I stare at a pair of old time portraits my parents made years ago, and looking down, realize that I’ve dressed in one of her shirts today. It’s started again, unconsciously, this yearly counting down to the day in mid-March that marks the date when she gave birth to me, her first child, and also passed from this world seven years ago.
A friend calls, needs to talk, to process her recent birth experience, and I am back in the room where I delivered my seventh child, just six months before my mother’s death, when she held my new baby in the middle of the night and I hemorrhaged, unseen (we never told her).
I relive the eighth birth, culmination of nine months of confusion and wonder that my body didn’t understand what my mind assumed: that surely there would be no more children with her gone. “Lord, why did you give me eight children and take my mother?” I’d questioned.
Later that child would be the saving of me at a time I desperately needed a mother’s presence.
I look in the mirror and I see my father’s eyes; my mother’s and grandfather’s cheekbones; my grandmother’s chin. I see another grandmother’s hands that remember family recipes; an aunt who could also lose herself in words on a page; another who embodied silent strength.
And I feel loss, deep, overwhelming. Loss of these influences that molded me, all gone save one, my daddy.
And then I see Him.
In that moment I am overcome—no longer by what I’ve lost, but by what I possess.
I cannot outlive Him.
I cannot outlove Him.
He will never leave nor forsake me.
And it’s enough. It will always be enough.
Are you sometimes overcome by the pain and pressures of this world? Here’s a gentle reminder: the Lord of all creation is there for you—If God be for us, who can be against us?
By Dawn Camp, My Home Sweet Home
Leave a Comment
Chelsey says
Dawn, my heart if full for you. I know this all to well. It will be seven years this June without my mother. I had to learn to lean hard on Him and let His strength be mine when I had none to give.
Thank you for sharing your heart. For the reminder.
Dawn Camp says
“I had to learn to lean hard on Him and let His strength be mine when I had none to give.” — Chelsey, you summarized it so well.
Marisa Gary says
beautiful post. thank you for sharing. I’ve not lost my mother, but I did have a traumatic birth of my only child and the only one I wanted there was my mom.
Dawn Camp says
I understand what you mean, Marisa. We don’t outgrow the need for our mothers with age.
Ruth Hoad says
Dawn: I’m in that season of feeling the pressure of the world and your post reminded me of the beauty of my sweet daughter (the unplanned child, the one who made us think God may be a bit insane) born 6 weeks after my father’s death and with his eyes. A child of divorce I was raised by my father, he taught me love and I wasn’t ready for him to go. Every time my darling Meredith looks at me, I can look back at him and when she laments not having met the grandfather, we all tell her, God took him and gave us you; you with the gift of his eyes, not only the clear blue striking eyes, but the all seeing eyes, eyes with physical vision beyond that of normal humans and eyes that see into the soul and sweet lips that allow God’s word to come from you to us in times when we need direction or comfort. Thank you Father for my father and for my father in my daughter. All loved by me because first you loved me.
Dawn Camp says
Ruth, what a blessing your daughter was to you at that time, and how wonderful that she’s there for you as a beautiful reminder of your father.
Heather says
Thank you for this. I lost my mom 10 years ago this July. It still hurts…in fact it hurts even more now, which I never expected. This morning i woke up feeling anxious about losing my dad as well. He is fine and healthy, but I suddenly became very scared at the thought of losing him too. This was the perfect thing to read this morning.
Dawn Camp says
Heather, I’m so glad this was a help to you. It helped me deal with the anniversary of my mother’s death again just writing it.
Holley Gerth says
We can not outlive or outlove Him. On a grey-rain day when my heart feels the same, I needed those words, dear Dawn. Thank you, friend.
Dawn Camp says
Your words always speak to me. It blesses me if I was able to do the same for you, friend.
Michelle Coleman says
I loved it. It showed ur heart, it showed ur pain, it showed your faithfulness. I love you and am so thankful I knew Sister Judy. Her wit, her charm, her fiesty self! She touched our lives and I love how you keep her in our conversations even today. She is missed…but you are here for us to love….
Dawn Camp says
Michelle, thank you for always being here for me, for understanding. I’m thankful for friends like you who remember and loved my mother, too.
Kelli@ restoreinteriors says
I lost a child and understand the grief and the loss and the why me’s…..And then too…..I am overcome by the love of God and the peace that He has given me to cope with the emptiness. He fills the void that nothing or no one can ever fill. I find comfort in the hope of heaven, a place where ALL wrongs will be made right:) Thank you for this sweet post! What a lovely reminder today that I am loved.
Blessings,
Kelli
Pamela says
Thank you. Perfect reminder of the perfect answer to any question, puzzlement, or heart ache.
Aimee says
Beautiful!
gitz says
wishing i could wrap you up like this post just wrapped me up today. thank you.
Kristin says
Thank you for this encouragement and these reminders today:
“I cannot outlive Him.
I cannot outlove Him.
He will never leave nor forsake me.
And it’s enough. It will always be enough.”
Last year, I turned 25 and I lost my father at age 60 due to cancer. His death happened 2 weeks after my daughter’s death; she was a little over a month old and passed away due to a ‘random’ chromosomal disorder. A little over a year later, I struggle to understand their losses and in such quick succession. A military wife facing my husband’s first deployment where he will be gone from me for 12 months and experiencing our second pregnancy (baby due in August while my husband is gone) that is coming with its fears of having another baby with another chromosomal disorder, I struggle with understanding God’s plan for my life often. Some days the the things I know to be true about God don’t feel like “enough” – but I know they are, and I need the reminders. Thank you. God Bless.
Dawn Camp says
Kristin, I’m praying for you now, for your husband, for the child within you.
~Bambi says
As I opened my mail today and read this, I was touched by your pain. Just reading about why would you have 8 children and then lose your mom, moved me.
I lost my Dad, my Mom, and my brother, all within the space of 5 years. It was and still is painful. I miss them. I think of them and the void doesn’t go away.
But you are right, our heavenly Father is always there. That brings much comfort. He has been a faithful friend in all of this.
Thank you for writing so honestly and beautifully.
Dawn Camp says
Bambi, I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s one of my greatest fears, losing my father, too.
Mel @ Trailing After God says
I can so relate to that. It usually hits me when I least expect it too. Grief is so hard but I’m so thankful that this life is temporary and someday, we’ll all be together again in eternity.
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
Terri says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel better knowing I’m not alone in these feelings. The end of this month will mark my second year without my mom, whose funeral was exactly two months after the birth of my 10th child. Oh yeah. I can so relate. While I was in shock at her loss and wondering how to manage without her, I also realized that having Sweetpea helped me so much. I couldn’t curl up in a ball and stay in bed and refuse to eat and all the things that seem so natural in grief. I had someone depending on me for care and sustenance. I had to have enough food and enough rest to produce milk. I had to stop sorting and packing Mom’s house long enough to sit and rock the baby and feed her throughout the day. So while I questioned the timing of blessing me with a child two months before my mother went home, I realized that He sent a gift to carry me through and show His love.
Dawn Camp says
Terri, you are so right. One of my daughters was six months old when my mother passed away. She and I moved in with my parents for the last three weeks of my mother’s life. Caring for a baby in that situation is everything you said: it forces you to reach beyond your grief and put the needs of that child first. I’m thankful we both had these sweet babies when we lost our moms.
Teri @ StumblingAroundInTheLight says
Beautiful heart portrait.
Thanks for sharing tender words –
Teri
Annette Smith says
Thanks for sharing. This June is five years without my Mom and my Dad passed Feb. 1. It was during a blizzard and we couldn’t get there. I think he chose it way though – still trying to take care of us.
Grateful for the One who is constant in my life.
Vicki says
Thank you for sharing. For reminding me of how sweet and precious life is. And especially how great life is with Him.
Loni says
“I cannot outlive Him.”
Those words stirred my heart especially. I understand – yet never thought of that when death has stung so hard. I lost my mom in 2004 – 7 months later my 16 year old son in a home accident. Two years later we had our youngest son (our 12th child) – very much unexpected because our marriage was also hitting the pits. But God new – and brought us a new little life – a healing, joyful balm for our family. I fear losing another child . . .
but yes, none of us will outlive Him. What a promise of hope!
Thank you for sharing. ~ Loni
Becky K. says
Thank you, Dawn. Words for my heart.
I lost my dad two months ago. Last week I was at Children’s Hospital with my 8-month-old for a 12-day fever no one could explain. (Praise God my Elias is fine, now!) But in the midst of the pain I was feeling for my son, I was feeling my own pain…how could Dad be gone? Shouldn’t he be calling me? Checking in for updates? Saying he’s praying?
Learning that Jesus’ comfort being real doesn’t mean that there will be no pain.
Learning to lead harder on my Lord.
Heart n Soul says
Love this Dawn….we are marked forever by the ones we love….their presence lingers across the vastness and depth of our memories….so firmly imprinted across our hearts and souls.
Heather Gemmen Wilson says
Isn’t it strange how our hearts can be so full and so empty at the same time? May the God of all comfort be with you during this time.
Christine @ EdenPure Heaters says
What a beautiful heartfelt reminder! A reminder that I desperately needed today, as I face a new day with all kinds of pressures…HE is always with me!
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