I’ve been the community manager here at (in)courage now for five years. That means five years of working with and for and alongside women. Writing about women, reading about women, talking to women, being in small groups of women and large groups of women.
I don’t think I could possibly overstate how much I love women.
What a gift it is to serve them and how deeply I esteem their unique and varied callings — often as different from each other as you could possibly imagine and often just as deeply rooted in the same things — faith, family, and friendship.
In my five years serving this community, I’ve had the incredible privilege of listening in on all kinds of interesting conversations. As well as receiving lots of generous feedback. Feedback that’s been encouraging, challenging, and sometimes difficult. Feedback in every possible form — emails, direct messages on Twitter or Facebook, Instagram tags, surveys at the end of conferences, phone calls, Google Hangouts, and Voxer messages.
And in these past five years, I’ve learned more about processing feedback from others than in any other job I’ve had.
So as I mark this five-year milestone with (in)courage, I wanted to share with you all — the readers I love — what I’ve learned all the way down to the marrow of my bones.
Because I think some of the best and hardest work God calls us to do is to love other people.
Because the nature of being human means that we are going to bump into other beautiful human beings throughout the day, and in order to love well and genuinely, we need to be prepared for when we disagree. Or when what they share is hard to hear.
We need to learn to be listeners with hands open rather than palms clenched in tight, frustrated, misunderstood fists.
If we want any hope of succeeding at what James calls, “the hard work of getting along” then we need to work hard at listening well. And even harder at responding with compassion and kindness that recognizes the people around us are made in the image of Christ and, therefore, should be treated with the same respect, care, and consideration as we would give Him.
Please don’t for a minute think I’ve arrived. Sisters, I’m just as bumbling and stumbling when it comes to figuring all this out as I know we all often feel. But I figure if I can lend my bruises and scars and what they’ve taught me, then maybe you can avoid a few of your own.
Because I know that Christ makes us family.
So here are 6 things I have learned (am still learning) when it comes to responding with love in the thick of hard conversations:
1. Ask Yourself If You’re in the Right Place and Headspace for a Hard Conversation
So often we think that we have to listen to a message or respond to an email the instant we get it. And that fast response rate can accelerate an already heated situation. Friends, beware the smartphone that makes you trigger happy.
Seconds. I have often felt the urgent need to respond to an email, tweet, or other online request in seconds. No matter what I’m doing. I’ve been known to pull into a parking lot or ignore my kids at a family outing to quickly type out a response to an email ping.
A few years into this job, I realized that’s just plain nuts. I don’t work with nuclear launch code responsibilities. I’m not a heart surgeon. No one dies if I don’t respond in five seconds flat. And, let’s face it, any response typed out on a teeny screen in a Walmart parking lot is gonna be less coherent, comprehensive, and compelling than it probably deserves.
When someone wants to initiate a conversation that you know is going to be hard, I recommend making sure you’re in the right place and head space to be able to engage in a way that respects the conversation.
For example, I’ve learned never to open difficult emails or messages after hours when I’m already in my jammies and hanging out with the family. I know then I’m more likely to feel defensive, attacked, and vulnerable. But if I wait to read the message the next business day when I’m dressed like I’m connecting with the writer in person, and in a head space undistracted by bedtime stories and last glasses of water for the night, I’m much more able to read with an open heart and mind.
2. Be Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak
I’m always staggered how fast my reflex is to defend myself or justify my position. To talk back fast before anyone can get another word in. To force myself to be understood. And to get angry when I am not.
But that is not the advice the Bible gives. Instead, James again wisely advises:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” {James 1:19, NIV}
This is not easy. Period.
It is not easy to open your ears and close your mouth.
It is not easy to go back and re-read an email to make sure you really did understand what was being said — and not just what you assumed was being said.
It is not easy to give a blog post the benefit of the doubt.
It is not easy to willingly put my own agenda on the back burner and make myself listen longer and deeper to someone else’s.
But listening is one of the most powerful tools we have when it comes to defusing a hard conversation. Making someone feel heard helps take the sting out of their frustration and opens the door for dialogue.
Defending yourself lights the fire. Listening to someone else helps put it out.
3. Pause. Literally.
Close Twitter. Shut down Facebook. Pause listening to the message. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take a walk. Hug your kids. Look out the window. Remind yourself that even this doesn’t constitute an emergency to God.
4. Pray
Take any hurt feelings or frustrations to God first. I’m certain He can take it. Tell Him all the bad, shouty feelings you are having and let Him filter them through His hands and His words and His grace to you. He has, as the good prayer says, forgiven us our debts first so that we might forgive our debtors.
Take Him literally on this. He won’t let you down.
And if the conversation is happening in real time instead of by email or social media, still pause to pray. One of the most powerful responses to an angry hard conversation I was in the middle of caught me completely off guard with prayer. I was the frustrated one and the fellow female leader I was talking to — after she had listened to all my anger and frustration, after she had thanked me for sharing it with her — simply asked if we could please quickly pray before she responded.
It disarmed me completely. I will never forget it and I will aim to honor her example by learning from it.
5. Ask For Advice
Test that response you want to send back on someone else first. Your husband, a good friend, a trusted mentor, your pastor. Don’t trust yourself when you’re responding to something hard. Invite someone you trust to tell you if you’ve overreacted or if your response is appropriate.
I’ve been known to draft an email and make myself wait at least overnight before I send it. There’s something about coming back to the conversation in the morning that can change your perspective, make your heart more tender, and give God time to show you what you missed or misunderstood the first time around.
6. Respond
Let’s not leave each other hanging when hard conversations are unfolding. Let’s respond in a timely, loving manner. Let’s assume the best about each other. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt. Let’s start from a position of love: believing all things, hoping all things.
Let’s be lavish in our willingness to see the other point of view.
Let’s be wildly, generous grace givers. Let’s be unprecedented in our willingness to encourage, to try again, to walk around in someone else’s shoes.
There’s nothing so powerful as an apology when one is necessary, a gentle word to turn away anger, and an openness to truly listen to someone else’s stories.
Because the stories that other people offer us — no matter how hard they might sometimes be to receive — are always a gift.
We only have to remember to see them that way.
“Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.”
{James 3:17-18, MSG}
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Lisa-Jo,
This post is a keeper…in fact I’m printing it out right now so I can save a hard copy for future reference. Your words, along with the Bible’s words on holding our tongue, are ones that need to be revisited often. The theme I kept hearing over and over again in your advice was pause and pray first. I know that in my haste to respond – be it through split-second texting or wanting to jump to defend myself – I probably exacerbate the situation. This is all very wise and sound advice. Another thought I might add is that with the texting…I resist at all costs getting into a texting argument…especially with my kids. It’s a dangerous path that leads nowhere. Congratulations on your five-year milestone…you do a wonderful job with a terrific group of women and the ministry you provide is truly invaluable!!
Love and blessings,
Bev
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks so much lovely Bev. And that’s such wise advice about not getting into a texting argument with our kids – I’m putting that one in my pocket to save for future.
Tonya says
So… This!!! So much goodness here. As a fellow “knee-jerker” I need to be reminded of these things so many times. Community is a beautiful mess isn’t it? And I’m so happy to be smack dab in the middle of it! I’ve learned so much here at (in)courage over the years. Not only from posts like this one but from watching my friends who lead this beautiful community. You’ve all taught me to love well and often – even when that means the conversations are hard! Love you all and grateful that it was here where God helped fall back in love with community! xxoo
Lisa-Jo Baker says
and friend – you do community SO well. Grateful to be in yours!
Anna says
Lisa-Jo, this and Emily’s post on listening have convicted me. One of my spiritual gifts is encouragement. In Romans encouragers are called to “be careful that you don’t get bossy” (Romans 12:6 The Message) and I notice that I am having to unlearn old habits from unbelieving days of wanting to “fix” people, rather than entrusting them into God’s Hands in prayer. So, I often assume what God gave me that helped me through difficult times will help others too, rather than stopping to pray and listen for God’s Word on the matter. When I’ve chosen to wait and pray, it’s then I’ve seen God bring healing Words that have been a direct answer to prayer for friends. As Romans 14:22 puts it, I should “Cultivate [my] own relationship with God, but [not] impose it on others.”
I’m also learning to abide in His Word and let His Truth break and mould me. When I was recently hurt by what fellow Christians called me and said to me, my first response was clouded by impatient hurt defensiveness, rather than a Christ-like response seeking peace. Then I read about the Body of Christ in Romans and felt convicted to apologize for my first response, even though I felt they had spoken unkindly and judgementally. I felt God convicting me to let go of the bitterness and allow Him to move in their hearts, just as God has repeatedly convicted me and continues to convict me of my own judgemental and unkind words, my own weakness of the flesh. I read the following on this:
Romans 14:1-3 (The Message)
Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with- even when it seems they are strong in opinion and weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.
Thank you (and Emily) for your encouraging and convicting words and especially those 6 tips, which remind me of these words from Romans 15:
God wants the combination of His steady, constant calling and warm, personal counsel in Scripture to come to characterize us, keeping us alert for whatever He will do next. May our dependably steady and warmly personal God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. Then we’ll be a choir- not our voices alone, but our very lives singing in harmony in a stunning anthem to the God and Father of our Master Jesus!
Anna says
Please delete my post. Thanks.
Crystal says
Hey friend – happy to help you out. Would you like both of your comments deleted or just one of them? Let us know and we’ll take care of it 🙂
Anna says
Both, thanks.
Anna says
And apologies for my post…I’m still not listening, as I should. Sometimes silence speaks more than words.
Cheryl Ricker says
Lisa-Jo, I love how you’ve laid out these six essential points. Thanks for sharing your life lessons with us. I think every single one of them is spot on. In this rushy world, we shoot ourselves in the back when we rush into text responses with others. Timing is so important; and yes, we need to go to God first, just like Jesus went to the Father and shared what the Father showed Him. He had a lot to accomplish in three short years, but He didn’t resort to the knee-jerk reactions. With His love in our hearts, we’ll be able to be better heart-listeners, hear God’s voice, ask the right questions, and get to the crux of the issue with God’s beloved people. Thanks for sharing!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yes, this “rushy” world can get us into responses we have no business sending. Thanks so much Cheryl.
Brenda says
Great thoughts. 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks Brenda!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks friend – grateful for you and your ministry in this regard too.
Cheri Gregory says
Thank you, Lisa-Jo!!!
I’m forwarding this to my husband — we’re both high school teachers and we both get “interesting” Emails from parents from time to time. We can both get so caught up in an “I need to answer this right now to get it done and over with” mentality that we skip meals, bail on date night, isolate in our offices for hours … all of which is natural but none of which is healthy.
I’m printing this and putting it near my ‘puter.
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Yea, it’s funny how urgent responding always feels, isn’t it? It’s so so hard to fight that instinct. I still haven’t mastered it myself.
Sabra Penley says
Wow, Lisa-Jo! What a great list! Much needed on my end. I’m going to have to make a graphic to keep in front of me with the highlights. Yes, sweet sister, God has spoken to me through your words today. Blessings!
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Oh I’d love to see that graphic 🙂
Yvonne says
Lisa-Jo
I echo Bev’s comment on your post. Perfect reading for me today. If my printer had ink in it I’d also be making a hard copy!
Much love to you in Jesus
Yvie
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Thanks so much Yvonne – I need to print it out and keep reminding myself as well – it’s hard in the heat of the moment to take your own advice 🙂
Lisa-Jo Baker says
Such good advice – thanks Joanne – love the idea of a 30 minute cool down period. I need that one too.
Meg says
Lisa-Jo,
Thank you for this beautiful post. I too am going to keep it somewhere safe. I feel I will probably have a difficult conversation with someone coming at some point in my life and I am waiting for them to say things when they are ready. That may be next week, next year or in 10 years. Who knows! But, your words have given me strength and wonderful advice. Thank you!
Marty says
GREAT post. All 6 things are on point. Thank you so much for sharing. I can sometimes fall into those same bad habits you mentioned. Thank you for the wake-up call! 🙂
Sarah Coleman says
Such wise words, Lisa-Jo. Thanks for your insight. May we all be less trigger happy, online or otherwise.
Laura Wallace Bull says
It always amazes me at the way that the Spirit can speak to and convict my heart in situations in which I need to take a step back, listen, wait and speak words of his guidance, not my own human foibles 🙂 I work daily (and fail daily) on listening to his promptings and following in faith, but when I do listen to the holy whispers from our God who loves both sides of the conversation equally, it is a beautiful thing that happens not only in the conversation, but in my heart. But handled with my own humanness, it is just as amazing the ways that communication can tear down community, as it can build it up… Oh community, what a beautiful thing to work towards! And what a marvelous thing it will be when we see it done perfectly in heaven one day! Thank you for reminding us of the beauty of time, being still and listening! I am always blessed by the words God puts on your heart!
Donna Jones says
This is a GREAT post! Insightful, practical, biblical and do-able. I loved it! Thank you.
Ema says
I am blessed and thankful for your testimony. I am trusting God to help me walk through these steps so that His righteousness can be made known through my life. God bless you richly. Thank you!