I began to wrestle with God over the issue. It wasn’t that my hopes and dreams were sinful. I just wanted a baby. I know I already have three…One conceived the natural way…Two more in a petri dish…But my heart aches for more.
“How do you love God who can open wombs, but chooses to close yours?”
I hold tight to God. I wrestle the question with Him.
My heart cries out, “Why not me? Why when it comes to others by accident and easily? Why?”
As I wrestle the whys become less…”My ways are not your ways..” ring in my ears.
I do not let go as that truth does little to answer the question, “how do I love You when You can, but You won’t…at least not now?”
When I am close enough to wrestle with God, I am close enough to hear Him whisper…
God whispers who He is…
“I AM the Good Shepherd…” (John 10:11)
“I guide you on paths of righteousness.” (Psalm 23)
I am the “God of all comfort.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)
I am “the God who sees.” (Gen 16:13)
My name is “Faithful and True.” (Rev 19:11)
He reminds me that those who wait for Him will regain their strength (Isa 40:31).
He blesses those who wrestle with Him (Gen 32:22-31).
So I cling to Him, the One who is able to fulfill my dream, who made me with the desire to have children.
I hold tight because, “To whom shall [I] go? You [Jesus] have the words of eternal life?” (John 6:68)
I am not done wrestling yet. I wrestle with Him while I wait for Him…I wait for the miracle of birth in my womb, in my heart, or in my dreams. I wait for a baby of my own, a baby to adopt, or a birthing in my dreams and hopes. A birthing that changes my hopes and dreams so that I find contentment in what God has for me now.
It is a painful process this birthing – this wrestling – this dying to self. Oh but the blessing, the wonderful blessing I receive through the wrestling makes the pain, the birthing, the wrestling, the dying all worth it.
What are you wrestling over with God? Are you waiting for Him to bless you or have you let go of Him too soon?
By Angela Mackey: Rethinking My ThinkingLeave a Comment