“Practice makes perfect,” my piano teacher would always say. So when the Holy Spirit tells us to “practice hospitality,” the idea must be that we keep getting better and better at it . . . that we become more and more like Martha Stewart with each dinner party we host. Right?
It’s not working out so well for me. I’ve been “practicing” hospitality for all six and a half years of my marriage, hoping that one day I will finally become the pinnable hostess who can put on a fabulous Saturday night meal without the Monday to Friday stress. But perfection has evaded me . . . by a long shot.
Midweek still finds me sitting dejectedly in front of my recipes exclaiming, “I just don’t know what to make.” My husband’s nearly inevitable response is, “Just serve them grilled cheese. They won’t care. Everybody likes grilled cheese.”
I scoff at his foolishness every time. Doesn’t he know anything? Doesn’t he know that when someone invites you over for a roast beef dinner with seasonal cloth napkins, you have to reciprocate with something equally extravagant? That’s what people expect. Hospitality is, after all, entertaining people in your home. And entertaining people is about putting in a good performance and meeting or exceeding people’s expectations.
There Is Another Way
I’ve encountered two hostesses recently who didn’t seem to understand these rules. Both invitations were last minute, both homes bore the untidiness of family life, and both women served me grilled cheese. And you know what? My soul breathed a sigh of relief. It was so refreshing to spend time in the presence of these women who were comfortable enough in their homes and their skins to love and serve me without feeling the need to entertain me with something fancier than what they would normally serve their families.
Not only did I thoroughly enjoy our conversations, our time together and the like-family treatment I received, I didn’t go away with the sinking feeling that the ball was now in my court to come up with a lavish meal in return. When I have either of these families over, it won’t be a stressful affair. It will be soup and rolls, spaghetti and meatballs,or something equally plain and unassuming.
Only Love Needs to Be Lavish
To “practice hospitality” in the original Greek language, literally means, “to pursue [as one would a calling] the love of strangers.” But when we’re “distracted with much serving” as Martha was when she was serving Jesus, we’re focused on our self, not our guests. We’re concerned with how our food is turning out, what the guests will think of us, and whether or not we are dazzling them with our culinary genius. We are loving our self and our reputation as a competent hostess.
Martha’s problem was not that she was serving. It was not even that she was serving an elaborate meal. It was that she was so distracted with her everything-must-be-perfect preparations that she had no time to simply enjoy being present with her guests.
If you can serve up a fabulous meal and still be present with your guests, that is a wonderful gift and I envy you! But if the thought of practicing hospitality makes you break out in a nervous sweat, take heart.
The point of hospitality is to love others. The point is to be a place for people’s souls to breathe. The point is to treat people like family so they’ll leave your home with lingering memories of how loved they felt.
So be liberated from being the perfect hostess. Sit back and watch how your freedom liberates others from the same tyranny. Let go of Pinterest imitation and practice hospitality in the freedom of Christ — serving up love and laughter, sharing stories and warm hugs over toasted bread oozing with cheese.
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Related: For a fun reminder, each day, of the importance of hospitality, carry this beautiful Words of Community ~ Jute Tote Bag with you wherever you go.
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Sarah S says
I enjoyed this. Recently, I wrote a practice proclamation. A few of the key points…Practice makes prepared. Only Jesus makes perfect. The idea that practice makes perfect is a lie that leads to despair. Yet practice is the most important thing you can do because it prepares you for what comes next. Get up. Keep going. Try again another day. Practice Love. Practice Hope. Practice patience. Practice Kindness. We can even add practice hospitality. 🙂
Jana DeVries says
Sarah…you are a woman after my own heart. I struggle with the perfectionistic mindset so much. I would feel so discouraged over all my failures. But God is teaching me that all my “practicing” happens in his massive safety net of love and grace.
In all our many failures, there is no condemnation in Christ! So we can keep going with joy no matter how many of those failures we can seem to pile up some days!
April Windsor Box says
Great post! I want to run something by you though, maybe I need a impartial sounding board to flesh this out. So, I am a housewife & mom, but my son goes to school during the day. During that time he is at school, I LOVE to have other stay-at-home moms over for coffee and carbs 😉 Or even invite over neighbors who I know stay at home all day and might need some attention/friendship. The thing is, NOT ONE has invited me over to their house to do the same. Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have a gift to help others feel cared for by pampering them with coffee and homemade bread. I like to think of it as a “little oasis” from the busyness of life & motherhood. But, I guess I’m a little hurt. Does that make sense? I don’t believe I’m expecting a return invitation every time. Far from it. Because I enjoy what I do.
A number of moms with young kids have commented on how “clean” my house is (ha, if they only knew). Maybe they don’t want to have me over because they think my standards are too high? That sounds outrageous to me, but I’m not sure what to think. I hope to be a friend that shows grace & acceptance no matter where you are in life.
I guess I’m giving “the other side” of hospitality. I hope this doesn’t sound too petty, but I wonder if anyone else can relate? I have resolved, however, to keep using my gift and keep inviting these lovely friends into my home for a morning respite. Even if I never get a return invite 🙂
Joanne Peterson says
When I was entertaining a lot, I rarely had an invite back. But, people did like to come over, and be loved on and pampered. That is a gift!
People are intimidated by things having to be “perfect” in their homes. Fly Lady has a phrase CHAOS. “Can’t have anyone over syndrome” I know that is my holding back right now. I don’t care about a little clutter, but we are talking about a lot of clutter in my home, and will take a lot of time to put things back into a semblance of order, and I’m feeling overwhelmed.
For some reason, people also as the article mentioned feel the need to repeat something fancy and really don’t have the time. To many people, homemade bread is fancy; people rarely make homemade bread anymore. Even in a bread machine, it takes time. (I know this because I used to make all of my own bread until my husband had to go off gluten for his health and to manage pain)
It’s not a competition, but people do feel as though they have to reciprocate in the same way or it’s not good enough. It’s not you, it’s them.
I can’t tell you what you should do, but, because I wanted to be with people, and be friends, I still had people over anyway. They like me, the conversation, and because of that still came over. It makes sense to feel hurt, but they like you, or they wouldn’t come over to your home again after one visit if they felt unwelcome! They feel pampered and cared for so they come over and enjoy you!
Jana DeVries says
I totally agree with you Joanne. I liked what you said about inviting people over and how they loved coming and being pampered. I guess we all have times in our lives when we’re more in need of receiving ministry from others. And at other times, God strengthens us to be the ones ministering to others.
Jana DeVries says
Oh friend, you have no idea how well I hear you.
I have spent years in a season of loneliness in which I felt that I was reaching out to a number of different people who seemed to like me enough, but never reached back. I told my husband I wanted to move. I cried out to God for help. I just plain cried. It’s only recently that I finally feel like I am coming out of this season. So I know firsthand the discouragement you’re feeling.
It sounds like you have created a wonderful haven for the women you serve! Coffe and carbs is totally soul medicine! I wish I could join you! It is such an important ministry to a demographic worn out from ministering to their own children’s needs.
I wish I had something incredibly insightful to say about why you’re not being invited back. Perhaps your friends consider your house the “go to” house where everyone assembles and don’t even consider having you over. Perhaps they’re in survival mode and feel too bedraggled to host people in general. Perhaps they do feel your standards are too high, but if so, that likely has a lot more to do with their inner struggle than the cleanliness of your home.
When I was crying out to God to bring me out of my lonely season, I sensed him telling me to wait on him and his timing. To be faithful in my “reaching out” ministry…but also to wait and to cling to him and his promises.
“Men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides you, who acts for the one who waits for him.” (Isaiah 64:4)
Saying a prayer for you, my friend…
Beth Williams says
Here’s a suggestion. Have people come over and bring something-kinda like a potluck. Each person can bring one item of choosing and everyone can share. That way everyone can contribute and have a good time!
Alice says
Just a note, because I’ve been on both sides of this! When my daughters were too young for school, and went to bed early, I would often invite large groups of friends over for evenings of coffee, tea, sweets, conversation and fellowship. I enjoyed it, and so did they. No one ever reciprocated, but i did it to build relationships. I figured that a woman who wanted friends should show herself friendly, and I wanted to build unity in the body of Christ. When I was feeling blue about the whole thing, I cried and prayed, and invited a bunch more people over. Then I became a homeschooler of three, and my ability to have people over disappeared like vapor! Now I feel guilt-laden because I have wonderful friends who seem to be able to homeschool AND have our family over with grace and ease. When I try, it is absolute crazy chaos! I feel worse afterward, because it is so difficult. The fact is, there are times of life when some things are easier than others. Love for others will overcome – whether by doing the reaching out, or by covering the seeming shortcomings of others. Getting close to the heart of God can bring us through either difficulty. Friends are precious, and I’m sure the ladies who have enjoyed your friendship appreciate you immensely, and you have pleased God.
Deena Marie says
The Grill Cheese friends are the keepers. Especially the ones who will have Gluten Free bread on hand in the freezer just for me. I have a single friend who wanted ham leftovers at Christmas. She invited my son and I after church made a ham omelet and toast. Then gave us 1/2 the ham to take home.
Jana DeVries says
A great big AMEN to that! I adore my Grilled Cheese friends!
Amy M says
I had to smile when I saw this. Yes, the people who like my grilled cheese and don’t get appalled at my housekeeping when I politely say, “Be careful not to step on Legos” are the best.
Joanne Peterson says
I like that you gave the definition of hospitality “To pursue (as one would a calling) the love of strangers. I never thought of hospitality in this way. I used to have people over, and most of them people who I didn’t know well, to love on them and get to know them.
Then messes in my life happened, and I quit entertaining, I hid to heal and let in only a very small circle of people. It took a couple of years to come back to myself.
My house is a huge mess now, but I am feeling the nudge to have people over again. I recall the most fun meals were simple: chili with toppings, soup and homemade croutons, meatballs and rice, ice cream cake and topping, tea and a couple of go-withs….
Thank you for this post, I know we are to live in community, and I am hearing God’s whisper.
Jana DeVries says
Joanne
I have definitely had CHAOS syndrome the last few years, as you mentioned above! It would stress me out so much! But as I prayed and prayed over what ministry the Lord would have me do, it finally dawned on me that, rather than leaving my family to go out and do something in the community, having people to our home is the perfect ministry for this season of life. What I did not expect, was that he would use the ministry of hospitality to heal some of my own lingering hurts. Funny how he works things out like that.
Susan G. says
I’m so glad I’m not alone in these feelings…even hearing the word ‘hospitality’ sends me into a tail spin… I think with me it’s my perception of ‘perfection’ that drives me crazy.I want everything to be perfect for those I’ve invited over. I do want them to feel loved, comfy and at peace in my home. The thing is I don’t feel even after 40 years of marriage, that I can cook quite like I’d like to either. So…sometimes we invite out a family to dine with us at a restaurant. I know it’s not always the ‘sitting around the fireplace’ type comfy, but we have had some very fun visits with families at a quieter restaurant. Another option is having people over for a dessert and fellowship. There’s not a lot to prepare with that. Plus I like desserts much better than dinners. 🙂 The key is to enjoy each other and share the love of Jesus with one another.
Thanks for this!
Jana DeVries says
“The key is to enjoy each other and share the love of Jesus with one another.” You just slammed the nail on the head with that one, Susan. 🙂 And I like your low-stress hospitality ideas! What a treat for your guests to be invited out to a restaurant.
Tarissa Helms says
I really enjoyed your post, Jana. You’re so right about how letting go of perfectionism liberates others to do the same. I’ll never forget the day I went over to a friend’s house and she’d had a crazy day and didn’t have a chance to straighten everything up for my arrival like usual. I got to see a little glimpse of what real life looked like in her kitchen and it looked a lot like real life in MY kitchen. After that day, I didn’t worry quite so much about having everything spotless when she came over. Such a relief!
Jana DeVries says
I know that oh-good-she-doesn’t-have-it-altogether-either sense of relief, Tarissa! Isn’t it such a blessing!? I’m asking God for the courage to be the one that puts her guard down first so others can do the same with me.
Amy M says
I love this! I come from a long line of Southern women who seem able to entertain lavishly at the drop of a hat without breaking a sweat. And that’s so not me. I love people, but my slightly introverted, bookish self all but breaks out in hives at the thought of putting together a Pinterest-worthy dinner party. It helps to remind myself that if others feel loved and cared for when we bring them into our home, then that’s what hospitality is really all about. That, and I spend more time on blogs and Twitter and less on Pinterest. 😉
Jana DeVries says
We sound like kindreds, Amy. : ) I would invite you over to my messy house for a chat if I could. Ha ha! I love Pinterest too, but have to be careful with it too. It can start making me feel like I’m ‘not enough’ if I’m not careful.
Mandy says
This is so the reminder that I needed!! My house is always a mess and my meals are never fancy. The other day I almost didn’t let a friend in when she came to drop off my daughter because of how messy the house was. But I did and we ended up having great conversation despite the toys (and crumbs) on the floor. I much prefer making memories 🙂
Jana DeVries says
Mandy, I’m glad you let her in and made some memories amid the mess!
Beth Williams says
My motto is Martha Stewart doesn’t live here! Don’t let perfection ruin a good time. Just be yourself and serve something you know how to make and enjoy the friendship. Most people don’t care about things they want company and attention. They want you to be present with them not busy running around like Martha!
Jana DeVries says
Lol. “Martha Steward doesn’t live here.” I love that. : )
DeAnna Morris says
Thank you for this… I used to be a paralyzed entertainer feeling never good enough… The Lord has healed many broken places where relationships are concerned…now I am comfortable to share my messy home and messy life…why mask it? I’m not all together. But I love Jesus and I love people.
Jana DeVries says
DeAnna…I love hearing this. Praise God for the grace and mercy he pours out on us to heal our broken places!
Marty says
When I am invited to someone’s home, I don’t care about how neat or put-together their home is…or how messy it is. Honestly, most of the time I don’t even notice. I just enjoy the fellowship of being with friends. Why can’t I imagine my friends will feel the same way when they come to our home? Thank you so much for this post! I needed this reminder today: hospitality is not about perfection, it’s about showing love to others.
Jana DeVries says
You sound like a true grilled cheese friend, Marty to not notice or care what others’ homes look like. : )
sally says
Dear Jana,
good post, thanks 🙂
from my experience I can add one little advice which makes invitations less stressful – search for fingerfood in foreign cultures, it makes very little work is mostly easy to prepare and people go ‘wow! where did you get the idea?’ in my country this is what happens, when I serve grilled cheese ;;) people never ever do this and so surprise is my friend! And I agree about the bread: just serve homemade bread with fine bacon, different cheeses, homemade paste (made from beans or lenses with italian herbs, so easy) and peolpe will love the ‘at home feeling’ about it, the smell, the whole atmosphere, …
Take good care, of you and the people you host, you can do it! <3 –sally
Barbara says
I have been told that everyone always enjoys a good time when coming to my hme over the years–wether for coffee/cake or an elaborte barbecue/dinner or celebration party. I work endlessly on meals (mostly that can be prepared in advance). However, I get so excited and involved with my guests, that on occasion I have been known to sit down w/my already made cup of coffe, start conversing, and forget to serve/offer a drink to my guests! My friends laugh and know me…they simply then help themselves. So, yes, loving the company, being involved far surpasses any elaborate decorations/meal preparations…..but, it also is very nice ONLY if it is accompanied by enjoying the people. 🙂
Grapejuice says
When we are young and somewhat unsure of our faith, the deep connection to THE VINE, JESUS, has not grown strong enough to produce delicious fruit, it’s easy to be influenced by the Marthas of this world who focus on impressing people. The only ONE we need to impress in our life is GOD! Hospitality comes from the heart. True friends, like Jesus, know our strength and weakness. Faith as well as hospitality need practice, one by studying HIS WORD, the other by asking for help. How nice that a loving husband realized the value of simplicity. Jesus food diet seemed simple until it was topped off with spiritual riches.