We were a month into seeing each other and we were having the DTR (Determine the Relationship) discussion. We both had been praying and we had decided to begin pursuing a serious relationship.
He said, “While I want to pursue this, I’m okay if we discover that I’m not God’s best for you or you’re not God’s best for me.”
Jump to me thinking the following: “Well, I’m not okay with that! I went through a broken engagement last year plus two more cruel rejections from guys and frankly, I’m tired of putting my heart out there only to never be chosen. I can’t go through that pain again.”
While I might have been thinking those thoughts, I simply nodded and agreed hoping and praying that this was the man God had chosen for me. Please, don’t make me give him up, too.
Less than a month later, that’s exactly what God asked me to do.
I was angry and sad and discouraged.
During the pain and heartache from my broken engagement the previous year, I had clung to the promise that those who sow in tears will reap a harvest of joy (Psalm 126:5). I spent night after night crying out to God and clinging to Scripture. Where was my harvest of joy? Where was my redemption story?
I didn’t understand why just as I had begun to believe that this relationship might work out after years of being rejected, my dream of being a wife and a mom felt like it had been ripped from my hands … again.
A couple of weeks after the breakup, I was listening to author and speaker Rebekah Lyons talk online. She stated that true healing begins with confession. She spoke of how she had discovered in years prior that God hadn’t been enough for her in her writing because she had wanted more than an audience of one.
It was then I realized God hadn’t been enough for me in my singleness.
God is the only One who can fill every empty space; every desire and dream that make up who I am can only be filled by my Savior.
So why then is it so hard for me to let Him be enough in my singleness? Why does my heart break every time I see a couple holding hands? Why does it bring tears to my eyes when there’s yet another engagement or pregnancy announced? Why does it physically hurt to think that I may never be pursued and chosen to be someone’s wife, that I may never cook my husband a meal, that I may never have a cute baby bump, and that I may never hold my children and plan their birthday parties?
Why can’t I let Him fill this desire that is within me?
I want to be that woman who is completely satisfied in Christ even if my biggest dreams fall to the wayside. I want to let Jesus fill every inch of my soul and heal the broken pieces that reside there.
I want Him to be enough because I know He is.
So I come to Him with hands lifted up asking for help.
Here I am, Lord, please fill the empty places and heal the broken pieces.Leave a Comment