I didn’t pass out, after all. Or throw up. I was concerned I may do one or the other or at worst, both at the same time.
After years of speaking in front of crowds with my corporate job, I had grown accustomed to the last minute jitters and found my way past them as my confidence rose.
That confidence flew out those glass church doors as I stood – knock-kneed in front of seventy women – to talk about the rocks we throw that aren’t ours to throw in the first place and the grace we should be throwing instead.
I also realized in the weeks of preparation leading to the event, I had been throwing rocks at myself.
Who do you think you are to speak to women on matters of faith? You just threw your kids toy over the fence and down the hill because they wouldn’t stop fighting over it. Who does that? I did. Evidently, I do.
So many of the growing pains of motherhood and womanhood I’ve experienced have come from turning the slingshot around on myself. From not measuring up to who I think I have to be or who the world says I should be.
I stopped burning up the road to be home and now so many days I look at the driveway longing to leave. Alone. Because I’m not skilled enough to raise my children or talk to women about giving grace when I don’t know how to give it to myself or anyone else.
In the past I would have stopped there. I would have let my fear of failure win. I would have given up the dream to speak or write or stay home because I would let the rock lie. And oh, how our rocks lie.
The rocks we throw at ourselves and others travel hard and fast and loud. And then they lie. Silent and cold and still. They lie.
They lie about the truth. They tell a different truth that isn’t truth at all.
I’m not good enough. I’m not equipped to do that. She’s so much better than me. Prettier than me. More blessed than me. I can’t…
But God can.
And He will. If we let Him work in us and through us.
It’s not about us, anyway. Not our glory. All for His glory. Always and only His glory.
Am I scared? Yes, so scared. Scared I will mess up my kids and my chance to make a difference in the lives of all of these people I love. Yes, I’m scared.
But I do believe scared is the new brave, as Lisa-Jo Baker put it so well.
No brave person has not known fear. It’s what we do with our fear that determines our course.
In our fear, we find strength we never knew we had.
Strength from the One whose strength alone is all we need. In our weakness, He is strong.
A God-sized dream will take God to see it through. A healthy dose of fear will keep us brave enough to seek God for the finish.
Fear can be healthy when we give it to the One who can do something about it. In my abundant opportunities to throw my fears on God recently, I’ve discovered when I give it to God, my fear steers clear. And that’s a step in the right direction.
The fact is, I messed up that day. I forgot some memorized lines and had to look at my notes. But I kept going. Whether people noticed or not, they didn’t throw rocks. Instead, they covered me in grace.
They took the words spoken and prayed over them and lived them out. Imagine that. Sisters in Christ coming together in grace and love and community. It was a beautiful day and the start of what I pray is a beautiful ministry.
When we let rocks lie, we set grace free.
Just like God does for each of us every time we give our fear to Him. He puts it to rest so we can move forward. In His grace and for His glory.
Oh yes, every brave soul has faced fear. The brave just choose to give their fear to Christ, and then rest in His promise to “fear not.”Leave a Comment