As we walk after school she says, Mama. The kids said mean things to me.
And I sigh.
So I counsel and hold and I sway with eight-year-old bony shoulders engulfed by my arms. I talk and make all the plans. And then I get on my knees and repeat the prayer I pray daily for her. O Lord, Make Haste to Save Us.
I can’t make the kids say nice things. I can’t make them like her. I can’t make the transition to a new school easy. I can’t make it okay.
Because you see, there’s always a gap. There is a gap between what I can do, what is possible as a human and what is needed. I’m not all that my husband “needs” so there is a gap and I’m not all that my children need, so there is a gap. There is a gap between my ability and reality.
I can discipline and pray. I can teach and give all of my time. I can create space and home time and easy afternoons, but at the end of the day, she is her own person. She has to make her own choices about how she responds to others and who she becomes. There is a gap between what I can do as a mother and the person she decides to be. And there is gap between how I can console as parent and the hurt that is thrust upon her by others.
That scares me mostly because I can’t control it.
Also. I’m tired.
I’m tired of being a mother sometimes. Not so tired that I walk away, but sometimes the thought of I-can’t-take-the-hamster-wheel-of-it-all any longer takes place in my mind. Simply stated, I’m tired.
I’m not just tired of the laundry but of the energy and the emotion. I’m tired because I can’t be all to all. I’m tired because I try to fill in that gap, but I’ll never be able to.
But now as I sit and pray that daily prayer I’m reminded that there have always been gaps.
There is a gap that we’ve never been able to span. It is the gap between earth and heaven. We are planet-bound with dirt for feet, but somehow we yearn for something else. We yearn for a bridge.
We needed a bridge. So God sent Jesus.
Jesus stands in this fissure, this giant one between heaven and earth, but He also stands in the small in-betweens that rise up when I can’t parent any longer.
When I end, He begins. It’s always been that way. It’s been that way with sin and death. And it’s been that way with parenting. With mothering. With being a wife.
The poet Gibran eloquently muses about children,
“Your children are not your children.…They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”
So I can give my daughters up to the world because Jesus takes over from there. I can give them up to the gap because in that gap there is a bridge. And that bridge is the One who cares more deeply about their well-being than even I do.
Sarah,
I love the imagery of the bridge…even though my children are grown, I still need, will always need, Jesus to be the bridge to fill in the gaps.
When my children were little and I would tuck them in at night, I would rub their backs and pray silently that God would fill in the cracks where I came up short for the day. It was my way of releasing my humanness to Him and letting Him be the one who fills in the gaps. Your post took my back to a very special time and had wisdom for me today as well. Thank you.
Blessings,
Bev
yes!!!
I have recognised the gap and this devotion has confirmed 2 main thing for me: 1. the gai is real, 2. pray and trusting Father, Son and Holy Ghost to take care of loved ones is the ONLY way to go. Thanks for the confirmation!
thank you Rashida! =)
Today is my daughter’s 20th birthday. She is a prodigal and this is the fifth birthday I have not celebrated with her. She has made choices that rend my soul and I have tried everything in my power to close that gap, to save her – even when that saving is from herself. I finally had to let go of the notion that I could close this gap. I am no one’s savior. Only God can save her and only God can bring her home. Thank you for your words today. I needed the reminder that I cannot close this gap no matter how desperately I wish could. The hurt still runs deep but your words today brought comfort so for that please know you are appreciated.
Tammy,
As the sister mother of a prodigal, I feel and echo your pain. They were, and are, God’s children before they were ours. Together may we entrust them to their Father and may He grant us the peace our hearts so desperately need…
Thinking of you,
Bev
thank you so much Tammy and I’m so sorry for your pain. know that we are standing with you in this!!
Thank you for your words today. Yes. Yes, it is the bridge of Jesus that I need to fill the gap. Thank you.
thank you Mary! =)
Thank you for this one today. It was nice to hear another mom verbalize what I sometimes feel. Although I love my children more than words can say I am sometimes just tired of it all. I need that reminder that I can’t be all to everyone all the time. I need God’s help. Thanks for that today.
yes!! we are tired, aren’t we =)
This is beautiful, thank you for writing it! Letting go and trusting Jesus for the gap is so scary but necessary. This post gives me the comfort in knowing that I’m not alone and it will be ok.
thank you so much Tina!! =)
Thank you, Sarah. This is beautiful and so timely. I can’t tell you how much it ministered to me. As a mom of two adult children, I feel that gap desperately. And I have to let Jesus fill it every day and He always does and then He’ll just surprise me with some amazing blessing related to my kids. That is the bittersweet experience of motherhood. The loving and letting go all at once. Thank you for making the sacrifice to write it down and encourage so many. Blessings to you.
yes, it is bitersweet!! i agree =)
And, regardless how old they are, there will always be gaps. Then come grandchildren, and more gaps. I’m afraid it is all part of this life we live in this fallen world. But, one day. One day…
yes!!
Thank you for this timely message. I have 6 children, but one (my fourth) is choosing her own prodigal path. It is so difficult: she is 18, and still living here so the relationship part is strained to non-existent – depending on the day. She is choosing to walk away from God, and not take care of herself, while trying to pursue her dreams of paramedic. I struggle with regrets of my mistakes and imperfections. But Jesus is is the bridge, fills the gap. I have to “be still” and watch God work. That is the message He has given me so much these last months. Yes, He works slower than I would desire, but He is working deeper than I ever could. I am walking this road with a husband who is disappointed in her, and somewhat distant. And two 15 year old daughters who are still at home, watching all of this. I have to let them see that Jesus fills the gap. Thank you, thank you for your post.
i’m so sorry for all the difficulty, Martha. standing with you today as you let Jesus fill that gap.
A beautiful and timely blog. You put into words the ache in a mother’s heart when she can’t fix the bruising that happens to her children. We long to smooth out their rough places and we we can’t the helplessness that follows can be debilitating, until we take their hand and walk them to Jesus, the master heart healer. Thank you for posting and being so real about the daily tug-of-war.
ahh, thank you dana! yes, we can’t stop the bruising, can we.
What a beautiful explanation of the gospel! Brilliant. It’s like Jesus held my hand through your words.
thank you shannon!! i love that!
Love you and your sweet girls! Sending a hug your way today…
i know you do!! xoxo
Love this Sarah. I relate. xoxo
love you girl. xoxo
The truth that you speak in this post gives me rest. I burn myself out at times trying to be all and I never can. Its comforting to know that God is the one that completes everyone and fills all. It’s important to say no and know when to step back so that God can step in. Thanks for writing a really great post.
yes, rest. there is no reason to burn out, right? =)
Thank you for reminding me that the bridge is right there in front of me – just a step away when I can no longer take another step!
yes!! thank you rachel!
Thank you and God bless you. I have always looked at myself as a caretaker looking after God’s children so whenever I get stuck, I go to our Father to say, “Father pls take complete control & teach me to be able to teach them according to Your way & will for each of their lives.” May God continue to inspire you as you encourage others by opening up the window to your personal life. God bless you Sarah!
thank you roseline!! =)
Thank you for the love in your message..love that only a mother filled with His love for the little ones can grasp…a never ending love with a promise..I will never leave nor forsake you.
i sure do love those little girls!! =)
Sarah,
What a powerful analogy of the bridge! I don’t have any children, but am dealing with aging parent. I need Jesus to be the “bridge gap” for me. I can’t be there all the time & fix all the problems! I’m human and need help!!!
This post reminds me of a song from years ago “The Great Divide” by Point of Grace. “The Great Divide” by Point of Grace. I love how it talks about God’s mercy making a “bridge” to reach the other side.
“The Great Divide”
Silence
Trying to fathom the distance
Looking out ‘cross the canyon carved by my hands
God is gracious
Sin would still separate us
Were it not for the bridge His grace has made us
His love will carry me
[Chorus]
There’s a bridge to cross the great divide
A way was made to reach the other side
The mercy of the Father, cost His son His life
His love is deep, His love is wide
There’s a cross to bridge the great divide
God is faithful
On my own I’m unable
He found me hopeless, alone and sent a Savior
He’s provided a path and promised to guide us
Safely past all the sin that would divide us
His love delivers me
[Chorus]
The cross that cost my Lord His life
Has given me mine
There’s a bridge to cross the great divide
There’s a cross to bridge the great divide
Silence
Trying to fathom the distance
Looking out ‘cross the canyon carved by my hands
God is gracious
Sin would still separate us
Were it not for the bridge His grace has made us
His love will carry me
[Chorus]
There’s a bridge to cross the great divide
A way was made to reach the other side
The mercy of the Father, cost His son His life
His love is deep, His love is wide
There’s a cross to bridge the great divide
God is faithful
On my own I’m unable
He found me hopeless, alone and sent a Savior
He’s provided a path and promised to guide us
Safely past all the sin that would divide us
His love delivers me
[Chorus]
The cross that cost my Lord His life
Has given me mine
There’s a bridge to cross the great divide
There’s a cross to bridge the great divide
yes! i remember that song! =)
You said EXACTLY how I’ve felt about being a mom…all those times when my heart is in a million pieces, broken over the hurt of one of my children. Wanting to fix it and realizing that I can’t. SO HARD. This: “There is a gap that we’ve never been able to span. It is the gap between earth and heaven. We are planet-bound with dirt for feet, but somehow we yearn for something else. We yearn for a bridge. We needed a bridge. So God sent Jesus.”
So, so beautiful.
“O Lord, Make Haste to Save Us.”
thank you Marty. yes.
O Lord, make haste to save.
Thank you for this. For your openness, honesty, and God loving and fearing soul. I needed
to read this tonight. I have an amazing son, that brought great joy and a great new perspective on life. He’s had some learning problems, ADD/ADHD. He seems to improve with these things each year, but still struggles with his self esteem each year. I am searching, hoping, and praying to find the right counselor that can help him move past these things.
He’s got a big heart, a love of life, a smile that will light up a room, and so much more. I would love for you all to pray that he gets past this and finds good Godly friends.
Thank You!
Sarah, this spoke to me powerfully today. I needed your words. Where I end, He begins.
I “end” a lot these days in mothering my son, Ryan, with Prader-Willi syndrome.
Thanks for being an encourager!
I love your openness. Have your read One thousand gifts? Wish it had been written when my kids were little. I thought I was a terrible mother for feeling that way from time to time. I always find a respite maybe coffee with a friend or a pedicure snuck in some where. I even went to a day retreat od prayer and reflection it was amazing. Being the mother your girls can come to with their burdens is huge. I have started a blog about God, PTSD and healing if you want to check it out. Thank you for sharing today.
http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/2014/10/forgiveness.html
Thank you for this. After trying to do it all and control every single thing in my children’s lives, I gave up (because I burnt out) I ended up putting my children in school after homeschooling for 19 years. I have learned that God will care for our children no matter what. He is good.
Thank you for that!!! I woke up today thinking….. How am I going to go through another day, like just in the past!!! See I have a daughter who will be 18 in Feb. she is choosing to walk away from God and I’m trying to make her see God blessings everyday. Instead, she reminds me everyday she is ready to leave and doesn’t seem to care if she graduates. In the mean time .. I’m trying to work a full time job and make sure all her paperwork is in for college. I want God to hurry up and Fill the Gaps… But I know his timing is right! Thank you , for this msg.. It shows me First of all. I am not alone in this and secondly, God has a plan. She keeps telling me she is leaving and hates me and wish I wasn’t her mom… It puts a strain on me but I know God has a plan and I look up to him and say…”God take control and let you guide me to what I need to say and do”. Thank you, for showing me I’m not the only one going through this right now. It’s also the first time… I have been on here. Thank you Lord,.. For showing me this wed site