“How do you love God who has the ability to fulfill your hopes and dreams, but is not?” her words bounced around in my heart and soul.
I began to wrestle with God over the issue. It wasn’t that my hopes and dreams were sinful. I just wanted a baby. I know I already have three…One conceived the natural way…Two more in a petri dish…But my heart aches for more.
“How do you love God who can open wombs, but chooses to close yours?”
I hold tight to God. I wrestle the question with Him.
My heart cries out, “Why not me? Why when it comes to others by accident and easily? Why?”
As I wrestle the whys become less…”My ways are not your ways..” ring in my ears.
I do not let go as that truth does little to answer the question, “how do I love You when You can, but You won’t…at least not now?”
When I am close enough to wrestle with God, I am close enough to hear Him whisper…
God whispers who He is…
“I AM the Good Shepherd…” (John 10:11)
“I guide you on paths of righteousness.” (Psalm 23)
I am the “God of all comfort.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)
I am “the God who sees.” (Gen 16:13)
My name is “Faithful and True.” (Rev 19:11)
He reminds me that those who wait for Him will regain their strength (Isa 40:31).
He blesses those who wrestle with Him (Gen 32:22-31).
So I cling to Him, the One who is able to fulfill my dream, who made me with the desire to have children.
I hold tight because, “To whom shall [I] go? You [Jesus] have the words of eternal life?” (John 6:68)
I am not done wrestling yet. I wrestle with Him while I wait for Him…I wait for the miracle of birth in my womb, in my heart, or in my dreams. I wait for a baby of my own, a baby to adopt, or a birthing in my dreams and hopes. A birthing that changes my hopes and dreams so that I find contentment in what God has for me now.
It is a painful process this birthing – this wrestling – this dying to self. Oh but the blessing, the wonderful blessing I receive through the wrestling makes the pain, the birthing, the wrestling, the dying all worth it.
What are you wrestling over with God? Are you waiting for Him to bless you or have you let go of Him too soon?
By Angela Mackey: Rethinking My Thinking
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Amy Hunt says
OH, girlfriend…me, too! I am wrestling with this very same thing. A hearts desire for another child and yet the clear answer to wait, but also to trust Him. I’m okay with waiting, and then I grow impatient and mostly (really mostly) I fill with fear that maybe it won’t happen (later on) or maybe I’m wrong. It’s a hard wrestle – this birthing process of being made in His image. And this wrestling is a necessary part of the process of us growing closer to Him and being made more in His image. These days – the right now of angst and pain and uncertainties – this is part of the story for tomorrow. I am trusting in that. He’s readying me for *then* through the *right now* of my life.
Rich blessings as you trust Him…
Angela Mackey says
Thank you Amy!
I will be praying for you as you wrestle with Him. He is able and you are right. He is preparing you for “then” through the “right now.”
Katie says
I wrestle with the same thing… having children. I have none and I am 40 years old. I purposely avoided church on mother’s day. I have many well intentioned people telling me I am a mother of the kids in my class but I am not a mother. I am a teacher.
I have given up on the dream, saying if God wants me to have children then it is up to him. I refuse to go to the specialists because we can not afford it. We can not afford to adopt right now anyway.
Most of the time I am ok with it and other times I am not and overwhelming sadness comes.
Angela Mackey says
I will pray for God’s miracle in your life. Either a baby in your arms or that He would take that longing away from you. Know that God loves you and has great plans for you.
May His word comfort you!
Beth Williams says
Katie,
Praying God’s will in your life. I know it can be hard to watch others get what you want & not understand why or when it will be your turn.
Just know that God has your best in mind when making plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse.
Beth Williams says
I wrestle with God all the time. One big wrestle I had was wanting to get married and watching all my friends & younger relatives do it with no success, not even a date!
A friend turned me on to Yahoo personals. That provided some dates, but nothing substantial. Then a dry spell came & no one was writing me. I threw a pencil down on my desk at work and said “No more blind dates for me. If I’m to get married you’re gonna have to make it happen..it’s up to you now.” Sure enough a short while later this nice young man Douglas D. Williams wrote me. We dated 10 weeks and got married & that was 7 years ago.
Another biggie I wrestle with is job satisfaction. I have had numerous jobs in my life, and achieved 2 AS degrees. Each move I thought would make me happier, more satisfied. This last move was ok at first, but isn’t challenging enough for me. I learned yet another skill and passed a second registry (Medical Assistant & Coding). I am awaiting my turn to land a really good, challenging job that I can enjoy.
Angela Mackey says
Katie Thanks for sharing. I am praying that you can find satisfaction in God as you seek to do His will in your occupation.
Blessings!
Angela Mackey says
So sorry Beth. I meant your name, not Katie!
I Live in an Antbed says
In those places of waiting, He reminds me of how He has moved on my behalf all of my life. I can look back and see that He is Good. That He does Love. And that He can be trusted. It is one more reminder of why He tells us over and over to remember and to tell the next generation so they, too, will put their trust in Him. I simply forget unless I intentionally focus on His Faithfulness. May He give you the desires of your heart. 🙂
Angela Mackey says
Thank you so much!
You are so right. God continually asks us to remember and we are not good at it. When I wait for Him I do a better job of looking back. I need to live a life of remembrance so that we (my family, friends, and I) never forget what God has done!
Amy McCollister says
Although I am still very young. Still in my early twenties, I too find myself longing for my husband and I to have a child. While we have good reasons that we are waiting, it’s still something I struggle with almost every day. Praying for God’s best in your situation and contentment/joy when His best comes to light!
Angela Mackey says
Amy, age has nothing to do with this kind of longing. I pray that God helps you find joy in today even while longing for a child. thank you for praying for me.
Nicolette Choi says
WOW! This was so amazingly on time! I needed this this morning! I am just in awe right now…I feel like i have been wrestling with God for so long now. Thank you so much! I am so blessed! He feels so close at this very moment…
Angela Mackey says
Isn’t God so good. He is always on-time. I am blessed that these words have touched you. On my blog this week and next I am doing a series on Wrestling with God and there will be an opportunity to link-up the end of next week. Consider stopping by over there.
Karen says
I also find myself wrestling with God. I have 2 children here on earth – 1 natural and one IVF. I also have several angels in Heaven. I still have a strong longing for another child. My last miscarriage was in December. I have found myself asking God what the purpose was in me being able to conceive after 2.5 years, only to lose my baby. The hurt is deep, but each day is better. I have accepted the fact that I may never carry another baby and I do pray for this longing for another child to fade. My plans are not His plans. Praying for you also.
Angela Mackey says
Karen, I am praying for you too. Thank you for sharing your heart and know that He is close to the brokenhearted.
Jennifer says
Dear Angela, I love your honesty, your calling out to Him and His whispers of truth in your heart. Oh, how He loves! He does not forsake. He does not turn away. You are adored, as you wait. Thank you for this beautiful post, your beautiful heart.
Angela Mackey says
Jennifer your kind words bless my heart and I am honored that God would use even me.
Brooke says
Angela, I identified with this post so much. I feel like I’m wrestling with God right now concerning my longing for a husband and children. It is so difficult to be constantly surrounded by people who have had those dreams answered and I stand here still waiting, wondering if those longings are a part of His plan for me or not, praying and hoping so much that they are, but knowing that they might not be. Thank you for writing this post-what a blessing for all of us who get to read it!
Angela Mackey says
Brooke,
I will join you in praying for God’s miracle in your life. For a husband and kids or for contentment. Mostly I will pray that you continue to be more and more satisfied in Him.
Fabiola Chiarelli says
Dear Angela, I’m right there with you. I’ve been wrestling God on the baby desire. I had two miscarriages in 2010. I ask why others, why me, why can’t I get pregnant, what was the real reason I lost baby 1? Why, why, why…..
Some days, I feel I have no strength left to do any other things….
Thank you for you honesty.
Angela Mackey says
I am praying that God can give you peace even if you may never know the why on this side of eternity. Praying for you girl!
Britt says
Oh Angela, thank you so much for writing this! My precious husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 3 years. We have been lucky enough to get pregnant, 4 times now, but we have lost every baby. I have said over and over again that having faith makes this journey so much harder! I have faith that my God is a big, powerful God who can…but hasn’t!! Thank you for reminding me that He comforts and is faithful and true!!! And thank you for allowing God to use you today!!
Angela Mackey says
Britt,
My heart hurts for you. I am so humbled that God would use these words to bless others. I pray you find peace and comfort in His arms even if you never understand.
carmen reyna says
I know many young women who have struggled with not having a child, but one of them Told me they have a mother’s heart, she is able to give love to children, who do not have the guidance they need at home, they may not even have a home
one friend fostered a baby girl, adopted her then later had a baby of her own
God knows things we could never fathom
Someone asked me to be their mentor, I was thrilled at first, then it dawned on me
what if I do something wrong, or say the wrong thing, I never want to lead anyone astray
What if I do not know enough about God and His Word
Please pray for me and the young girl who asked to come beside her and help her on her journey. Why Am I so frightened to say yes
Angela Mackey says
Speaking as a women who asked someone to be my mentor, I never have expected perfection or for my mentor to always be right. I just wanted someone to talk to and pray with over issues in my life that she had already been through. I think building into the lives of others is hard and scary because we know our imperfections and are afraid that if the person we mentor knows these imperfections she will somehow think we are not worthy of being her mentor. That is far from the truth.
I will be praying for you to know God’s will in this opportunity to serve and pour into the life of this young woman.
April Taylor says
Wow!! Angela, I could have written those words. My heart ached as I read your words, as I read my own thoughts and longings and desires. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby and have yet to even get pregnant. I’m 35 yrs old and worry floods me. I worry that it will never happen and that the desires that I believe God placed in my heart will never be fulfilled. I struggle with having faith and trusting and believeing that it will indeed happen. That God did not put this desire in my heart and in my husbands just to be cruel. I’m trying to draw close to God and trusting that He IS faithful to fulfill ALL His promises. So I will wrestle with God. I wont let go until He has blessed me. I want All the blessings He has for me. Including the baby that I believe is coming very soon. Bless me God, bless me.
Angela Mackey says
Oh April. I am praying with you sweet girl. My heart tears because I am your same age, but I suffer from secondary infertility. I am blessed, but I want more. Does that seem selfish to you? Sometimes it does to me. I am praying for you. I am praying that as you draw near to Him who is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine, that in your longing you find peace. In your longing you find Him who loves you and holds you near. In your longing you allow God to heal your hurts, your past, your everything. That you lay it all down for Him…Your plans, your burdens, your joys, your pains. Give it to Him and in due time He will make a miracle happen. Just like the miracle I wait for. One in my heart, one in my womb, or one on my doorstep.
Blessings to you sweet woman of God. Abundant blessings beyond our knowing.
Caroline says
Powerful post, Angela. I wrestle too. With all sorts of things. And it’s verses like the ones you shared that renew my heart to remember His goodness. Thank you.
Angela Mackey says
Thanks Caroline. Isn’t His word wonderful?
snowflakes2hotcakes says
It’s like you were peeking in my heart and writing its contents. Thank you for this, and for the reminders of who God says He is. There is nothing more powerful than speaking His Word into our situations. When I was in the process of miscarrying my second child earlier this year, God kept bringing the Scripture, “Be anxious about nothing but in everything by prayer and petition make your request known to God, and the peace that passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus” and “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” to mind as I lay in bed, waiting. To avoid the worrying and the stewing and cope with the anger and betrayal I felt, I had to actually speak these out loud almost as a mantra, but it worked and God taught me a great deal through that experience. I know that we have 2 children awaiting us in Heaven, and that though we are still childless, God is still good, and God has a plan. I am excited to see what it holds. 🙂
Angela Mackey says
I am praying for you sweet girl. May God richly bless you as you wait for Him.
kvg says
Thank-you.
Angela Mackey says
kvg-
Your welcome. God is so good. I am praying for you.
Stacey says
I needed this. My friend recommended it to me. The funny thing is God and I were wrestling last night and I hadn’t realized that is what was going on. My heart is still hurting in the morning but I’m also trusting “a little bit” more. Looks like we’ll have another round. God will win as he conforms my heart.
Thanks for writing!
Angela Mackey says
Stacey,
I am praying for you sweet girl. May God comfort you and speak peace to your soul as you cling to Him.
I am honored that God would use my words to bless you.
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