What should our children know about friendship? Does our concern begin and end with peer pressure and influence? Or are we concerned about the deeply rooted hunger for companionship that God has placed in each of us?
I have a tendency to feel alone in a crowd. My longing for meaningful relationships went unrecognized and unmet, well into adulthood. I learned to live in isolation and called it self-reliance.
Real and meaningful relationships need both strength and weakness. Being the type to pull myself up by the bootstraps, I felt I had plenty of strength to give. I certainly wouldn’t burden other people with my problems.
“No, really, I’m fine.”
But here’s the thing, safe friendships also invite our weaknesses. This messy part, where our needs begin to leak out, is how we get to the heart of friend. It’s where “iron sharpens iron” {Proverbs 27:17}. It’s how we “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” {Galatians 6:2}. This is risky, to be sure.
I eventually warmed up to people and joined various groups at church. I also got married . . . only to have it fall apart several years later. The separation was utter agony, and I never wanted to trust another soul again! And like a beaten dog scurries from a hand that wants to pet it, I avoided help from anyone. I had begun the process of withdrawing into isolation.
“No, really, I’m fine.”
Here’s how Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe isolation in their book Safe People:
“Typically, people who [learn to do without friendship] don’t make a big fuss about things. They get their lives in order. They bury themselves in work, service, or other worthwhile venues. And they try not to think about what they’re doing without.
The disconnected part of the soul isn’t a very rude or demanding entity. It tends to die quietly, gradually withering away like a starving infant. After a period of time, you may no longer even be able to feel the pain of isolation. At that point, less pain but more damage is occurring.”
I became a woman with her face pressed to the glass, peering in through social media. I desperately wanted to connect but couldn’t find the courage. The Bible calls this broken-heartedness.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” {Psalm 34:18}
Over the course of several years, the Lord has ever so tenderly healed my wounded spirit. He brought beautiful women in my life and gave me the courage to embrace them and trust in His provision.
The Lord provides the soothing balm of friendship to get us through the prickly moments (and those moments that seem to knock us flat on our backs).
The journey hasn’t come without a few scrapes and bruises, but that’s what I want to teach my children. We sacrifice too much when we choose isolation. Friendship is unpredictable and sometimes ends in heartache. But I can’t imagine being a single mother without the amazing women God has placed in my life! Safe friends allow me to share my brokenness, imperfections, and triumphs without fear or shame.
I cherish the laughter, inside jokes, tears, middle-of-the-night phone calls, and waiting for test results together.
Friendship is God’s perfect and fulfilling design for our lives and worth pressing on.
C.S. Lewis describes it like this:
“Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself.'”
Are you the mom who has “had it” with people? Like me, with your face pressed to the glass? Have you resolved to live in isolation because it feels safe? If so, I trust God will comfort you, the way He has comforted me, and meet you where you are now. I hope you will find the strength and courage to teach your children that life is richer when we share it with others.
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Related: Remind a friend her words matter. Give her a place to write her notes, lists, memories, and more with these special friendship journals.
Leave a Comment
Brooke Elizabeth Burger says
I can so relate. I have always thought I was on the outside looking in when it came to friendships. Somehow it just didn’t click for me. I still can’t relate to a lot of people with really close friendships. My husband is my best friend. I have accepted that I am “peculiar “. It is funny though that a 52, I probably have more casual friends now than I have ever had.
Mary says
Things in my life hAve fallen apart
(relationships, dreams) and it is just easier to hide from others when you’ve been hurt. It’s too painful to see others happily moving through life. So I tend to isolate myself. I’ve been praying for a Godly friendship to come into my life. Please pray for me.
Susan G. says
Such truth here. Psalm 34:18 is one of my very favorite Psalms.
Blessings!
Beth Williams says
I was super shy growing up and didn’t have many friends. I still don’t have a lot or make friends easily! It was as though I could do life ok by myself and get involved in many activities, but just superficially. Now that I am older I find I long for/nay need true good friends to walk this journey of life with me.
Love this: “Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought that no one but myself.’” These past few years have been rough with work stresses, aging dad’s illnesses, etc. At times I just want to quit and walk away from it all! Praise God He has given me a couple covenant friends that I can call or e-mail in a pinch and they will do this messy life with me! They are my “me too” friends. It is refreshing to be able to say ME TOO and pray for that person or help them with the situation that you’ve been through also!
Blessings 🙂