The ultrasound technician wrapped us in comfort with her warm British accent and her kind words:
“It wasn’t anything you did, dear…this is just nature’s way…”
That evening, I told my friend, Kate, that I was sad and confused…but also okay. Maybe I was in shock, I suggested, or too numb to feel. She told me not to analyze that calm feeling but to just accept it as God’s peace. With her words, I was released to lean into that peace – into a God who was good, I knew.
Over the next few days I tried to sort out my theology. I thought, This was meant to be, but the phrase surely didn’t sit well in my heart. I tried, The timing wasn’t right, but I knew the timing had been perfect. Our firstborn son, Isaac, was almost three. The time it took for us to become pregnant with our second seemed very long. Surely the Lord wouldn’t give us something we had prayed for, then change His mind or decide it wasn’t the right time.
The Lord brought comfort to my mind while I was reading a book one morning. I realized, sickness is not from God, death is not from God. This loss wasn’t from God. He didn’t author it for our family.
With that treasure placed in my heart, I leaned into Him more… into His rest, even released from asking “why.”
And my hope grew. If this loss wasn’t from God, if indeed it was actually carried to the cross with Jesus, buried, and resurrected, then this loss could be redeemed… somehow. I don’t fully understand my hope but I know it’s a key the Lord has given me. It’s a promise to hold onto tightly when I’m afraid… when I start thinking, Well, if this could happen, surely many other bad things could happen, too. There is something about the blood of Jesus poured out for healing, in the face of death, which I must hold onto. In this truth, He will overcome… somehow.
After the ultrasound, after we saw there was no heartbeat and the baby had died, we waited for my body to miscarry “naturally.” When I miscarried, there was nothing natural about it. The contractions came in waves under my belly, just like when Isaac was born. I remembered, with Isaac, being empowered by those waves of pain that birthed life. I grieved as the familiar contractions birthed only death.
And still I know this loss was not from God; surely He must bring a victory.
In this ending, I’m hoping forward into life.
By Maryann, dailyparable
Photo courtesy of Mystic-Eyes
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