About the Author

Dawn Camp shares God’s gift of essential oils in her newest releases My Essential Oil Companion and It All Began in a Garden. She is a photographer, essential oil slinger, Mom to eight and Mimi to five. Dawn enjoys movie nights with her husband and steaming cups of Earl Grey.

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  1. Great points. I find that if I meet his needs physically, he will willingly and just naturally meet my emotional needs after. That doesn’t mean that I always remember that. It is a blessing to have a husband who loves you, wants you, and needs you. So many women would pay a lot of money to have that.

    My husband is leaving for China soon for work. And honestly, I keep thinking, what if this is the last time we see each other. Not because I want to be morbid but because I want to stay in the moment and make sure we part on good, solid, loving terms – no matter how his trip goes.

    I’m not very bold about discussing the “S” word 🙂 But sometimes when girlfriends are complaining about how horrible their husbands are being and then they tell me it’s been weeks or a month since they’ve been intimate. I want to say, um really? THAT’S why he’s all out of sorts. Men feel loved through the act of sex. If you reject all of his advances for a long period of time, he will feel rejected and then act it out. Think how we’d feel if he rejected us every time we needed/wanted something from him.

    Apparently, I have a lot more to say on this than I thought 🙂 LOL I will stop now 🙂

    Blessings,
    Mel
    Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God

    • Mel, I love your comment “I’m not very bold about discussing the “S” word”—I’m really not either, I just felt burdened to write about it here this month.

      It sounds like you’ve got great perspective on the subject. I pray your husband’s trip is safe and profitable.

  2. So what happens if it’s been a year or more (truthfully) and neither even attempts advances? I can do without; in fact, I loathe the thought of intimacy (with my husband). I have felt rejected in every other way and spent so much time extending an olive branch only to have none in return. At what point do you simply say “enough”? At what point would you give up on a friendship when you are the only one making any effort?

    • Elaine,
      I can completely and utterly relate to your comment. I was there. I am now divorced. I think the last 2 years he was in my home we were intimate if you want to call it that 3 times! I spent those 2 years getting godly counsel from one of the women on our staff at church. I worked hard to attempt to communicate to him, turn things around, etc. etc. but as you said above I was the only one making the effort and honestly I had nothing at all left to give. I spent countless hours praying over this and for me this was what I felt was the correct answer. I wouldn’t give up without a fight, I wouldn’t give up without first seeking guidance from a trusted person who will not take sides but be an advocate for both of you, someone who will base their guidance in scripture. Someone who will not judge you.

      I’m sorry you are going through this. I know the pain of it all to well. God sent me the woman at my church to talk to, I hope you can find someone if you don’t have them already.

      Lisa

      • Wow Elaine and Lisa…I hear you both because no amount of intimacy can help a marriage where 1.) you don’t like yourself anymore and not amount of advances from your spouse is gonna turn you one and 2.) you don’t respect your spouse and got into a marriage for the “idea of it”, the “fantasy” of what you thought that person would be. Marriage does not change anyone…him or you so that is the first question that you need to “honestly” ask yourself. I was there so I’m saying this from the heart. I stayed in a marriage where the sex was great but the intimacy was null. Then I stayed because it was the “right thing to do” and my parents added a lot of pressure to it as well. But finally, like Lisa, I got help from our Minister and a few therapists. It was a bitter divorce and lastest over 3 years but I took responsibility for my choices from the onset and refused to be a “victim” and got through it. No more guilt, or house, or car, or other stuff could keep me in a marriage that I knew wouldn’t work. That was over 20 years ago and I have been remarried, very happily, for 15 years to the love of my life. There are NEVER periods of no sex/intimacy. No that we’re like rabbits, but there is trust and we are comfortable enough to say no to one another and not take it personal or feel that it’s a sign of our marriage not working. I still feel the same warm feelings for my husband that I did the first weeks of our courtship everytime he says my name, walks in the room or calls me on the phone. Once you get honest with yourself you will have faith to get you through anything and you will just “know” that things happen for a reason and this too will pass and MOST IMPORTANTLY, have a drama free life/relationship. Hope this helps, fondly, Roberta

    • Wow, Elaine, I’m really sorry. I will say that in 25 years of marriage there have been peaks and valleys in this area: we certainly haven’t always been consistent. I do know that everything else in the marriage works better when we make this work…

      Do you have date nights? Go on walks together? Sit and talk? If it’s been that long, I would work on building the “friendship” aspect of the relationship first. What were the things that attracted you to your husband when you first met, when you got married?

    • Elaine, my heart goes out to you.

      Marriage has to be a joint effort – a lack of intimacy is not solely your fault, especially if your husband is not seeking you either. The post above presumes an otherwise healthy relationship and a very interested husband. The advice it offers won’t work for the marriages that are severely broken. I’m praying that you and your husband find healing, that he realizes the necessity too.

  3. great post!
    we keep things romance alive with love notes and lots of words of encouragement. we try to keep negative comments out of our daily lives. marriage is a wonderful thing!

    • Melissa, you make a great point about keeping negative comments out of your lives. Negative comments about your spouse to other people are particularly harmful, too.

  4. What a beautiful post. I especially love the verse you gave up top. Women want so bad to have independence, do their own thing and think that they are above their husband. God created us as two genders for two spreads reasons. He didnt make one better than the other but he still put the man above us and we need to be submissive. No matter what the world believes we should do, God created it this way.

  5. My husband and I have been married for 30 years next week! He is more romantic than I am, I must admit. He wakes me every morning with a kiss and a cup of freshly brewed coffee before he leaves for work. He waits until I sit up in bed, he turns the tv on to the morning news, presents me with coffee and a kiss and leaves for the day.
    On weeks he does errands, he always comes home with roses for me. He knows I love the smell of roses in our bedroom and there he sits the vases filled with such beautiful bouquets for me.
    I make sure the house is clean and tidy for him as he is uncomfortable with clutter, I make him his favorite meals. We also try to get away a few times a year whether it is to another country or to another city.
    We make it a point of putting the other first and doing all we can in making the other happy, comfortable and secure. We know each others love languages and speak them fluently daily.
    We believe we have a marriage of three, him, me and Jesus in the middle!
    I want to give God the glory for this wonderful man I married all those years ago and to say one lifetime with my husband is not enough!

  6. I’ve never said “I wish I hadn’t done that” after sex with my husband! It’s ALWAYS worth it, no matter HOW tired I think I am at the time.

  7. What a great post Dawn! I must say… we still flirt like crazy after 12 years of marriage. God has blessed me with this man and I am grateful. As such a blessing, we must not take our marriage for granted.

    • Lissa, I know what you mean. Sometimes our kids take so much out of us we feel like there’s nothing left. It’s important to make time for your husband, too. He’s the one you started with and the one who’ll still be there when the kids are grown and gone. 🙂

  8. Dear Dawn:
    Thank you for this post – we all need to be reminded of this from time to time & seeing a new perspective is refreshing.
    Dear Elaine, Lisa & Roberta:
    I know your pain. Less than a month after we were married my husband didn’t want to have sex any longer, but through a lot of heartache I persevered because I truly believed he was the man God chose for me. The no-intimacy period lasted almost a year until he had a crisis in his life & needed that deep love. We’ve never looked back – 3 children and almost 17 years later we are stronger & more in love than ever. I’m not suggesting that divorce wasn’t the right course of action for you, but I wanted to show another side of this painful dilemma to other women out there who may be feeling very alone & hopeless right now. Prayer & unconditional love worked for me. God bless.

  9. Wondering how …after 41 years… to be all that God’s Word requires… must some couples be made to live by mercy and grace instead of passion and intimacy?
    Could God have required for some to “do the right thing” for His Glory?
    God is always faithfu

  10. What do you do when your husband doesn’t have any sort of attraction to you, and it’s caused by medication?

    My husband and I have had intimacy problems for 3 years. It’s a one-two punch for me, as around the same time we started having problems with our love making, he also confessed to having watched porn during our marriage. For him, it was over; but it was new to me. I wanted to go to counseling and work on our marriage, but he scoffed and put forth a half-hearted effort because, he said, it wasn’t a problem any more.

    Adding insult to injury, the frequency of our love making diminished. We’ve gone months without it. We average about once a month. He says that “it doesn’t even cross his mind” and that there’s “just no desire there.” I am hurt and angry because, truth be told, if he lost weight and became more physically active, he could come off of his 2 hypertension medications that he says cause these issues.

    All of this points to one clear message to me: That I am not enough, and that I’m not worth the time and effort it would take for him to no longer need the medication. Essentially, it’s not a problem to or for him, so why should he bother doing anything different? Even though he says loves me and wants me, actions speak louder than words. I’m still hurt and wounded, and the cycle continues because of the injury of the porn, plus the injury of no sex… all add up to me feeling completely unwanted, undesirable and ugly.

    • Aimee, what I’m most encouraged by here is your forgiveness. I’m no counselor, but maybe shame or embarrassment is influencing your husband. I wonder what would happen if you started a working together towards his weight loss… Walking together in the morning or evening would increase intimacy through verbal communication and give him the chance to see, hear, understand that you’ve forgiven him. Imagine how much time you’d have to talk if you established a routine, and he’d start losing the weight and hopefully be able to come off the medications. I would love to see a happy ending here.

  11. thank you for posting this! as a soon-to-be-bride, i am thinking and praying about our future sexual relationship – these tips are great to help prepare my heart and my attitude!

    thanks!

  12. Aimee, how you ended your comment was the sum of my equation too: unwanted, undesirable and ugly.

    Our journey through the destructive nature of porn in our marriage began when we brought our first child home from the hospital and lasted for about 8 years. We tried so many angles to some resolve, starting with – “Let’s find out what’s broken in you, husband, and then let’s fix it.”

    But God had other plans. I was promiscuous before I got married and before my heart surrendered to Christ – and that shaped how I saw myself. I didn’t realize how broken I had become because of the choices I made. I saw my marriage as God starting a new chapter in my life – my “happily ever after.” But even in my marriage, God used my husband’s brokeness to heal mine. It wasn’t my “happily ever after”, it was the beginning of a better fairytale, where my Heavenly Father rescued me from darkness.

    I realized that my worth wasn’t in my husband’s response to me. And because his response and sins against me were not tied to my identity, I was able to love him when it was normally difficult to love him. His porn is no longer a master in our marriage. There is still the residue of the trust that was broken. We have both been humbled in this situation and are desperate for God’s hand to continue to heal both of us in our own brokeness. What a beautiful place for him to do this – but in the safety of a marriage.

    In our marriage, I once saw two people pointing fingers at each other – the posture of two people with hearts far from Him. But I asked God to come in to my own darkness and now He has both of our hearts. That didn’t happen in a perfect marriage, it happened in a marriage that was desperate for a healer and a Savior. Aimee, don’t be afraid of the darkness, that is where His light shines the brightest. He is faithful and just to purify us and take courage, he will not forsake you or your husband. <3

    • Wow. Thank you SO much for sharing this.

      This especially spoke to me: I realized that my worth wasn’t in my husband’s response to me. And because his response and sins against me were not tied to my identity, I was able to love him when it was normally difficult to love him.

      Especially, especially the first sentence. I will be praying that God shows me the same grace in my own heart and in our marriage.

      I cannot thank you enough for sharing this. I so wish the church and/or Christians would be more open about our struggles, especially with stuff like porn. We would be so much more free if we were not afraid to share our hearts with our brothers & sisters in Christ. Thank you for sharing your story and for being transparent. <3

      • Aimee, I agree and cry for those who think they are the only ones.

        …and as long as God exists, there is hope.

  13. Dawn, I appreciate this post! As much as I feel blessed for the marriage and man that I have, I know I have areas to work through and grow in. I have attributed areas of insecurity in the past to my pride – it was enlightening and convicting! However, I never thought about it in this area. I’m gonna think about that.

    I find that my desires are deep and strong in the area of pleasing my husband and building up our marriage in this area. However, my body does not always cooperate. It’s frustrating. It’s a struggle…a serious struggle within myself.

    I’m just getting past the baby phase again and I’m ready -oh so desire – to spice it up!

    Prayer. Surrender. A common theme God is working in with me. When He has the pen, He can write a magnificent (and oh so spicy )story in this very area. I do believe that. 🙂

  14. Thank you, Dawn for this great post! My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and while we are still probably considered “newly weds,” there still are times I can relate to not “feeling” like being intimate for whatever reason. We keep our romance alive by focusing on the little things. No matter how busy our lives get, we still make time for the “seemingly insignificants” of life.

    I want to encourage us all as wives and women, to focus on giving of ourselves in every area (not just sexualyl) of our lives…when I gave my heart to my husband on our wedding day, I was promising to be his biggest fan, his confidant, his refuge, his lover,…the list goes on. Any problems in the bedroom never originate there…I find when I’m not “feeling intimate” it is often b/c my focus is on myself and my own selfish desires and not on pleasing the man I married. Once I switch my focus (and, yes, sometimes it’s difficult to do), he is no longer the only one being pleased. =)