At the start of 2011 I was hopeful and happy. I knew God had been telling me all sorts of things and I was eager to get moving. I’m not one to make grandiose resolutions with the New Year but last year s I did make a New Year’s Pronouncement.
I made a this-is-the-way-things-are-gonna-turn-out statement.
I know. I’m gutsy for doing that. Maybe even a little stupid. Actually, who am I kidding? It was courage and idiocy combined to make daring audacity.
I began saying it to my husband first. Then to a few friends. And then anyone who I happened to have a conversation with that went deeper than how to make the best tasting green smoothie.
I said this: My life, at the end of 2011, will look drastically different than it does at the beginning of 2011. In essence, the next 12 months will be pivotal, important and turning-point months in my life.
And I said it over and over again. I’m convinced now that sometimes just speaking something has the power to make it happen.
I spoke my Pronouncement with hope and optimism. I said it with this here-I-come confidence that I hadn’t really felt for a long time. I pronounced it with an attitude that whatever was on the horizon was better than what I was currently standing in.
And then it happened. My life did change. Last month when I began to take stock of the past year, like one often does around the end of things, I realized that it does look drastically different than it did last January, but not at all in the way that I’d foreseen. I was hoping for things to be good, for things to be happier and somehow better.
But that isn’t what happened.
In 2011 I suffered from depression. My marriage needed some serious first aid. And to put a cherry on it, last year I lost a whole collection of friendships for reasons that I still don’t understand.
“Why is she doing this to me?” I lamented sometime in October to my husband.
“I don’t know honey. I really don’t know.” And then “By the way, have you talked to _____ lately?”
“No. Not in months. She’s not returning my emails or texts.”
Insert more whines here. I was whining regularly to my “safe” people as much as a four-year-old at the end of a long day at Disneyland.
I began to realize that yes, my life DID look drastically different than it had in January. Instead of being “better,” I’d lost most of my friends. And I grieved.
But this is what happened: standing at the ocean, in front of a sea of waves, the water retreats to leave treasures at the bottom. Shells, sea glass, and driftwood that weren’t visible before are now there shining brilliant and perfect.
At the same I was losing friendships, I was gaining different ones. I was intensely renewing relationships with some old, good friends that haven’t been close in a long time. The water retreated with much misery, but revealed a seabed of beauty and treasures I’d been unwilling to see before.
It took a good, hard year to allow me to see what was really very important and to reevaluate the benefits of the “drastic change” that actually did happen. Bad isn’t always bad. And loss isn’t always true loss. And sometimes what I think is good and what I need is exactly what I don’t.
My New Year’s Pronouncement for 2012? To find JOY in the journey this year even it involves loss. To race to find the treasures beneath the waves this year before they find their way to me. And to allow the year and God to do with me what they will without fighting against them.
What is your New Year’s Pronouncement for 2012? What is different about this year than last? What, if anything, have you learned about loss? How will you find the treasures this year?
By Sarah Markley who is actively working to find the treasure in today.Leave a Comment