Cold Coffee

Our coffee had been cold for 2 hours, and despite the fact that the waiter was ready for us to leave, we kept talking.

And talking.

I missed the appointment I had scheduled for after the breakfast, and we went straight through lunch in the same chairs.

The entire time I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to say. What in the world was I supposed to say?

I didn’t know her well enough to say anything definitive or gripping. In fact, I felt like I was just supposed to be a listener.Even as she went through the details, I found myself thinking the same thing she had been thinking only a few weeks ago.

This could never happen to me.

It had started as a business relationship, and ended with his clothes thrown on the front lawn. And what we were dealing with at that moment was the question of “what next?”

I didn’t have the answer.

I teared up a few times, and I leaned across the table to let her know I was listening. Really listening. And I was. But I was also thinking.

If this happened to her, why not me?

My marriage has not been perfect. Far from it, honestly. I don’t talk about our fights publicly, and I don’t blog about things that I believe are private. For me, there is great good that can come of someone’s hurt, but it doesn’t always happen during the hurt. When Todd and I have had hard times (and we have had plenty), I didn’t write about it, in fact, I stopped writing. It’s not what everyone would choose in that situation, and there isn’t a right or wrong. But it didn’t feel like something that was enough in retrospect for me to speak to. I was in the middle of it. Are Todd and I separating? Absolutely not. Not ever. I love this man with everything I have to love. But good gracious, we are a mess sometimes.

And today, as I sat with a friend, I realized that it was more than a conversation. It was an awakening. My marriage is not perfect. There are days where it’s not even great. And others where it’s downright atrocious.

As I looked into eyes of hurt this morning, while patrons hustled in and out of the diner, I was spellbound by the circumstances of this story, and how eerily it mirrored mine. It was a phone conversation that led to an argument. It was dinner gone cold while she waited for him. It was one mis-interpreted, mis-construed, misunderstood comment after another, and it had turned into this. And who am I to think that it would never happen to me?

Let me clarify before the rumor mills start churning. I would tell you with absolute sincerity that Todd would chop off a limb before he would have an affair. Truthfully, it is nothing that I think about. I’ve never, never, never worried about it.

That wasn’t what I was hearing from her though, and it rocked me deeply.

What am I cultivating? My marriage, or my platform?
My children, or my blog?
My home, or my credentials?
My heart, or my God’s?

I’m not really wrapped up in any of those things. I am a really inconsistent blogger, I am still not very fond of speaking, and the whole “being in the public eye” is more torture than ego. Truth. Absolute truth.

But sometimes my calendar says different.

It isn’t about an affair specifically, and I’m certainly not putting blame on her for her husband’s decisions (please don’t even think that for a second, because it is completely untrue). I just want to feel like my priorities are right. I want to believe I’m putting the weight of my life where God most desires it. I don’t want to neglect what’s important because there was something else that demanded my attention.

I don’t want to run after something and then realize I was missing the entire race.

So let’s pull back the lens a little bit and realize that our time is short and our decisions have eternal weight. Where are the places in your life that you have chosen you over Him? It isn’t too late.

It’s never too late.

Make this day an offering, and consider this an extension of our welcome to use this place as an altar. Don’t feel pressure to write any details or even leave a comment. But know that I am praying for you, you sweet friends who visit us here. We all walk long roads. We all wish we could start over sometimes. We all need to be told it isn’t too late to make it beautiful.

As a reminder, this is a place where we love each other furiously, and with the grace that the Lord gives us. And on many, many occasions, we are honored to let our coffee go cold for the sake of loving you.

Prayers today, from me to you…

{In the event that infidelity has been part of your story, I would love to introduce you to my dear friend Trish and her husband Justin. They have a ministry called Refine Us that I pray is a blessing to you.}

By Angie Smith

{Photo Credit: Dawn Camp}