We had a barbecue last weekend on the huge grassy knoll at the University of Edinburgh. University students love free food, so we think it is fun to feed them and talk about Jesus. Hamburgers. Hot dogs. Cheese. We had all the things you’d expect to see at an American barbecue… except baked beans. [Um, did you know that Scottish folk eat baked beans for breakfast? Ick.]
The BBQ Master, John, needed to leave a bit early, abandoning his BBQ gear, knives, towel, and apron. I volunteered to bring his things back to my house, wash ’em up, and then return them, unharmed.
Unharmed.
[Can you see where this is going?]
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I’m a good girl. I don’t like to make mistakes. I especially don’t like when my good intentions backfire.
[Can you see where this is going?]
Fast forward: I ripped one of the straps off the apron when I pulled it out of the washer.
I was furious. Absolutely furious with myself.
Because good girls don’t make mistakes and good girls aren’t supposed to screw up ESPECIALLY when the good girl is doing something, well, GOOD.
[I can feel the heat crawling up my neck just writing about it… so obviously we have an issue on our hands.]
Operation “Keep This Mistake A Total Secret And Fix It Quick” began.
I found a little alterations shop in my village and I hurried down there, dropped the apron off, prayed they wouldn’t accidentally make it into a pair of trousers, and planned to pick it up later that afternoon.
Afternoon came and I was about to pass by the shop with my friend Dana. It’s about half a mile from my house, so I had a bit of a conundrum.
I could pass by the shop, never say a word, walk an extra mile, save face and pride, and go back later to get the apron. Or I could stop in and grab the repaired apron.
I’m in my second read of Emily P. Freeman’s Grace for the Good Girl, and I thought, “Emily would tell me to stop and confess and pick up the apron.” To accept the grace for this good girl’s mistake.
We stopped and picked up the apron.
It cost me £2. TWO. POUNDS. That’s it. Such a cheap mistake. But man, it weighed heavy on my heart.
I told Dana the whole story and she said, “I get it. But it’s no big deal.”
We walked quietly for a few blocks.
Then I looked over to Dana and said, “I think that as long as I am perfect, I deserve to be loved. If I make a mistake, and people know, then they get to choose whether the love me or not. I don’t want to give them that choice.”
And my own depravity made me cry.
It’s a mistake that only cost £2 to fix, but I think it’s gonna take a bigger investment of time to fix my good girl ways.
I’m still working it out.
by Annie Downs // AnnieBlogs
Leave a Comment
Kim says
“I don’t want to give them that choice.”
That strikes at my heart. I like to think that other people’s opinions of me don’t matter, but when I dig deep, I recognize that is not true.
Why is it that we are so fixated on living flawlessly when we know it isn’t remotely possible? As you note, it causes such pain, mostly to us.
Thanks for your words today-they touched my heart.
Annie Downs says
I wish I didn’t care what others thought. I’m working on it… the first step is recognizing you have a problem, right?
Thanks for the comment, Kim.
Diane N says
Love your realness. May God bless your honesty and walk with you as you work out your ‘good girl syndromes.
Annie Downs says
Thanks, Diane. 🙂
~VA~ says
Oh Annie, I can’t speak for everyone else, but I’ll still love you no matter how many mistakes you make…unless you accidentally killed me because I’m not sure how loving dead people can be….seriously though I kinda struggle with the same thing…like what if now that they know (fill-in-the-blank) they’re only pretending to like me…what if they just feel like it’s their civic duty to act like my friend…thoughts that may be crazy but run through my head constantly…which come to think about it may be why I struggle so much with assertiveness–I don’t want people to pretend things are ok for me so I don’t ask them about my needs….
Annie Downs says
Thanks, girl. 🙂
It’s all about believing truth in our heads, huh?
brie. says
isn’t it funny the little things that are used to cheapen his grace, and everyone else’s grace? i get it – the wanting to seem perfect – the not wanting to appear wrong. but it’s a hard thing to learn – isn’t it? thanks for sharing your heart!
Annie Downs says
Good word, Brie. Thank you.
Amy Hunt says
I never quite realized that I struggle with the same thing. Your own heart sharing gives me perspective that gives me hope in the possibility of freedom from that vice grip fear holds on me. I haven’t read Emily’s book yet, but I am reading the Bloom book on fear and realizing there are so many I haven’t identified as such, but rather have just equated to “who I am…and how I need to change.” This grace for myself is such a life transforming choice to receive, isn’t it?!
By the way, I knew it was you as I began to read your post, Annie! It’s comforting to have a sense of your voice. [smile]
Rich blessings in your own personal journey toward really trusting in the letting go and surrendering into Grace, for yourself.
Annie Downs says
You should definitely read Em’s book. But Angie’s is amazing too. So you’re getting to read one awesome work after another. 🙂
And knowing my voice is one of the kindest compliments ever. Thank you.
Amy Hunt says
I plan to read Emily’s book…soon!
Becky says
I’d never realised how much that attitude rules me: “Good girls don’t make mistakes and good girls aren’t supposed to screw up ESPECIALLY when the good girl is doing something, well, GOOD”. It’s so, so true. Definitely something I need to address.
And btw, a tip from Wales, baked beans for breakfast is British not just Scottish. :0) Isn’t it interesting how different cultures use different foods!!
Annie Downs says
Becky, I wish I was going to have a chance to visit Wales. It sounds like such a lovely part of the UK. Forgive my mistake- you’re right, everyone in the UK eats weird. 🙂 KIDDING!
Marianne Aanderbakk says
I don’t think there are only British and Scottish people eating baked beans for breakfast because I have had it served to me by Americans too 😉
Rochelle says
Oh man, can I ever relate!! Thank you for sharing your heart openly here, you are NOT alone! How true it is that we want to be perfect and loved, not showing mistakes or our own depravity. How much more that makes us cling to our perfect Savior and his loving grace poured out on us totally imperfect, sinful people! Thanks again Annie for sharing. You are loved!!! 🙂
Annie Downs says
Thanks, Rochelle! 🙂
I love that (in)courage gives us the ability to talk about our REAL selves, even when it isn’t so pretty. 🙂
wanda says
Oh friend. That’s way too much pressure to put on yourself OVER AN ACCIDENT!
God always knows our intentions. People may not but He does. Surely your dear friend would agree—-it was just an accident.
You would never destroy his property with malice.
Praying for your sweet heart.
And BOO to satan who drags us around (when we’re vulnerable) to stress out regarding being GOOD ENOUGH!!
I speak from experience. 😉
Annie Downs says
I know I know I know. Trust me, the whole time it was going on, I was also reminding myself that I AM TEN SHADES OF LOONEY. 🙂 Accidents happen and it was so not a big deal. It just revealed some bigger deals going on in my heart, didn’t it?
A work in progress, that’s me. 🙂
Beth says
Thanks for this post. Reminds me of some comments one of our Pastors made during a sermon on God’s grace. If we’re nice enough, sweet enough, good enough, perfect enough, people have to love us. He called it “manipulation by goodness”. It is a form of manipulation. We aren’t being genuine, we aren’t being transparent, we’re behaving in such a way as to make people do what we need/want them to do instead of trusting God and resting in Him. It’s a hard one to deal with, but there it is. I’ve been struggling with this lately and needed the reminder. Thanks again!
Annie Downs says
Whooooooooa.
That’s a good word. I’m gonna have a think on that for a few days.
Thank you for sharing, Beth!
Heather Novak says
Oh Annie! If you would like to feel better about yourself, I JUST posted about my failures this morning! How funny to read this the same day. Isn’t ol Padnah GRAND. I am so grateful. Thanks for sharing fearlessly, or despite the fear.
Joshua 1:9 is a good one.
Annie Downs says
Loving that verse today, Heather. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Leslee says
I totally feel the same way. I think if I make a mistake and people can see that I am flawed they won’t love me. Thanks for this honest post that rings true for so many women. But if it is true for so many of us why do we feel we are so alone in this? I am so performance driven and am really trying to realize that my worth in God is not dependent on my performance for God.
Annie Downs says
Right? RIGHT? You have such a great point. So many of us think these things and yet we fight the lies alone.
I’ve had a “works mentality” as long as I can remember, but it’s only been within the last few years that I’ve learned to see it and fight it.
Albeit, sometimes better than others. 🙂
Annie Downs says
Some times. Not sometimes.
Sheesh.
Karen says
Sadly, I think I am even more of a “good girl” because I was thinking how you’d have stopped and picked up the apron proudly, getting even more points for having fixed it! I’ve found a little deeper hole in my own depravity. Sigh.
Annie Downs says
Humanity hits us at every turn, doesn’t it?
Have you read Emily’s book yet? You’ll enjoy it, I think. It’s really impacted me.
Rebecca says
Annie,
I love you words, “And my own depravity made me cry”. How many times have I felt that way too? Our ideas about expectations can be so skewed; we expect perfection from ourselves, yet are willing to accept and love others despite their mistakes. I was actually thinking about this last night. It’s a hard road to walk when you feel like receiving love depends on your perfection. I know…I’m on that road.
Rebecca says
The “good girl” in me is upset about a typing mistake in my last post! Correction…I love YOUR words. Oops.
Elizabeth Esther says
I hear you and I’ve often had similar thoughts. I guess I don’t understand why your “depravity” made you cry? To me, this is you becoming more self-aware and recognizing patterns of thinking and behavior that kept you from living openly and with trust. I don’t see how this was your “depravity.” That still sounds like you’re being too hard on yourself! 🙂
Annie Downs says
Elizabeth, thanks for your comment!
I think, in that moment, it was the first time that I had ever realized that statement was true about me- how I avoid failure because I want to be sure I am earning everyone’s love. So that’s why it was so hard.
But yes- in the same breath, you are right. Every revelation like that is meant to bring LIFE, not death. It’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance, isn’t it?
Great point. Thanks for sharing. You are changing my outlook on things today.
Shana says
“I think that as long as I am perfect, I deserve to be loved. If I make a mistake, and people know, then they get to choose whether the love me or not. I don’t want to give them that choice.”
Wow ripped that right out of my subconscious. A true a ha moment for me. Thanks for sharing.
Annie Downs says
Me too, Shana. When I said that, I was like, “ooooooooohhhhh”. You know what I mean? It shocked me.
Shana says
It is shocking when we realize how “wrong” our thinking is. What would we say to our bff if they said that to us!!! 🙂 Read your blog. I <3 u!
Frances says
Wow. Yep. One of the things from her book (I am almost finished with my first time reading it, but I know it will need to be picked up again, and again) that has prodded at me is… do I train people around me to believe that I have no needs, make no mistakes, and am perfect? Oof…
So, thumbs up and an encouraging smile to you for accepting the grace. 🙂
Annie Downs says
Thanks, Frances!
Yes- that part of the book totally stuck out to me too. And I’m looking around my life to see if that is true. Does anyone in my world think I have needs?
That Emily. She’ll get ya. 🙂
Kate says
I keep hearing about Emily’s book! (I guess that means I need to read it, huh?) What a huge encouragement to be reminded that EVERYONE makes mistakes and that His grace is for EVERYONE – even a girl who would like everyone to think she has it “all together.”
LolaGirl says
This good girl has a broken cookie cutter from 2 years ago stashed in her sewing basket. Which just makes a good girl a liar. Hmm. How did that happen? So need to read Emily’s book. Thanks for sharing Annie!
Z says
It really gripped my heart when you stated that you don’t want to give them that choice. Sigh. So true. I think many of us feel this way without really acknowledging it. And I would cry too.
heidi says
Oh Annie,
Screwing up occasionally makes you relate-able, if you never messed up or made mistake, how would we be able to know you or love you, or see the beauty of our own imperfections reflected to us? Your little trip ups allow us to love and accept our own – they are a gift. Go easy on yourself x x x
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Annie, I have the same false belief. “If I’m perfect, they will love me.” And man, is it hard to break out of that rut! I love how you walked us through your journey here. Thank you for sharing!!
Maureen@Loving This Life says
Annie, I am right there with you girl! Praying that we both receive breakthrough in this area…and receive the fullness of Christ’s love that covers all our mistakes and yet still goes on loving us.
Grace.
SarahJane says
Wow, I definitely just realized anew last night that this is where I was at. I feel so crushed every time God brings up for me how much effort I put into earning the love of others because I want to think I’m past it. I want to think that I’ve moved on and am living in freedom. But I’m not. And in a weird way, it’s encouraging to hear that someone else might be in the same boat as me. Thank you for being so transparent, Annie. You have touched my heart where it needed it tonight.
Tori says
The thing is–the real, hard, ugly truth–that having to have acceptance from others and not resting in the finished work of Christ is sin. It is wicked for me to put more hope (any hope) in what other people think of me than what God thinks of me because it shows that I don’t think of Him as the most important thing in my life and I’m not making Him and His grace look beautiful to others. I struggle with it all the time, for sure, but because I am IN CHRIST I have FREEDOM in Him. Because of that, I can mess up and even if it causes me to disappoint someone, I can accept it, ask for forgiveness, and continue resting in the fact that God IS pleased with me because when He looks at me, He sees Christ’s righteousness on me. That is the sweetest promise in which we can rest. God no longer sees my sin, my failures, and my frail frame. He sees Christ!
Sharlene says
Wow, you are speaking my language. The sad thing is no matter how ‘perfect’ we are, people can still choose to not love us or too reject us, or see fault even if there is none. It’s a losing battle this one isn’t it? Yet still we unconsciously live it out.
Thanks so much for your honesty. May God continue to work this through in you… And me 🙂
Maxine says
I couldve probably written this myself. I remove or attempt to remove everything that could possibly make someone reject me – if Im perfect and you reject me, what does that make you?? I dont have the problem YOU do!
Oh mercy, the hell Ive put myself and others through for years with my “good girl” conditioning.
Fortunately for us – Jesus has a cure for that! Thank you for sharing this blog, and being so honest, it was like a cool glass of water to this parched soul.
Ann Voskamp says
Annie?
This — it choked me right up, sister: ““I think that as long as I am perfect, I deserve to be loved. If I make a mistake, and people know, then they get to choose whether the love me or not. I don’t want to give them that choice.”
I am so with you, friend.
So with you.
I send much love…
Sarah Durham says
Annie,
Isn’t that what we all want?? To be loved! But it dawned on me one day that honestly, if we are perfect in others eyes, then we sort of become idolized. Then of course there is nowhere to go in their eyes but down! All idols fall at some point. So it released me from that fear that I had to be perfect… sort of. 🙂 I too struggle with this; but I have been learning that we have to be brought to the point of brokenness in order to repent of our lack of trust in the love of the One who loves us the most… because that’s really what it is. Do we REALLY trust Him to love us? Isn’t that all we should be concerned with?
Check out this blog post.
http://theconfidentartist.blogspot.com/2011/10/dancing.html
He dances in joy over you. He delights in you. He was willing to suffer and die because He loves you so… and He wants you to dance with Him. Really. 🙂
Blessings!