Three years ago you were born even as I fought against nature and attempted to hold you in. This is not how the baby books tell you to approach labor. Quite the opposite, actually. Apparently I was supposed to work with the contraction, breathing out and letting it deliver you into this world.
Instead I gripped bed rails and held every breath attempting to stop you from slipping away from me, in both body and spirit.
They took you anyway, through an incision, so all that effort to fight my own body was for naught.
And at twenty five weeks gestation you had a birthday, fifteen weeks before your due date, now residing on the same calendar page as Thanksgiving rather than Valentine’s Day.
They pushed my bed toward a recovery room down a hospital hallway adorned with festive fall decor, in the exact opposite direction they were wheeling you.
On our first Thanksgiving together I stared down at your face, cupped in my palm, the size of your skull so small that it failed to fill it. A nurse cleared away the tubes from your nose and your mouth and removed the tiny little shades covering your eyes so that I could see you properly, the flesh of my flesh.
When I was a little girl I traced my hand with marker and meticulously colored in each outline of a finger to form a turkey. Scrawled in shaky cursive on each feather was a thanksgiving for family, for food, for my cat Bosco who curled up on my feet at night and for winning the Pilgrim Hat Making Contest.
(I was a very competitive child.)
We went around the table and passed words of thanksgiving with the gravy, for family, for food, for fellowship and for football.
(Depending on which team was winning.)
Many thanksgivings have left my lips but none so full of truth than the day that I whispered it over you softly, so as not to overburden your yet unformed ears with the sound.
Then they draped a blanket back over your isolette and I couldn’t see you, but I could see your heartbeats on a monitor and I counted every one in thanksgiving to its unsteady rhythm.
Another heartbeat. Thank you, Lord.
Another heartbeat. Thank you, Lord.
She forgot to breathe. Let her breathe, let her breathe.
Breathe.
Please breathe.
She took a breath. Thank you, Lord.
Elsewhere other families broke bread and bowed heads while I sat in the dark and uncovered a thanksgiving that I didn’t know could exist in such suffering, one that entangled itself with my existence and would become a light unto my path.
I don’t need a calendar for Thanksgiving now, all orange and brown, marked by apple cider and falling leaves.
You rolled over and it was Thanksgiving, hot summer sun beating down on the window.
You spoke a single syllable and it was Thanksgiving, snow falling softly from the night sky.
You took shaky steps toward us and it was Thanksgiving, blooms still in buds outside.
I know that our story could have ended differently and I’m still counting the Thanksgivings with heartbeats, a new rhythm of life where all of the smallest things really do call for rejoicing.
“Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle.” – Ann Voskamp
And at night, when I tuck you in with your tulip blanket and feel your chest rise and fall with breath and pulse of a heartbeat underneath my hand, I can see it in the flesh.
Thank you, Lord.
Leave a Comment“In everything give thanks.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God says
Kayla,
Thank you for sharing your story…what a poignant reminder that “thanksgiving always precedes the miracle” and that every day, every hour can be “thanksgiving” if we look for His loving hand.
Blessings and Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Bev
Angieleigh @ Once Upon A Book says
I never tire of the miracle that is Scarlette. From the fragile micro-preemie to the rambunctious three year old that she is now…God’s grace and mercy shine down on you in thanksgiving of its own. You were chosen for this child by the Almighty and you never forget that. You truly are an inspiration to all mothers, not just those who have walked the same path as you.
Happy Thanksgiving to you, Jeff, and Scarlette. <3
Sarah says
Beautiful post! I think I’ve written to you before that I was premature, and it reminds me to thank God for my life He’s given me.
Charin Adams says
This is so beautiful! Lots of tears reading this. 🙂 Scarlette is so lucky to have you as a Mama!
Kayla Aimee says
Thank you Charin! I’m lucky to be her mama 🙂
Patty Muich says
So beautiful! I am sorry you had to go through the scary part but it makes her even more special that she already was! My daughter just had twins in Aug. They took them early but it was planned that way. She was still very scared as babies are not supposed to arrive early. She is having Thanksgiving every day as well. Daddy got a giggle out of Samantha the other day. A moment of pure, unadulterated love and joy!
Love, Patty
Kayla Aimee says
First giggles are the best! Much love to your daughter, I know that was frightening regardless.
Joy Hamilton says
Beautiful! Giving thanks for the miracle of life.
Kayla Aimee says
It really is such a miracle, isn’t it? The fact that everything WORKS the way it does to give us life 24/7? xoxo
karyn says
O our third grandson was only two pounds but we did not take care of him. His mum did. Until he was strong enough. Two months. It was hard. But he did not need help to breathe. Well, I don’t really know.
So touching.
🙁
Kayla Aimee says
Thanks Karyn. I know two months probably felt like forever. xoxo
~Karrilee~ says
This is so beautiful… and such a reminder that Thanksgiving comes to us every day when we give thanks – even for the hard eucharisteos!
Happy Thanksgiving & Happy Birthday!
~K~
Carlyn says
As a mom of a NICU baby, one with respiratory issues … among many other physical issues, I too am thankful for each breath, each smile, each “terrorizing” moment of her life as a curious 2-year old. They are precious little ones, full of life, love, and extra spirit!
Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Kayla Aimee says
YES. We are kindred in that. <3
Rachael @ Mommy LCSW says
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful! Suffering finds meaning when it is combined with thanksgiving. I am so glad that your story ended with so much more to be thankful for!
Kayla Aimee says
thank you Rachael! And YES YES YES, what is the purpose of suffering if not for glory, right?
Mrs. H. says
tears. this is beautiful.
Kristina says
So beautiful, my friend. ♥
Stacy says
Beautiful story. Seven years ago on Thanksgiving, my first born was born still at 38 weeks. As the Macy’s parade was rolling by and people were giving thanks. I was asking why me? Today nine years later I can give thanks to God for two more boys that were born alive. Thanksgiving is always bitter sweet. I think of my little angel in heaven but give thanks for the two angels here with me on earth. Happy Thanksgiving.
Kayla Aimee says
Stacy, I am so sorry. I am so glad for you that your arms are full here on earth but I know that ache for heaven must be even more for you. I remember wondering on our worst days how everyone else could just be going on with their lives when my baby was struggling to live. Happy Thanksgiving- where thanksgiving is the hardest of euchariesto
Marty says
This is beautiful.
I can so relate to your story of watching the heartbeats on the monitor and giving thanks for each one. From a tiny, little guy born in a precarious state at 27 weeks gestation…to his cancer diagnosis at age 2…to now a healthy, strong, godly 17 year old young man…this story took me back. So many people don’t “get” why my husband and I are thankful for and excited about everything this child does, whether he excels at it or not. Him being here is the miracle. Like you, we know not everyone has our happy ending. So thankful today.
Thank you for sharing.
Kayla Aimee says
I love to hear stories of preemies who go one to be “healthy, strong, godly” 🙂 I can’t imagine what you must have felt but I do know what you mean about just having him here being the miracle.
xoxo
Jovita says
Wow, what an incredible story. Thank you for sharing with such grace what you have to be thankful for. Our God is so good!
Shelli Littleton says
Beautiful!
Gretchen says
Bless you for sharing such a sacred memory with us. How miraculous that one born so very early is with you today! Thanksgiving must be profound each and every year for the memory of your daughter.
Thank you.
gretchen
Janet says
My firstborn was also a premie; born at 28 week gestation. Moved her birthday on the calendar from April to February. She was a cesarean birth also, but because I had pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was stroke level and my legs looked like they belonged on an elephant. My husband got to see her very soon after birth and the neonatologist brought me a Polaroid picture of her while I had to stay where I was on my back, getting IV medication that can only be given in labor & delivery or ICU. It was two days before I saw her. Her doctor came and told me she extubated herself at 5 hours old, they weren’t tubing her again. The steroids I had during pregnancy strengthened her lungs that much. She flipped herself in the isolette 6 weeks before she was supposed to be born. So, so many things to be thankful for. She’s almost 30 now, hoping to get pregnant herself, knowing the doctors told me I couldn’t. Thank you, Lord.
Janet
Kayla Aimee says
They are so much stronger than you’d think they could be, those tiny little ones aren’t they! My husband brought me photos too 🙂 Lots of prayers for a healthy pregnancy for your daughter!
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Beth Williams says
Kayla,
Wow! 🙂 What a beautiful, poignant story of love and Thanksgiving! It shouldn’t take miracles to open our eyes & see the beauty that is before us. We should be thankful daily for small things–breathing, sunshine, heat, food, etc. Thanksgiving should be practiced daily for everything!
God Bless you and your family!
Ava Lind says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have had 3 preemies and am pregnant with our 4th. Only 10 days to go until full term! Every day is such a gift. We all need to live Thanksgiving every hour of every day. Blessings to you and your family. We serve a great God in all circumstances.
Kayla Aimee says
FULL TERM! Congrats! In my preemie support group, we do a little dance whenever someone gets to full term in a subsequent pregnancy 🙂 Here’s to a full term dance for you and prayers for a healthy delivery! xoxo
Mary Carver says
Thank you so much for sharing your story! My first daughter was supposed to be born on Thanksgiving…and came 7 weeks early in October instead. I’ve never really been able to put all of it into words, so I’m even more thankful for yours here.
Kayla Aimee says
Thank you Mary. It is hard to find sentence structure that can hold that sort of raw 🙂
Dara says
Kaylee,
You write so beautifully.
I would love to see your story, and those of all the commenters here compiled into a book. What a Testimony to Life that would be.
For me, Thanksgiving seems always shadowed by the loss or terminal diagnosis of a friend. That is difficult, but significantly different from sitting in hospital wondering if your newborn will take another breath.
Thank you for putting LIFE in perspective. I shall start to remember NICU babies and their moms and families in my prayers, especially at Holidays. Big hugs, and keep writing, Kaylee!
D
Kayla Aimee says
They would appreciate it, I know it 🙂 Holidays in a children’s hospital are the worst :/ xoxo!
~ linda says
Yes, in everything! Your beautiful words remind me that I take too much for granted. In EVERYTHING, I want to see the precious gifts of the Father. IN EVERYTHING! They then do become Thanksgiving.
I am so glad I read this today. I have been blessed by your in-sight from your out-side. Praising Him with you.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Tana says
Beautiful…thanks for sharing!xx
Lis says
So, so beautiful. And such a good reminder that in EVERYTHING, we are to give thanks.
Alessandra Ferguson says
Brought tears to my eyes. Such beautiful words. What a miracle.
Teresa C. says
You’ve really put into words what it’s like to have a preemie baby and to depend on God for every early milestone. I had a baby in the NICU too, and I loved how you expressed this feeling of depending on God and then the thanksgiving for a miracle.
amber p says
I just got around to reading this. We’re hoping to be thankful for our son’s cries on Tuesday as they are planning to extubate him and put him on CPAP.