I sat down one night. And I began to write a letter.
I’d like to share it with you today. Because maybe there’s a letter you might like to write too.
The Last Day
It’s the last day of the year, God. And I’m up late, unable to sleep.
Not because I can’t fall asleep. But because I don’t think I’ve lived today fully yet. But, yet this day is already done.
My head is full of things I didn’t do. Things I regret — things I wished I’d done. Things I wish I’d said, written, read. Enjoyed.
And I realize, I didn’t really live today. Not out of my soul. With you.
I wasn’t the Beloved. Your Beloved.
I lived instead . . .
From my ought to’s,
should’s,
have to’s,
I better do this or else.
From I don’t want to be left out,
I don’t want to miss out,
I want to do what everyone else is doing.
Because if I did what I really wanted to do . . .
It might be wrong.
Then I’d lose whatever little I’d worked hard at doing.
And then, I’d be all alone.
I did not live out of my whole heart. But, inauthentically as the one who pleases, figures out what everybody wants, the me who is terrified of being rejected.
But, this is the problem, God.
I think I end up looking like everybody else,
and that’s not how You made me.
Maybe I Don’t Know
Then, I think, God. Living life this heart-separated way hasn’t stopped me from experiencing rejection anyways.
You tell me in echoes of 1 John 4:18 . . .
The one who fears . . .
. . . does not know love.
. . . has not been loved.
Maybe I don’t know what love is. Not — in my heart.
Maybe I haven’t been loved. Not like I should have been. Not the way you meant for me to experience it.
You gave me a wonderful husband who loves me, like a river fresh from spring rain. Strong and abiding. And two beautiful boys who bring me unfiltered hearts, so clear, like an autumn lake at sunrise.
But, I guess the love You’re talking about isn’t the kind that comes from other people.
Maybe the love You’re talking about is something deeper — in my innermost being — where You first knit my heart together.
Where no one can touch except You.
Awakened and Present
It’s the me You first made: the little girl inside me.
The child You call us to be, when we come to you.
“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children,
you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 1:3)
Maybe that’s why I feel fear. I’ve lost sight of my Belovedness.
And why fear motivates my choices.
When I don’t live as Your Beloved — I start, erase and hide my heart — following a To Do List, rather than following You. Awakened and present.
I don’t want to live this way anymore. Would You step in right now and help me?
Dare to Be the Beloved
Help me to hear You.
Maybe what I need is to be loved.
Maybe who I was meant to be is Beloved.
Lord Jesus, I don’t know this Beloved way. Help me.
As silence held me, Jesus whispered in return . . .
“Yes, you can. Be loved.
Yes, you are. My Beloved.
Just take My hand.
I see the little girl — in you.
Listen to her. Care for her. Give her respect.
Consider what she’s trying to say. Because I am with her.
I value her thoughts and ideas. I value her.
I love her.”
What would my life look like, if I dared to become the Beloved?
What if I actually did what I loved — and stopped doing what I didn’t?
God’s Whispers of Love
God placed whispers of love on my heart — meant for you too.
{Don’t look at anyone else — except the One who calls you Mine. Be you.}
Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Do not be afraid. I’ve called you by name; you are mine. (Jer. 31:3, Is. 43:1)
{You are free to enjoy what you love. And when you don’t know how, you can rest. Because My love will set your heart free.}
I run in the path of Your commandments, for You have set my heart free. (Psalm 119:32)
{Nothing is more important than Me loving you. Let go of everything else, except Me.}
Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders. (Deut. 33:12)
Sometimes, we need to stop and write a letter.
Because writing intentionally with Jesus is living with all my heart.
Because writing is prayer.
~~~~~~
What would be your letter?
How is God calling you to be loved this year?
Pull up a chair. Share a comment.
Start the new year refreshed as the Beloved. I’m launching a soulful Spiritual Whitespace {Face}Book Club next Thursday 1/22/15 on Facebook to make room for rest and beauty. Get a copy of my book and you can like my page to join in. Free. Grab a friend and join in. Click here. You’re invited!
~~~~~
Written by Bonnie Gray, the Faith Barista, serving up shots of faith for the daily grind.
{photo credit: thebonniegray.com}
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Wow,this really touches me in so many ways. It gives me food for thought. I have been feeling Him calling me closer and closer the last few months and reading this I now feel it will be a wonderful additin to our talks! Thank you so very much for this beautiful insight to another way to stay in close communication with Him.
Linda, so beautiful how He’s calling you close… and you’re hearing his whispers. enjoy those moments of spiritual whitespace as the beloved.
Have I time to sit and listen?
Am I patient to wait for you?
Do I seek you from my heart?
Am I too busy for you, Lord?
Thoughtful piece of wisdom. I make a commitment to focus steadily on you Lord Jesus. Grant that my heart may be unmoved and unshaken.
God Bless you Bonnie Gray.
http://purposefulandmeaningful.blogspot.com/
thank you for sharing the letter of your heart as the Beloved, Ifeoma… beautiful.
I’ve been writing about looking at life through the eyes of a child lately. You see I changed positions at my school at the beginning of the year. I now teach the youngest class of preschoolers. They are so innocent and look at life so differently. I learn from them as they get so excited over seemingly simple every day things like the clouds and the birds singing. I love it!
I love that they haven’t been hurt by love …yet. I believe the Lord has been teaching me that it’s OK to open up my heart to Him. To trust Him. To love Him with my every being. I too relapse back into my to-do lists and people pleasing. But I want to make the heart choice to savor each moment and not miss out on the every day. My list may go by the wayside but I want to focus on what’s important to Him.
Beautiful post Bonnie!
Blessings and love,
Debbie
so beautiful how you’re heart is always listening for His voice — even in your everyday work. i love seeing those preschoolers too because i imagine Jesus sees us. the part of us that hasn’t been hurt by love. i love your new year heart choice, Debbie!
Bonnie, I’ve been reading your book and can hear echos of it in this post. Faith like a child is such a pure faith. Your writing reminds me of St. Therese the Little Flower who believed we should follow Jesus by being faithful in small things and in the little ways. In her writing, she reminded us that we are all children to Jesus. He loves us in a forgiving way, understanding our limits. Thank you for so freely sharing your heart, Bonnie. I’m looking forward to your book club!
yes, i’m still that little girl. the one who wrote that book. on the journey. 🙂 I’m so excited you’ll be there too. i want to hear more of your heart and your story, Jenni! xo
I am not usually drawn to the writings of your generation, but you caught my eye today.
You have beautifully penned what I am seeking. I ask daily—show me you are all I need–remind me of your great love—forgive my doubts and pull me from the world into your embrace.
Well Done!
aw.. that’s so sweet Loralu. thank you for sharing this quiet moment together. you are the Beloved. His Beloved.
I sure needed to read this post this morning! Thank you for allowing God to use you!!
http://gracefaithandgenerosity.blogspot.com/
Blessings,
Mrs. C
thank you, Mrs. C for sharing this moment together. You are the Beloved. His Beloved.
“We have spread so many ashes over the historical Jesus that we scarcely feel the glow of his presence anymore. He is a man in a way that we have forgotten men can be; truthful, blunt, emotional, non manipulative, sensitive, compassionate–His inner child so liberated that He did not feel it unmanly to cry. He met people head on and refused to cut any deal at the price of His integrity.
The gospel portrait of the Beloved child of Abba is that of a man exquisitely attuned to his emotions and uninhibited in expressing them. The Son of Man did not reject or scorn feelings as fickle and unreliable. They were sensitive emotional antennae to which He listened carefully and through which He perceived the will of His Father.”
~ Brennan Manning~
*squeal* you’re speaking my language, girl! I love Brennan Manning!! thank you for sharing this quote here and taking time to type it, Julie. 🙂 you’re the Beloved. His Beloved.
What a beautiful post, Bonnie. And I am that one who, when she forgets Whose she is, tries to look like everybody else. This becomes my goal when I forget I am beloved by Jesus. It was my “safe place” during my growing up years when I tried to overcome childhood rejection.
I needed this reminder this morning…to be me. The Me God created me to be.
Thanks for such a truthful, grace-filled post!
i know. me too. 😉 Jeanne, so great to hear from you this morning! Feels like having a morning cup of coffee together with a friend, hearing your heart and the you God created you to be: Beloved. You are His Beloved. You are beautiful, beautifully HIS.
Listening to the subtle lies of the past, can cause me to feel I am not enough. Partnering with those lies erases the truth that I am God’s beloved child. He delights in me, rejoices over me. Me. His beloved. Powerful reminder, Bonnie.
Be the Beloved today, Renee! Because you are. No matter what anyone says. Because that’s the truth… you’re HIS. thnx for sharing.
God is so cool! I read this meditation that came to my inbox this morning, and an hour later I read your post.
“Many voices ask for our attention. There is a voice that says, “Prove that you are a good person.” Another voice says, “You’d better be ashamed of yourself.” There also is a voice that says, “Nobody really cares about you,” and one that says, “Be sure to become successful, popular, and powerful.” But underneath all these often very noisy voices is a still, small voice that says, “You are my Beloved, my favor rests on you.” That’s the voice we need most of all to hear. To hear that voice, however, requires special effort; it requires solitude, silence, and a strong determination to listen.
That’s what prayer is. It is listening to the voice that calls us “my Beloved.” Henri Nouwen
Also, this…
http://liberate.org/2015/01/13/brokenness-taught-me-more-than-put-togetherness/
*squeal* The Beloved by Henri Nouwen is one of my top favorite books! Thank you for sharing this treasure of words from Henri, Christina and the link to what feeds your soul. so happy my words came alongside other soulful kindreds today. You are Beloved!
Comforting. How comforting it is to think on being the Beloved. Thank you.
dear Sisterchick – be comforted and be loved. because you are. truly. deeply. unconditionally. HIS. Beloved.
What a lovely post! Beloved Child of God, thank you for sharing your love letter. Beautiful you are and so are your words. Blessings
sweet Lisa, these words must resonate with your heart because they are true for you. His Beloved. deeply, unconditionally, unequivocally — Beloved.
My blog sits quiet but I start to write my heart in comments. Trusting the timing…
What Bonnie says, Lord. I see that I have always been in touch with the little me, thank you. Even when I didn’t realize I’d made my man my idol, you brought me away at times to be with you alone and you healed the heart, blessed the baby, nurtured the imaginative girl in me. In me still.
I’m turning 50 this year, Jubilee!
But I don’t see how it will be, in me.
Sabbath year? Resting in you?
Michael Card’s song, “sins forgiven, slaves set free…Jesus is our Jubilee.”
Because even though you have kept me, held my heart, teach me still.
50 is so frighteningly young!
I still so need you to hold my hand, to lead me on.
Yet, also ready for you to open my mouth, direct my fingers, steps.
Jesus, I want your jubilee! (whatever it brings)
Just, (Rich Mullins song) Hold Me, Jesus!
wow. Beth. Pure beauty. these whispers of words are live, flowing from your heart. sacred ground. thank you for sharing it here. “Because even though you have kept me, held my heart, teach me still.” this. words of the Beloved. His Beloved.
Beloved is my ‘one word’ for this new year. It seems I am eager, willing and even very good at loving others…knowing that all the love I have given away for these many years was first given to me by The Lord to share with others. However, this year I will rest in His love and listen to His song of joy over me (Zephaniah 3:17). I am excited to see what is ahead this year…with my hands and heart open, living as His Beloved!
Thank you Bonnie for sharing this powerful and very specific word that God wanted me to see this morning!
Bonnie,
When my husband died 3 years ago suddenly at the age of 48, it rocked my world. Mike was the love of my life and after 25 years of marriage and ministry together I was abruptly alone. Mike had called me his bride until the day that he died. Our love was strong and true and I give God all the credit for bringing us together and binding us together in such a marvelous way.
As the grief crept over me, I found myself no longer a bride but now I was a widow. My “love life” was completely changed and I had to learn how to navigate my “life” without my “love”. Excruciating. Exhausting. Empty.
God continued as my loving Father and watched over me. The Holy Spirit snuggled up to me and began to bring me comfort like never before. And the Jesus I had always known as my Savior and Big Brother initiated a new identity into my heart. Jesus became my Husband and the Lover of my soul. We are the bride of Christ and He is our Holy Husband.
So I know what you mean when you say He calls you Beloved. It trumps any human experience of love and brings new love and light into all my relationships.
Last year I was able to put my thoughts into a book called “DREAM…a guide to grieving gracefully” and God has used this book to love on widows, widowers, divorced people, parents who have lost children, people who have lost parents, etc to redefine love on a completely different level than we can experience before such a loss. I hope you will share my website dreamsmithbooks.com with anyone you know who needs help experiencing God’s great love especially after a dramatic loss or divorce.
My thanks to you, Bonnie, for sharing this beautiful post and again encouraging my heart and bolstering it in our identity as His Beloved. Humbled to be loved so deeply.
Dare to DREAM, Kristi Smith
Kristi,
Blessings to you,
Penny
Bonnie, blessings
Oh my how this post touched me! Oh how selfish I really am how my sefishness has caused me to believe I am not worthy of being Beloved. Thank you for this post, I wrote it in my journal, to remind me and to encourage me as I work through this year becoming more consistant with my prayer life, my joy in Him, forgiveness, Him leading me on new adventures, and putting His words on my heart for me to follow.
Thank you!
As always, this post is dear to my heart, Bonnie. I am trying to get and stay in touch with Jesus, daring to be the Beloved, but my mind so easily clings to the insecurity and shame within me. I love the verse in Romans 8:1-2 – “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” Jesus wants us to see ourselves as beloved of Him, precious in His sight, and guilt-free. Trying to cling to Him and His promises! Blessings to you, Bonnie!
My word for 2015 is HOPE. I have been trying to find hope again because my health has been so bad for the past year. I believe in hope I just don’t feel it. I received a journal from my friend for Christmas which I plan to chronicle my search for hope this year. God makes all things new and I am praying for His hope this year.
Bonnie… so moved by your letter today. So grateful for you sharing your vulnerability. I need the reminder to see the little girl that I am and allow her to simply be. To listen to her, respeect her and care for her.
Just last night I was noticing how I don’t fall asleep any longer because just as you wrote, my head is also too full of things. I woke up this mornnig thinking I have to do something about this. I have lived so much of my life inauthentically (unconsciously). I am afraid to simply be me. I didn’t have a loving father on this earth so it can be so difficult some days to grasp that I do have a loving Father who will accept me and love me simply as I am.
I am extremtly grateful for your letter and have so much to think about and pray about. Thank you Bonnie.
Bonnie… This VERY scripture, the first of 2015, I’ve committed to memory. “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” The year opened with this Word, and it keeps showing up. Over and over. And here it is yet again. Yes, I’m listening.
Bonnie, so many things you written both in your book and the website really touch my heart. It is as if you are speaking directly to me at times. “Maybe What I Need is to Be Loved, Your Beloved” was simply beautiful. I want that too♥️
Bonnie,
Your post really touched me. It has helped me have a better perspective to the part of me inside that has not grown up at heart.
Blessings Bonnie, thank-you from my heart to your’s,
Penny
Thank you Bonnie for this beautiful post. I have read your blog on occasion and remember when you were writing about desiring to break free of the life of crazy work and expectations, follow your dreams and write! Now I see that you are published and God is speaking through you to others. I rejoice with you. I am on the same journey and hear Him saying “Write!”
There is nothing like sitting with God, hearing His voice (amazing, humbling love) and being at rest in Him. I still have so much to learn.
Thank you for your encouragement.
God bless you much.
Angela
Thank you, Father, for Bonnie and the insights you reveal to her. Today’s post includes an empowering thought: I am one of your beloved. In your love I can rest and be at peace. Comparing myself to others and striving to be like them is counterproductive. You created me the way I am because you wanted just such a woman. You have a purpose for just such a woman. Guide me, Lord, to understand what it means to be beloved–relying upon you yet free to be who you created me to be. Amen.
Amen ❤️ http://bethwillismiller.blogspot.com/2014/12/you-are-beloved.html
What if I really lived like God was mine?!
Oh, how I want to live like his Beloved!!
Thank you for this! !
I cried. :*) when I realised God was {& is} speaking to the little girl in me. Such tears, of rest. Bonnie, thank you. Can I give you a hug? Thank you, from the deepest of my soul. Thank you.
Sending love your way…
Bonnie,
What a thought provoking letter!
I would write:
God I’m not spending enough time with you. I’ve lost my happy and get angry quite often. Lord you are always there you know me inside and out. You love me more than I love myself now. Help me be a better Christian and wife. I need you to bring the child out in me so I can once again enjoy this life I’ve been given. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
Blessings 🙂
This is perfection…like our hearts were beating with the same sound. The little girl in me said amen. Gods word for me this year was rest….when you don’t know how You can rest…He whispered it right off the screeninto the ear of my spirit.
I journal my prayers whenever I can because it helps me to gain clarity. Mine aren’t nearly this eloquent! Thank you for sharing your heart and His.
Thank you… This post allowed me, at 3 AM Wed. morning, to quit worrying and beating myself up long enough to fall back to sleep. Maybe I’m not all the things I was telling myself, or actually, maybe I am, but that’s the way God made me and He thinks it’s good. I had to share this with my friends on Facebook today, and then I wrote a blog post about it (I wasn’t sure I’d ever find time or passion to post again) and linked your post and shared your image.
http://rhome410.blogspot.com/2015/01/from-maybe-what-i-really-need-is-to-be.html
Thank you for sharing your letter. I used to enjoy writing letters before and used to keep journals, but over the years that has just fallen off. I am not even sure how I feel about it having fallen off. Anyway, I wanted to share that I know the kind of love you are talking about and until I got to know God and what He means by loving me unconditionally and the gift of righteousness that He has given to me, I used to think I could find that love in other things like friends, family, etc. But with now with God’s word in my spirit, I know and I know by revelation that there can never be any greater love than that of the Father!
Hi Bonnie, I have brought your book for the new year. Am still just at the place where you suggest we reflect on what white space we desire , and opening our heart to experience rest with him. To see him leave the crowd to come and sit with me just moves me so deeply. And how you word his folding my hand in his is just too beautiful! Busyness …and all things that could seem good that I am doing keep me just from this place. I haven’t moved on in the book yet,…bit I will, and know it is going to really change my relationship with him. Thank you so much for all your tender words of encouragement!
This touched me beyond words. Just thinking about taking a friend out for dinner because her husband’s away and she’s taking care of the children, but we really haven’t been TALKING as friends do. Is it just because I wish someone had cared enough about me to do the same when I was going through something a little similar? Is it because I don’t have a sister and I’m trying to fill a void? Or is it because I’d like to hang out a bit with her like she’s implied we should do any way but haven’t? I really don’t know as of now, but maybe I need her in this moment as much as she’s needed me in moments before, yet God supplies all of our need. All I know is I’m truly awakened and present today. The letter shared here and the scriptures Jer. 31:3, Is. 43:1, and Ps. 119:32 really spoke volumes to me today. This ministered deeply and God knew because He knows Me by Name, loves me like no other And Always Have! Thank you.
Beloved,
Be loved
By the lover of your soul
By the one
Who gave up control
Of His life,
Laid it down
Traded His crown
For thorns,
Adoration for scorn
For your sake
He did take up His cross
To die,
To be crucified
A cruel death
With His final breath
He declared
It is finished
Forgiveness
Has won
Through
God’s only Son
Victorious, He
Rose from the grave
To save
And bring healing to all
Hear His call
Hear His glorious voice
One and all
Beloved, be loved
Beloved, be loved
Beloved, be loved
By God
And rejoice
The words of your letter…your heart’s whispering and wonderings nourish my own. I hear His reply to myself…”little Esther girl, I am with you. I value your thoughts and ideas. I value you. I love you.” Abba guide us on this journey of growth. Amen.