I’m riding out the storm in my car.
My husband and I fought, and the fear hounds fierce, so I take keys with trembling lips, my eyes a dam ready to blow. No one warned us marriage could be this hard, this quick – a nonstop flight from wedding fiesta to furnace, no layover in honeymoon bliss. On my way to the door, he catches me, looks me in the eyes, says he loves me so much even though the anger’s hot. But I drop my gaze, mumble a weak “I love you, too.” I can’t flee fast enough.
One mile down the road, I pull into the park’s lot, far from the one car that remains. The engine dies and I howl with the wind bending trees outside my door. Fingers on the phone, I wonder who to call in this state of hysteria. And I am hysterical. Better not inflict this on anyone. Better not call someone who needs an explanation, when I don’t really know myself. I drop the phone and my head against the steering wheel. The only one I know to call is my Dad. He’s the only one who will understand.
It’s Father’s Day, and my dad’s nearly four years dead. But I know another Dad who will answer.
I rifle through CDs, desperate to find the one I need. It’s all scratched up in a homemade paper envelope, but I think it’s the one. I slip it in and wait. The music of the first song slices the aching silence that holds my wailing, and I know my Dad has answered the call.
One thing I know that I have found
Through all the troubles that surround
You are the Rock that never fails
You never failOne thing I know that I believe
Through every blessing I receive
You are the only One that stays, You always stayYou never change, You’re still the same
You are the Everlasting God
You will remain after the day is gone and things of earth have passed
Everlasting God
I’m here an hour and a half, reclining in my seat, weeping and singing, praying and resting. I watch the wind whip the trees, the light slowly fading as day prepares its bed. A familiar peace seeps into my heart, a voice on the wind whispering, Be still, child. I am here. Tense muscles and swollen eyes relax into invisible arms. I am not alone here. Not anywhere.
He comforts me through song,through wind, through silence. There’s no other place I want to be; I am as an infant soothed in his arms. And finally I know, that he’s got us in his hands – both of us – as he has the whole world. I’m crying now for love, for the Father who loves me fierce and steady and true. I love him because he loved me first. I love him because he’ll never leave. I love him because, no matter how bad it gets, this world is not all there is. He has not left us as orphans.
Words from long ago resound in my heart, bringing the night full circle: “And they will call him ‘Immanuel,’ which means ‘God is with us’ (Matthew 1:23)… And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).
Yes, he is all these things – and infinitely more – in less than two hours. I can return home.
I step inside the door, my husband rises from his seat and opens his arms, and we embrace in messy love.
Thank you, Dad.
By Amber Cadenas, Beautiful Rubbish
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Amber, this is so beautifullly powerful. I love your words and your testimony of God’s love through and in the difficulties of marriage. You are wise. You are wise indeed to lean into the loving arms of your heavenly Father. Great meeting you here at incourage. May your marriage be filled with grace, joy, love and peace.
Elizabeth, thank you for your words of encouragement…what a great way to start the day. It is so nice meeting you here at incourage as well – this is a wonderful community. Have a beautiful day!
Names attributed to God:
El Shaddai (Lord God Almighty)
El Elyon (The Most High God)
Adonai (Lord, Master)
Yahweh (Lord, Jehovah)
Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner)
Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepherd)
Jehovah Rapha (The Lord That Heals)
Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There)
Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness)
Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You)
El Olam (The Everlasting God)
Elohim (God)
Qanna (Jealous)
Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide)
Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace)
Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord of Hosts)
As I read through these names attributed to God in the Old Testament, I smile because of Jesus I can call Him FATHER! Allelujah for the Grace message!
Dorothy, that’s beautiful. I love being reminded of the many names of God, especially because, as you said, how incredible is it that we can call him Father? I have a hunch that’s his favorite name. Another one of my favorites is El Roi – The God who sees me. Be blessed!
My dad’s been gone almost 20 years and there are still moments where the ache to talk to him, share with him and feel his love feels just like it did the first year. If it weren’t for my heavenly Father I would still be lost and broken. I was loved by my earthly father while he was here, but I’ve been loved by my heavenly one since he beginning of time. Thank you for the reminder that God is the perfect father. He fills the void as only He can. He doesn’t numb the pain He guides us out it, heals us despite of it and loves us through it.
Yes! You’re so right. God IS the perfect father, even when we ache for the presence of our physical dads. I love what you shared, Daphne, and am so thankful with you that our heavenly Dad guides us through pain, heals us and loves us.
Thank you, Amber, for sharing your heart and the wonder of the fact that He never fails us, never leaves us, always loves us! This brought tears to my eyes – Your words really touched me, and lifted me! You have a gift; thank you for writing!! Beautiful!
Maria, it makes my heart happy to hear that these words touched and lifted you. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to leave your thoughts here 🙂 Be filled with the wonder of his love and faithful presence…
Wow. In college, I spent a lot of nights crying in my car, while praying and listening to worship music. He proved His faithfulness every single time. I have yet to forget those moments!
Yeah, it’s funny, isn’t it – the car is kind of a sacred place 🙂 I have wiped down my steering wheel numerous times! God always, always delivers in these moments, and it’s good to have these memories…
I loved this, Amber!
Oh what joy that we can collapse into our Abba’s arms ~ our Daddy forever…loving, caring, adoring us wherever we are at!
It is joy, indeed, Elizabeth – none that compares! Thank you for saying hi 🙂
Amber,
Thank you soo much for your open honesty! Music is soo soothing and comforting–especially the praise and worship. I love to sit & listen & sometimes cry out to Him!
Great post!
I agree, I’m so thankful for the gift of worship music! That’s awesome how God uses it to soothe and comfort you, too 🙂 So lovely of you to take the time to leave your thoughts here – thank you!
Way to go, Amber! I’m proud of you, my dear friend! <3
Awww, Leah, love you, friend!
Amber, thank you for writing. I had a very similar experience this past weekend with my significant other. It feels great that as women we are not alone in the experience and we are definitely not alone with God. Bless you!
Hope, thanks for your words. That’s really what pushes me to be courageous in writing honest things – to share the experience with others, like yourself, so we all don’t feel alone – and it makes the vulnerability worth it. Blessings on you and your significant other as you grow through these experiences together!
I just want to say “ditto” to everyone’s comments! This is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing this & reminding me that even though my dad is gone, my heavenly Father is always with me.
Kirstin, so sorry to hear you’re without your dad, too. So deeply thankful that we have our heavenly Dad, always, like you said, who wraps us in his arms no matter how old we get. It doesn’t take the pain away, but knowing and experiencing this is a huge comfort. Thank you for saying hi 🙂
Yes! God definitely speaks to us through music…..I hope to always remember that! Possibly I need to go to him more in that way too. I can relate to ur need to call someone when so upset and then not wanting to burden or worry another! We are truly lucky when we remember there are others who really care, but sometimes we are wiser when we run to Him! Blessed post, thank you!
Thanks Eden! I know, I have such a hard time calling people when I’m upset… or really, knowing WHEN is the best time to reach out to someone and WHEN I need to just run to the Father. I am blessed when God comforts me through another person, but there is something so sweet, so special to me, when I let him be the one to comfort me, all on his own. I think I did that earlier on in life because it was my MO not to run to people, to just bottle things up and keep them to myself and not “burden” anyone with my problems (a tough mindset to change!). Thankfully, over time and through different experiences, I’ve been choosing to run to God first not because I’m hiding from people, but because he’s the only one whose comfort really satisfies and who understands the whole story. After I run to him, though, it’s a gift if I can share my heart with someone I trust. I guess it depends on the situation?
Anyone else struggle with that tension?
LOVE this!!! Yes we all need a dad!!
Yes, we do! 😀
Beautiful! I lost my dad [&mom] at the age 27….. 22 years ago. I miss them…..I still need a “daddy” 🙂 So glad that our All mighty, loving Daddy is always there and understands our pain….and celebrates our joys!
Bless you in the work you do….write away!!
Rhonda, so glad to hear from you. My mom tells me she still misses her mom after 25 years… it’s not hard for me to imagine this never goes away. I honestly don’t know how people without our Abba Father do it! He is EVERYTHING. Thank you and blessings to you, too!
It’s good to know that somebody else drives to a lonely place to scream and wail at God and self because nobody else should listen. My dad would have listened, rubbed my back to calm me, then told me a corny joke. Often I wish he were there. Thanks for reminding me that He is. I’ve got to try the music thing next time…….
You are definitely not alone in that, Lynette. Yikes, I’ve done it often enough in my years. Your dad sounds similar to mine in response, which makes me smile. Do try the music thing… there are honestly few things that can soothe me and lift me out of heaviness the way music can. Especially music that reminds me of the faithfulness of God.
What a beautiful description of the not-beautiful parts of marriage. I understand those moments, those feelings so well. But I have to confess that my response in that moment has not always (or often) been to seek my Father. Thank you for this description of the right way to handle a storm. I needed this reminder.
Thank you, Mary. This has not always been my response, either, but the more it is, the more I learn my Father really is the best comfort. So thankful he is so comfortable with my messiness!
Simply beautiful!
Praise God! 🙂
I don’t know…maybe we really wouldn’t get married if we knew how hard it would be? I guess it’s just like life, full of ups and downs. But you got through this bump and yes, love is so messy. I’m married now almost 28 years…lots of living, lots of laughs, lots of tears. And yes, worth it. Thank God for grace! Your writing is beautiful…startling!
Yeah, I think you’re right about that 🙂 And ditto on the gratitude for God’s grace! Where in the WORLD would I be without it? I don’t even want to know. Thank you for the testimony of your marriage – that’s beautiful and good to hear. I am learning to be thankful for the beautiful messiness of marriage, as well as the laughter and sweet times. They’re all grace.
Through dearly a dozen years of marriage, I’m finally beginning to accept those seemingly awful moments of raging anger and rip roaring fits between my groom to be grace…because of how He always uses them to draw me to Him. I think it happens most when I put our marriage or my groom on a pedestal and fall short of my needing Him. He humbles me, but mostly He shows me His gentle love. To go back to my groom and allow him to love me is always the most difficult part…like receiving God’s forgiveness for me and how I struggle to forgive myself…it’s all grace. And your telling of it is so important–for all of us–to remember that the imperfect days are allowed for purpose.
Rich blessings as He leads you closer to His heart through your marriage, sweet Amber.
Wow, thank you for sharing, Amy. How amazing how powerful it is to realize AND accept that all of life – even these “seemingly awful moments” – is grace. Thank you for your blessings on us – we receive them! – and the same for you, too. God makes everything beautiful…
Just beautiful– the story and the writing. I tried to comment on your blog as well, but it wouldn’t let me. I was chuckling along with you about how you have to balance your writing instinct while being careful to guard your husband’s privacy. I don’t think we writers have the same filter settings as other people. I’ve had to edit or delete a few pieces in my time. 😉
Ahhh, Darcy, you get it, yes… poor husbands ;-D I think you’re right, we writers DON’T have the same filter settings as others! Sorry my blog was challenging in the comment dept – that’s great feedback, actually, because I’ve had this same problem on other peoples’ blogs myself. Just need to figure out what to do about it! Thank you for reading in both places – I’m truly honored. Blessings to you in your writing journey!
This is so powerful…. Your real, raw, heart, exposed so that God’s beauty can be displayed in the midst of all the messiness. He is so faithful to glorify Himself when we let Him into these places… Praying continued grace over your precious marriage! 🙂
Dana
Thank you, Dana… it feels really vulnerable sometimes to share such messiness, but soooo fulfilling and deeply humbling when it can display the beauty of God and his incredible heart. Thank you for the reminder and encouragement to keep doing this 🙂 Blessings of his grace poured over you in your life, too!!!
Well, that was needed. Thank you! It seems that I am not around Christians who are willing to share the rough, nitty-gritty of life and marriage. Moving around often doesn’t help that. Thank you for sharing this-it was good to read now.
Oh girl, I’m probably more nit and grit than (most of) my Christian friends know what to do with sometimes, but in my experience, much of life – and marriage – is more nit and grit than romance and bliss, so why not be honest about it? So Lord, I pray right now for Katie, that you would place friends in this season of her life that she can trust to be real with, and them with her, to encourage each other in their journeys. Thank you for being the kind of God and Father that embraces us in our weakness and struggles, fills us with courage and hope, and loves us radically. Amen 🙂 Thanks for being here, Katie.