For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
On May 14, 2010 my baby, Charlotte, died shortly after birth. A few hours after she died my husband and I left the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts.
I let friends and family know Charlotte was gone via social networks, it was too difficult to call and tell them our baby died unexpectedly.
I wrote that she was with Jesus, safe in the beauty of heaven for reasons unknown, but hopefully in time we would know why she couldn’t stay with us.
As the days without her became weeks and then months the medical files and reports rolled in.
A steady tide of questions with no answers buried beneath the waves. On the death certificate, on the autopsy report and on the insurance reports the most devastating moment of our lives was reduced to one line: neonatal death, cause unknown.
I wanted to know why she died, what I did wrong, where I messed up.
My faith in God went from true, steadfast, and trusting to confused, wary, and hurt.
I continued attending church off and on, my attendance far from regular.
I didn’t turn away from God, but I set him aside, stepped around our relationship gingerly, uncertain of the Father who promised to love me, set my path, and keep me safe. (Jeremiah 29:11).
On September 9, 2011 my son, Bennett, was born healthy and safe after a long, stressful pregnancy. Carrying a second child changed my faith perspective. I slowly began shifting closer to God with small shuffling footsteps.
Prayer sustained me and gave me hope at the end of my pregnancy. On the mornings I was too scared to get out of bed I prayed for strength to make it through one more day.
And when I went into labor I prayed for courage, peace, hope and joy. I wanted to be excited to meet my baby. I didn’t want to dread his birth day. I thought the fear would lead me to beg for a c-section, but the Lord gave me strength to birth naturally like I wanted to.
Since Bennett’s birth my faith has increased tenfold. I realized I don’t have to understand why Charlotte died.
God has a plan, He is in control, and it’s okay for me to relinquish my need to know why she died. I can accept the uncertainties and unknowns, and the fact that we have not been provided with concrete reasons, with the understanding that God’s plan will be revealed someday.
I need to trust and respect the answer I’ve been given, even though it’s not the one I would like.
I can speculate all I like. Maybe God wanted me to long for heaven. If so, that has certainly been accomplished! I can’t wait to be reunited with my Charlotte. Maybe He wanted me to rely solely on Him.
Maybe I needed to be broken so I would seek Him.
Whatever the reason, the answer is in heaven. I don’t have to search for it on Earth anymore.
I can be content in the knowledge that Charlotte is safe with Jesus and I will hold her again.
By, Angela Rodman, Little BirdLeave a Comment