Infertility wrecked my faith.
Everything I thought I knew about God and His goodness was destroyed as months dragged by with rejection after rejection. For almost 18 months I wrestled with my logical understanding of God and His goodness until I finally gave up. Literally.
I stopped going to the doctor. Stopped taking the ovulation tests. Stopped taking all the prescriptions. I did my best to lock all of the pain associated with my infertility into a little black box and hide it deep into my heart. I told myself over and over that by giving up I had “given it all to God,” but I hadn’t… not really.
Another six months passed and I was trying my best to repair my broken relationship with Jesus. I dug deep into His Word again and worshipped with all of my strength. That little black box tried to come to the surface every now and then, but I would shove it back in and pretend it was not there.
Until God asked me to give it to Him.
“I cannot give that box to you, God. I need it to stay inside… hidden. That pain is mine to bear until I finally have a child. It won’t ever go away… I’ll always be sad. Can’t we just talk about something else?” I whispered in my heart during church service that day.
“Give it to me, my daughter. I have something better for you. I will take your little black box and put something much better in its place. Just trust me,” He gently replied.
The words from the worship song were loud as my heart swirled with emotions. I stood there with tears running down my face and hands lifted high as I finally handed over my box to Jesus.
God gladly accepted it and took my pain upon Himself. Then He turned to me, wiped the tears from my eyes, and created in me a new thing. He gave me a new heart with a new love for Him and His kingdom. He filled me with His peace and His overwhelming love and grace. He spoke a new promise into my heart and spun a new faith in Him out of my shattered mess:
“Look at the nations and watch – and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5
I do not miss my little black box that hid in the corner of my heart and threatened to steal my joy. I am so glad that I have a Savior who can take away that pain and give me something so much better. I have discovered a new freedom in Christ that is abundantly glorious and beautiful!
What about you? Do you have your own box of pain hidden in your heart? Do not be afraid to give it to Him, He wants to give you something so much better! You can trust Him, dear sister!