“Faith is believing when you don’t have all the answers.”
Oh, how I wanted to understand it all, when those words were first spoken to me. Everything about life and faith. I wanted clarity and for sures and right ways. I was all hormones and high school and confused about Jesus. I was sure what I felt in my heart was a pulling toward Him. And yet I mixed up His message of grace with all of what I heard around the political hot buttons of the day and the debates and the anger. And the clarity wasn’t there.
When I pushed into the idea and grasped onto belief, then as a girl filled with fear and doubt, I had no idea how much more true those words would ring as I lived life. I was certainly a bundle of questions then. Questions for which I was sure there were answers. I demanded them, not yet realizing that this side of heaven they often don’t come.
Years of wondering why my father stayed away. Still not answered.
Of why a gift of a man was given to me at an age that now sounds so young. And then what about the discernment to marry him? Wisdom beyond my years I still don’t understand.
Of cancer and miscarriage in people I loved. And redemption in them both. And loss beyond understanding there too. That’s just it, the beyond understanding. Every year, every life passing, I knew less of how God works, and yet was more comfortable in not knowing.
Of four girls, all who were carried between these baby-bearing hips, how they were handed down from heaven for me to care for. Despite the fact that I fail them with harsh words and impatience and distraction, they were assigned to me. I failed once as a mother and God trusted me three more times. Why?
Of how each one of these girls, with the same combination of genes as her sisters, is uniquely created. With her strengths and heartaches all her own. How does new life come out of this meager woman? I was there when they were born, otherwise I might not believe that such wonder could come from someone as ordinary as me.
Grief and joy in the same set of circumstances. God, I simply don’t understand.
And the more I don’t understand, the more I believe.
Because those words from years ago are true. Faith is believing when you don’t have all the answers. Because in all of this questioning, the truth stands out so boldly. It is easier to see what is right and good. To find it in the mix up of life. And give back to God the questions.
For I know that He can handle them. My questions are not too big for Him. As much as I’d like to conjure up my worth, I don’t intimidate the Almighty, nor do my doubts.
So I give them, my doubts, my questions, my disbelief, to Him and choose to believe what I know to be true. What I see evidenced in the extraordinary disguised as the ordinary of my days.
He is the source of all things good and beautiful.
He created me.
He sees me.
He loves me.
And the same is true of you.
——————-
Alexandra Kuykendall works at MOPS International (Mothers of Preschoolers) where she encourages mothers of young children to keep growing as they take on their new mothering identity. She is a regular contributor and consulting editor to MomSense magazine, Connections magazine, and the MOPS blog. A frequent speaker for MOPS, Alexandra has been featured on Good Morning America. As the mother of four young children, she continues to refine her mothering identity. She lives in Denver, Colorado, with her husband, Derek, and their daughters.
Alex is also the author of The Artist’s Daughter: A Memoir, a book full of short, moving episodes that transport readers into her life that included a childhood in Europe, a spiritual conversion marked more by questions than answers, a courtship in the midst of a call to be with troubled teens, marriage and motherhood – and always, always, the question of identity. Through her personal journey, women will discover their own path to understanding the shape of their lives and a deeper sense of God’s intimate presence within it.
Don’t forget. We’re giving away FIVE copies of The Artist’s Daughter! To be entered to win a copy, visit Monday’s post.
Ashley Larkin @ Draw Near says
Dear friend, I love your willingness to sit in the questions and the not knowing (though sometimes that tension can make me feel the need to jump out of my skin). I have wrestled with some of the very same questions and yet, it is indeed a deeper, more mature kind of faith that recognizes this journey is not about having the answers, but trusting the one who holds them — whether or not we will understand this side of heaven. We are so much alike in this: “As much as I’d like to conjure up my worth, I don’t intimidate the Almighty, nor do my doubts.” I am beyond grateful that my worth is not found in performing or knowing or even trusting enough…but is fully found in Him. So happy to see you here two days in a row (and I love “The Artist’s Daughter” — the book and the daughter)!
Alexandra Kuykendall says
You are a gift to me. Thanks for the words. It’s true we are alike in many ways.
Krista says
I just love Ashley’s response to this and I give a huge AMEN. Such true words beautifully crafted. I especially love this part: “Faith is believing when you don’t have all the answers. Because in all of this questioning, the truth stands out so boldly.” I find it is when I don’t have the answers that I go seeking, and there I find God, who is bigger than the unknown. Such assurance. Love this and love you even more, A.K.! XOXO
alice says
Oh yes..at 63 I can say I have little understanding of the “why” but more faith because He has been faithful and brought me through it all with His perfect love…
Heidi Fuller says
Thank you, Alexandra. I’m also learning to live into this life… to lean back on the promises with less fear of falling… and knowing that even if I do…. even *when* I do (because I do so often)… he’s turning that plummeting momentum in new directions of growth. I’ve learned that the *best* part of any relationship is learning to *really* know and understand the “other”…. and while I know that I will never truly understand God… knowing that he truly understands me is…. revolutionary. And “why” matters less and less… and the more times I tell my three year old that “because” is a good enough answer when he knows that I love him, the more I realize that God’s love is enough.
Thanks!
Heidi
http://www.thewordspoken.org
Lindsey Bell says
I read your book this past summer and loved the beautiful honesty of your story. Thank you for sharing!
Alexandra Kuykendall says
Lindsey,
Thank you, for your words here and for taking the time out of your life to read MY story. I’m glad you saw it as honest, I don’t want to be any other way.
Jamie Rohrbaugh says
Beautiful thoughts. My husband and I have been married 7 years and have been trying to have a baby for awhile, but it hasn’t worked out yet. I don’t understand why… but I am learning to just wait on the Lord and trust His timing. And as I grow, I realize more and more that I wouldn’t trade this journey for anything. Precious Papa will perfect those things that concern us. 🙂
Elisa Morgan says
Alexandra is extraordinarily gifted and used by God to encourage me in my ordinary days. Thank you Alex. xxoo!
Alexandra Kuykendall says
You are welcome ;). Seriously, coming from a woman who has shown me that God sees me, all of me and all of the broken places and still can use me for his purposes, is a treasured gift. Nothing has taught me better than your life and leadership that God has had a plan for my life from the very beginning.
Lesley says
I am in the middle of a “why” phase, and your words speak so much truth. I am so thankful that I serve a God who not only deals with my questions and doubts, but He encourages me to walk through them with Him. Yes, there are places in my life that I wish He would just throw down an instruction manual that explained why everything occurs as it does, but I would miss out on just growing with the Father in the midst of everyday life.
Paula McLane Jennings says
what an awesome post! So true and I am going to use those quotes on an art journaling layout soon! They really spoke to me.
Alexandra Kuykendall says
Paula,
Please, I’d love to see our art combined. Is there a way for me to see when you are done?
Beth Williams says
Alexandra,
Love love love your writing. God has blessed you with a poignant way of speaking.
For years I went to church and was involved, but never truly was a day-to-day live it out loud Christian. Just knew it was right thing to do. Now that I am much older and wiser I tend to be more of a “live-it-out loud” Christian. I still have questions: “why do people get dementia and have to linger for so long?” “Why is there so much cancer and sickness in the world?” Why on Earth would anyone want to die for me?
I will have to wait for the other side of Heaven to find the answers.
Alexandra Kuykendall says
That’s all we can do for so much of it right? Wait for the other side of Heaven for the answers.