For months, a post percolated at my keyboard.
Night after night, I’d ponder its context, attempting to formulate the deep seeded emotions in my mind. Draft after draft written and trashed. I scratched at my heart of loneliness, attempting to dig into this extrovert’s new battle with an unknown territory.
My loneliness crept subtly, attacking in varying forms, and I was unprepared for the slew of feelings it brought with it. As an introspective person, I asked the hard questions of why this uncharted emotion became more prevalent during the past few months.
Are hormones in play? (Yes, as women, a very real possibility.) Have I emotionally isolated myself due to over commitment? Is it a situational factor? Am I turning to individuals to fill my emotional tank rather than meditating on God’s promises?
As I narrowed down key influencers, what startled me were the overwhelming fingers that point towards the blogosphere.
Spending portions of time on-line each day opens up a mind field for Satan’s attacks, and unless I ward those off immediately, it’s a slippery slope of sinful thinking that permeates my thoughts. The trap of comparison, knowing I’m “missing out” when others are together, not quite measuring up, and wondering why I can’t balance my time management skills like others were just a few missiles I countered on a regular basis. Even though I have met some of my closest friends on-line, I determined the need to stop reading other blogs for a season because those areas attacking closest hit through on-line venues, not in real life.
Honestly, I can be surrounded by an amazing group of dreamers – (in)courage writers who inspire me regularly to dream big dreams for the Lord, yet still wrestle with those feelings in an even more pronounced manner. How is it possible to be in a large group and still feel lonely?
In those moments, I turn my eyes to the Savior, reminding myself of how He sees me; collectively gathering His arms to hold me tight. I dig deeper – desiring, yearning, crying out to know Him more. To learn through this period, and to love more fully.
My original post, titled, “If We Build It, They Will Come,” dove a bit deeper and then practically addressed how I dealt with some of those feelings – by inviting others to share life together. Yet I need to pause on posting that right now. As I re-read it, knowing it would be viewed on the very day of our Sweet Sara’s memorial service, it felt so raw – so unworthy of sharing space on loneliness. I haven’t begun to scratch the surface on that topic like Gitzen Girl did. She choose joy and brought her precious life on-line when her isolation wasn’t by choice. Her life showered a living example of taking full possession of the abundant life that the Lord offers. She ward off deteriorating emotions, and for me, her life affirming testimony puts so much into perspective.
Right now, my home echoes from energetic children, the phone rings incessantly, and I prepare for tomorrow’s meeting of home schooled families that I organize.
Loneliness, in this moment, would be an unnecessary choice and today, I choose to savor the chaos.
Have you battled with loneliness lately? Are there key influences that you can pinpoint and name? I’d love to pray with you.
John 14:1 – Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.
Hebrews 13:5 – Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Matthew 28:20 – and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Psalm 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Jen shares her attempt at Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, and invites you to join in at any time.