Maybe What I Really Need Is to Be Loved, Your Beloved

I sat down one night. And I began to write a letter.

I’d like to share it with you today. Because maybe there’s a letter you might like to write too.

The Last Day

It’s the last day of the year, God. And I’m up late, unable to sleep.

Not because I can’t fall asleep. But because I don’t think I’ve lived today fully yet. But, yet this day is already done.

My head is full of things I didn’t do. Things I regret — things I wished I’d done. Things I wish I’d said, written, read. Enjoyed.

And I realize, I didn’t really live today. Not out of my soul. With you.

I wasn’t the Beloved. Your Beloved.

I lived instead . . .

From my ought to’s,
should’s,
have to’s,
I better do this or else.

From I don’t want to be left out,
I don’t want to miss out,
I want to do what everyone else is doing.

Because if I did what I really wanted to do . . .

It might be wrong.
Then I’d lose whatever little I’d worked hard at doing.
And then, I’d be all alone.

I did not live out of my whole heart. But, inauthentically as the one who pleases, figures out what everybody wants, the me who is terrified of being rejected.

But, this is the problem, God.

I think I end up looking like everybody else,
and that’s not how You made me.

Maybe I Don’t Know

Then, I think, God. Living life this heart-separated way hasn’t stopped me from experiencing rejection anyways.

You tell me in echoes of 1 John 4:18 . . .

The one who fears . . .

. . . does not know love.
. . . has not been loved.

Maybe I don’t know what love is. Not — in my heart.

Maybe I haven’t been loved. Not like I should have been. Not the way you meant for me to experience it.

You gave me a wonderful husband who loves me, like a river fresh from spring rain. Strong and abiding. And two beautiful boys who bring me unfiltered hearts, so clear, like an autumn lake at sunrise.

But, I guess the love You’re talking about isn’t the kind that comes from other people.

Maybe the love You’re talking about is something deeper — in my innermost being — where You first knit my heart together.

Where no one can touch except You.

Awakened and Present

It’s the me You first made: the little girl inside me.

The child You call us to be, when we come to you.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 1:3)

Maybe that’s why I feel fear. I’ve lost sight of my Belovedness.

And why fear motivates my choices.

When I don’t live as Your Beloved — I start, erase and hide my heart — following a To Do List, rather than following You. Awakened and present.

I don’t want to live this way anymore. Would You step in right now and help me?

Dare to Be the Beloved

Help me to hear You.

Maybe what I need is to be loved.

Maybe who I was meant to be is Beloved.

Lord Jesus, I don’t know this Beloved way. Help me.

As silence held me, Jesus whispered in return . . .

“Yes, you can. Be loved.

Yes, you are. My Beloved.

Just take My hand.

I see the little girl — in you.

Listen to her. Care for her. Give her respect.

Consider what she’s trying to say. Because I am with her.

I value her thoughts and ideas. I value her.

I love her.”

What would my life look like, if I dared to become the Beloved?

What if I actually did what I loved — and stopped doing what I didn’t?

God’s Whispers of Love

God placed whispers of love on my heart — meant for you too.

{Don’t look at anyone else — except the One who calls you Mine. Be you.}

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Do not be afraid. I’ve called you by name; you are mine. (Jer. 31:3, Is. 43:1)

{You are free to enjoy what you love. And when you don’t know how, you can rest. Because My love will set your heart free.}

I run in the path of Your commandments, for You have set my heart free. (Psalm 119:32)

{Nothing is more important than Me loving you. Let go of everything else, except Me.}

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders. (Deut. 33:12)

Sometimes, we need to stop and write a letter.

Because writing intentionally with Jesus is living with all my heart.

Because writing is prayer.

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What would be your letter?

How is God calling you to be loved this year?

Pull up a chair. Share a comment.

Start the new year refreshed as the Beloved. I’m launching a soulful Spiritual Whitespace {Face}Book Club next Thursday 1/22/15 on Facebook to make room for rest and beauty. Get a copy of my book and you can like my page to join in. Free. Grab a friend and join in. Click here. You’re invited!

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Written by Bonnie Gray, the Faith Barista, serving up shots of faith for the daily grind.

{photo credit: thebonniegray.com}