They say friends are the family we choose.
For many of us family hasn’t always been easy. For some of us friendship hasn’t either.
We’ve had wounds and disappointments and prayers unanswered. Perhaps we’ve longed for the approval of our father or the unwavering love of our mother. Maybe we wish we could have a sister. Not just one of flesh, but spirit too. Or maybe we long to have a friend who truly gets us. Who knows us for who we are and accepts us not in spite of, but because of it all.
Because deep in the strands of our DNA is the hardwired need for relationship. To know and be known, to love and be loved in return. To share the intimate places of our truest selves, and find the unrelenting arms of grace.
The threads of family cut deep. The tapestry of our lives is very much told in the story of family. Broken, mended, patched or threadbare; each of us hold a story carved on the walls of our hearts, and we carry the burden on our backs.
For many, our wounds come from the family we were given. For others, the ones we have chosen. But the truth is we all have a story. Whether a broken dream, a shattered life, or a wounded heart. We all want to be known, but we’re afraid to be seen.
Afraid to have the same painful story of our past repeat itself in our present or future.
So the question becomes: How can we love well in a world of broken, hurting people – hurting other people? How do we live fully and well in a world full to the brim of pain?
There are no easy answers, but I know one thing for sure: we must find our courage.
Because we’re going to need it.
When we live deeper than a superficial life, we discover the reality that our healing lies in truthfulness with ourselves and others; in removing our masks; cultivating courage to be bold and authentic; and discovering strength in the very act of reaching out in healthy relationship.
Only through our brokenness and vulnerability can we find, examine, and mend the pieces of ourself and put them back together whole.
Courage gives us the ability to push past our fear and look into the face of pain. It pushes us to reach out to community, believing there is grace, even though it has been the very thing that has hurt us in the past.
Courage is the ability to do something you know is difficult or dangerous because you have a faith that is bigger than fear; you know a God who is a healer of hurt; and you believe in a love that is deeper than the pain you have been through.
Too often we live on the surface of our lives, afraid to go deep.
Afraid to tend to the wounds in our spirit that cause us to live a life less than we deserve. Paralyzed by rejection, abandonment, cruelty or unworthiness we’ve bought into the illusion that if we live on the surface, we can protect ourselves from suffering.
But we were made to go deep.
And living on the surface only separates us from the very spirit that lives inside. The one hardwired for intimacy and depth and purpose.
I’m calling out the illusion of a superficial life. Refusing to live in the false security that keeps us from knowing the deepest truest places of our soul, finding the courage to be real, and setting our hearts free from the things that try to hold us back.
Do you hide pain, bitterness and brokenness behind the veneer of a pretty exterior? Do you find yourself covering all that is real under layers of distractions, addictions and a critical spirit? An assortment of pretty? Do you want to live deeper than a superficial life and find your identity in God instead of your relationships?
Christan says
Thank you for this, Tammy. “Courage is the ability to do something you know is difficult or dangerous because you have a faith that is bigger than fear… you believe in a love that is deeper than the pain you have been through.” I’m choosing faith today instead of fear. I hope to live in such a way today to inspire others to choose faith instead, too. And yes, His love does go much, much deeper than pain, than unanswered questions, than confusing relationships, than my own brokenness. Thanks for this post, Tammy. Congrats on your new book.
Tammy Strait says
Thank you Christian! I’m praying for your courage & walking in faith. Blessings to you!
Kim says
The timing of this…I have lived most of my life in fear and in the illusion of self-protection. For several months now I have been thinking, processing, feeling…finding and discovering the puzzle pieces of my life and fitting them together to reveal the me God created and loves. I have just taken some difficult first steps of sharing deep secrets, past hurts, heart pain…and as hard and scary as it was, I now know a freedom and lightness.
I still have much to work on, as the practices I have done for so long are comfortable and come as 2nd nature. Each day is a challenge to be conscience of a new way of thinking, living and believing.
Thank you for the encouragement. Knowing I am not along in this struggle helps tremendously.
Tammy Strait says
Oh yes Kim, you are not alone! We’re all just trying to do our best, every day. Remember imperfect progress is still progress. I’m so proud of your courage reaching out to safe community to share your story and finding freedom. He is a God of miracles, isn’t He? Keep pressing forward. Blessings to you!
Kristen says
Thank you for posting this, Tammy! This is something I struggle with and have for a while.”Deep in The strands of our DNA is the harriers need for relationship”…. This is so true and as much as I have tried to fight this very truth… I am still left with a need for relationship. My past hurts and rejections have set up great walls in my mind causing me to block any kind of deep relationship from happening, even with my husband. “courage is the ability to do something you know is difficult and dangerous because you have a faith that is bigger than fear… You believe in a love that is deeper than the pain that you’ve been through.” this statement empowers me and pushes me to step out in faith and tear down the walls I have built around my heart and be vulnerable to being loved and loving others. Thank you so much 🙂
Tammy Strait says
You’re welcome Kristen! I’ve tried to wall off my heart too and it just never work! He is always challenging us to reach out to find our community, even through our heartache. Because of our heartache! It’s the only thing that will set us free. I pray you will continue to find courage and reach out in faith, trusting He will meet you every step. Blessings!
JoniG. says
Your words come at a moment when what I want most is to live mostly hidden, yet I’m called to live vulnerable and open. Sometimes it seems much too hard to be seen. The truth is I need to be seen, to be open in order to be encouraging. “Morning by morning He wakens…”
Thank you.
Tammy Strait says
You’re welcome Joni! I’m praying for Him to minister to your heart and help you break free. To come out of hiding and find the community you so long for. Blessings.
Sharon` says
This is it….this is exactly what I’m going through right now. This is why I find myself so isolated and so lonely, why I can’t open up no matter how hard I try, why I never let anyone see the real me. I have trained myself to live a superficial life with most people, and it’s so exhausting! How I LONG for real relationships, deeper friendships and intimacy with others. Oh God, please help me. I’m so alone.
Tammy Strait says
Oh Sharon. God knows the intimate desires of our heart and He longs to give them to us! I’m praying for you to find the courage and strength to open your heart and let Him lead you into safe community where you can set your heart free. He loves you so.
Carla says
Thank you so much Tammy for your encouragement today. I really needed it. What a blessing!
Tammy Strait says
Thank you Carla! Blessings to you.
Jodi Michaelides says
Thank you!
Tammy Strait says
You’re welcome Jodi!
alli says
Sometimes its easy to live on the internet you can leave instead of sticking it out and making it work. I hope to work for authenticity
Tammy Strait says
You’re so right Alli. I wrote a chapter in my book on social media called “my so-called life.” It’s so true! We need to step out of our preferred reality and into our real one. I pray for you to be bold and find your courage to be real. Blessings to you!
Ruth says
Today I took courage in both hands and was honest with a friend where I was at fault. Vulnerability is scary, but surface relationships more so. Right now I feel vulnerable, may I lean more on His grace.
Tammy Strait says
YAY Ruth! I’m SO proud of your bravery! It’s is bold and brave to admit when we are wrong and seek reconciliation. I pray that through your vulnerability God will set you free. Awesome!
Janine says
“We were created to go deep”. I’m so glad you made that statement…..your blog really touches on the heart of the matter….sometimes those who have that thing….make me feel I should be fine without it….”be happy where you are”. …so as I’m waiting I’m working….feeling tired waiting for that oasis…I never thout that meant I was courageous…
Tammy Strait says
Janine, you ARE courageous! Working on ourselves while we wait on God is one of the bravest things we do. One of my favorite life quotes comes from Mark Batterson, he says: “Work like it depends on you, pray like it depends on God.” God can do more than we can ask or even imagine but we have to step out in faith first. Blessings to you, brave girl!
tammie says
I so needed this today…God Has been telling me this for a while..thanks for the confirmation!!! It really blessed me…
Tammy Strait says
Oh I’m so glad Tammie!
Barbara says
When I read this, I felt you were writing specifically about me. Your words ring so true for me. I’ve had these struggles my entire life. I go through a period of time when all seems to be in place and then out of no where I get a rude awakening and I’m walking through this dark valley again. Carrying this baggage has made me so weary and I find myself surrendering it to the Lord, again. For years I’ve thought to myself “there is something wrong with me”. As I mature and grow in my faith, I’m realizing it’s not me and there is comfort in knowing my Savior loves me! After all, He created me and He makes no mistakes. Thank you for the encouragement and your obedience in sharing the message the Lord wants many of us to hear! Blessings to you!
Tammy Strait says
He does love you, so much Barbara. An extraordinary life is charted imperfectly by faith. You are certainly not alone as you grow and surrender and step out in faith. Proud of you!
sandy says
deeply hardwired for relationships … such truth! the struggles to not allow this realm’s apparent failures to become my focus continue to send me heaven-ward …. God is our ultimate, faithful and full of grace friend
Tammy Strait says
Yes, He is. And I’m so thankful for grace. Blessings Sandy!
wynne says
i so needed to hear this – it’s a message god has been hammering into me this week. i hide behind noise, and work, and social media sometimes. but i’m taking a step today to sit in the silence, to be real with my thoughts and emotions and see what deep wounds he wants to heal. thank you tammy!
Tammy Strait says
So proud of you for being brave Wynne! I pray He meets you in the silence and leads you every step of the way. I know He will. xo
Beth WIlliams says
For years I hid in my home. Oh I did things out and about but not with many friends. A lot of that was due to my hearing and speech troubles. Over time God has shown me that when I go deep and open up to people–they like me and it is ok to be the me God made me!
I struggle some with “failure” and self esteem. I don’t openly admit it, but it is there and I feel it a lot of days. I think I’ve chosen a wrong career path for myself and don’t measure up to others in this field. Thus the hurt and pain I feel at work most days. My faith is taking me to deeper levels by praying for my co-workers. God is showing me that to go deep I must live intentionally and be kind & caring for others.
Blessings 🙂
tammy @ grace uncommon says
It sounds like you are well on your way, Beth. It is more than okay to be the you God made you to be! Praying for your journey into deeper faith and living intentionally. Proud of your courage!
Shelli Littleton says
Displaying our hardships is one of the hardest, humbling things we can do. But it’s the only way to minister to others. Blessed by you! Shelli
tammy @ grace uncommon says
Thank you Shelli! xo
Meg says
Thank you for this, I needed this reminder this morning. There have been times in my life when I definitely skimmed the surface, afraid to go to deep, get hurt again. But there have been times I’ve reached out and taken some risks in friendships, and been blessed by beautiful fellowship because of it. Yes, this life is painful, but God has so many beautiful blessings for us, if we’ll only step out in faith and trust Him.
tammy @ grace uncommon says
Absolutely Meg! I’m so glad you’ve risked and found beautiful friendships & community. It’s so, so good. Blessings!
Amy says
Thank you! I pretend to have courage, I’m working on it. I do not have any close friends, I try but it never works out, I’m never included! My husband just lost his job, again, it makes me with draw, I’ll try to get your book from the library!
Keep writing:)
Cecelia Enns Schulz says
Thank you! God started to speak to my heart about a year ago, encouraging me to be authentic and genuine in my relationships. Many years of my life have been filled with people and many have not. Through each of those seasons I longed for true friendship. I longed to feel not lonely. He showed me that all the times I had been wounded had taught me to share just enough to be ‘friends’ but nothing more. I held myself at arms length thinking I’d save myself hurt. Instead, I had no one who even really knew me and lived in hurt. It hasn’t been easy. But I truly believe it has been so worth it – relearning how to share myself and choosing to trust God to put the pieces back if I should be hurt. Every single one of us are wounded and we operate out of those woundings, we WILL get hurt in this life but God is so much bigger and so able to heal our hurts and our hearts. He has created us for relationship and created us with something worthwhile to give. Loving is a risk but something I want to continue to choose to do.
sarena says
Tammy,
I read your work everyday! I was meant to find you… it was perfect timing! Thank you for your words, they are truly healing. You have found your gift and calling.
tammy @ grace uncommon says
Sarena, thank you so much for your encouragement. It really fell on a needed heart this morning. I love how God uses each of us to minister to each other’s hearts. Blessings to you. xo