I had been toying with the idea to wear a wedding band, although I am not married. I had this irrational fear of going through my day, two young kids in tow, and being pitied. Look at the harried, single mother, sweatshirt and ponytail, not a speck of makeup. What will become of her? I thought that if I was wearing that band it would show that someone loved me. That I was not alone. That it was OK if I was not always looking my best, because I was part of something, I already had my happily ever after.
The ironic part was that for years I wore that band. I was once married, and it was not happily ever after. I spent years in the marriage, and I still did not feel complete. I was looking for something to make me feel whole, feel loved, and then I lost my way.
My marriage ended and eventually I found a wonderful man who I thought may be the answer to everything. I could feel complete. He was my best friend, and he dearly loved me. But that was still not the answer. It seemed I was always looking for something, yet I didn’t know what it was. I kept thinking if I just had… then I would be happy. If only I were skinny. If only we got married. I pushed and I pushed for an engagement I wasn’t even sure I wanted, and I pushed him away.
Meanwhile, I had always been curious about church and religion, yet it was never pursued. I was not raised in a family that went to church, and truth be told I was embarrassed at how little I knew. I was scared I would walk in to church and they could tell I didn’t belong. I didn’t know the first thing about the Bible, and I thought everyone would know. This was difficult for me. At this time in my life, I felt I needed God more than ever. I needed, and wanted, that relationship with Him, yet I was not sure where to start.
I tried a few churches, they were not for me. Finally, I found the perfect one, where I felt welcome and not judged. My girls were well taken care of within the youth programs when I attended, and the pastor spoke in a way I could relate to, and understand. The more I listened, the more I felt at home; this was what I had been looking for. I was reading books and the Bible to help me try and understand this longing and emptiness I had.
I had tried to control my life for so long, I was overcome with a feeling of peace once I realized that God was in control of my future; He had a plan for me. I didn’t have to know what it was, I just had to trust in Him. Now, this was hard for me. It’s one thing to read about it, to write it, to say it. But to truly put my life and trust there, and believe it… didn’t come easy. Sometimes it still doesn’t. But I am learning, I am trying. I am finding my way.
I learned sometimes we are in such a hurry to get “there”, wherever we think that may be, that we don’t enjoy the journey. Knowing that He has a plan for me, I now can enjoy my journey.
I don’t wear a wedding band. I am not married. I am still that single mother of two adorable girls, with the ponytail and no makeup. Except now I know I am not alone. Someone does love me, unconditionally. And I don’t have to look my best, because to Him I am beautiful, always.
By: Jessica DuffyLeave a Comment