For years I declared that I wouldn’t have just one child. In the back of my mind, I thought that having two children would guarantee that the same heartbreaks and confusion I experienced wouldn’t be passed on.
I was an only child of parents who divorced when I was young. I always wanted to do the right thing and for my parents to be happy with me. I grew up at a young age. I was a good girl.
One day after I turned 18, I made a decision I never thought I’d make. I chose to secretly and quietly do what my mother wanted of me. Her love for me convinced me this was better for me in the long run. I was afraid and I still needed my mom in my life. This choice rocked my good girl character description and shredded my pride. Sadness, guilt and shame have been a part of me as I think of the life that could have been, even though I know I have been forgiven fully and completely.
Years later when I was married and four months pregnant, a routine ultrasound discovered a heart that stopped beating. Life had ceased without notice. What did I do? Was it because of the choice I made so many years ago?! I was a good girl. I couldn’t help but think that maybe I deserved this. “This isn’t the time to be a super woman,” a doctor told me during the delivery, as I dug deep to be strong. I felt shame for hurting so much.
Not sure I ever believed He would, God later blessed me with a son – a perfectly healthy, 9 1/2 pound joy-of-a-boy. I was proud of myself for doing everything right. This was the time to be super woman, I thought. I did it all – so nearly-perfectly. I needed to prove that I was capable.
I should have been satisfied.
Yet, even with the blessings I was given, I continued to long for another child. Couldn’t I be grateful for what I had? I felt badly about wanting another when it cost me so much to get this one. Yet, my heart ached for one more. Our house has four bedrooms and one of them has a room perfect for a little girl. I would look into it and wonder if we would someday…
Sometimes I think that I have been worked-on to be a mother to a girl and excitement fills me as I think of the possibility. Other times, the joy for our current moment and our life as a family of three, outweighs my impatient I-want-another! temper tantrum. Such a push and pull – wanting more, yet being satisfied with what we have.
I’m not sure if we ever will have a fourth member in our family. What I do know is that I’m content with our life today. Fear won’t be my motivation for trying to play-God and try for something that isn’t right for us right now. I’m excited for the gifts God wants to bless us with someday, and I’m making the most with what He’s already blessed us with.
About that perfect-for-a-girl room in my house…it’s being prepared for a different kind of purpose – a special place for me to write, pray and listen. A gift for me. Grace to receive. And as far as the part of my story that I’m most shy to talk about…I am receiving Grace for myself in that part of my story, too.
It’s a bit scary to say “Yes!” to the blessings of today, because it feels like I am saying “No” to a dream. And I am in a way. I am saying “No” to the thoughts of the unknown future that take me away from the present moment.
It takes courage to accept my story. Sometimes I feel ashamed that I haven’t accepted it all along, but I think I needed to live it out a little to appreciate and accept it.
By Amy R. Hunt, ARock4Him
Lovely post, Amy! I think we all struggle with finding the balance between accepting what we have, while being receptive to accepting more or less, depending on what He has in mind for us.
Thanks, Miel. You’re so right. *Accepting* what He has in mind for us…that brings so much Peace, if we’d just let Him give it.
As you continue to seek His very best, the path He desires you to walk will be made known to you. In His perfect timing. We always have to trust Him and humbly walk in the light we have.
Such a beautiful reminder…”as [I] seek His very best…” Trusting Him and His perfect timing is how I’ve been renewing my mind of late. Thanks for the reminder!
Love this post. Thanks for sharing.
Ooh, thanks. 🙂 Thanks for reading and for commenting!
Such a sweet and honest post 🙂
I love this:
“I am saying “No” to the thoughts of the unknown future that take me away from the present moment.”
I needed that word. Such a wonderful nugget of truth. – for mama’s – for single’s – for kids – for everyone. Awesome.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Blessings to you,
Kate 🙂
So glad. It is TRUE and that’s exactly where we begin to renew our minds and transform our lives!
Wow! “It feels scary to say Yes to otday because it feels as if I am saying No to a dream”. So very awesome. We have to trust that God has got our backs and he knows best and He has a perfect plan for our life. Not that our *life* will be perfect, but the plan He has for us, is *perfect* for us!
Thank you so much!
Bernice
Are you too busy to be yourself?
A constant trusting…like breathing…steady on.
Amy, thanks for sharing your story which I know had to be difficult. Decisions we have made in our past often plague us for the rest of our lives. Even though we know that we are forgiven by The Almighty, we still cannot forgive ourselves. I, too, wrestle with with the contradiction daily. I need to remind myself that thinking this way means I believe I am more powerful than God and in control of my destiny. Of course this is ridiculous! So with this writing, I am reminded that God is in control and I need to let go…..and forgive myself as well.
Yes, Bonnie! Receiving Grace to forgive ourselves is so powerful and it’s what propels us into the realm of where *beauty is made from ashes*…otherwise, our stink just piles up and we sit in the mucky yuck without doing anything about it. I struggle with thinking I am more powerful than God, too…so hard, yet so necessary to trust Him. I appreciate you and your comment. Receive His meant-for-you Grace.
I long for another child as well. If God is willing I will have another little one to hold one day. Some say that I should be happy with what I do have, but who says that I am not happy with what I do have? Wanting something more does not diminish the present blessings. God created us to be mothers, it’s a normal longing to have. I learned that prayer is the best key to any locked treasure. Everything is possible in Christ. I will pray for you. 🙂
I appreciate your affirmation, Lena. You’re so right. For so long I’ve struggled to name specifically *why* I want another child, and most of the time I come up empty handed, so to speak, and I don’t have a legitimate reason. I can’t explain the tug, the pull that aches in my heart. Knowing your heart cry gives me comfort, and I so much appreciate your speaking it out loud. I love your comment – “unlocked treasure”… Blessings prayed for you today.
Wow. I love this post and it so encompasses recent thoughts I’ve had too. Thanks for putting this out there. Know that you’re not alone…in more ways than one.
Moving forward in the present…
I love this – ‘moving forward in the present’. Keep on!
Amy,
I too have longed for a little girl. Or boy. Or whatever God would choose for me. But I have no children. That is what He has chosen. I struggle so much with being happy with His decision, yet He has blessed me in so many other, extremely beautiful ways! I choose to be grateful for them!
Thank you for being so brutally honest with us. You are loved! Oh … and your sweet boy is SO adorable!
Oh, goodness Beth Ann…you’re so sweet…seeing those made-for-me words there “You are loved!” touched me so much right now. And about my little Prince, thanks – he’s such a gentleman and such a joy! I feel incredibly compelled to pray for you, Beth Ann, and that I will! Thanks so much for your comment. “Brutally honest” was hard, lemme tell ya!
dear amy,
what a beautiful way to tell your story without
all the words. your encouragement will help
so many women who made the same choices.
my best friend did, and now she has five lovely
children.
thank you,
lea
You got it, Lea. Thank you so much. “All the words” aren’t always necessary, I’m finding. Thank you for your note.
This line spoke straight to my heart: “It feels scary to say Yes to today because it feels as if I am saying No to a dream.” I have an amazing husband, two precious step-kiddos and a crazy-blessed life. My dream is to adopt a baby (we’ve been waiting to be matched for 18 months so far), and the difficulty of waiting has threatened many times to squelch the joy of today. Your words exposed a very significant truth in my heart, that somehow I’m worried that if I don’t stoke and nurture the dream in my heart every day (which can be painful at times), that somehow it won’t come true. How much better to place the dream in the Lord’s hands and fully experience today. Waiting is difficult, but thank goodness we don’t have to do it on our own.
Erin…SUCH truth! Waiting IS incredibly difficult, but like you said – it can squelch today’s joys. I’m surrendering that which is on my mind out of fear…moment-by-moment during each day. Thank you so much for sharing your own truth. (and secretly and honestly, I share that same longing to adopt…I’m not sure what it’s about, but I feel it so intensely…) Praying for you. Truly.
It’s rare for me to comment on postings, but I had to tell you the depths of how this spoke to my heart. We were blessed with a wonderful daughter, but have since suffered a loss and the infertility. Some days I do well, being thankful for what we have, accepting what may be a permanent situation, or what may not… others, it’s hard to even want to pull myself out of bed. Especially, feeling like you’re going at it alone, and like no one else could possibly understand. I don’t do well in uncertainty, but I guess that I need to change my thought process – I may not be certain, but someone else is, and I can be certain in that. You put it *so* well, saying that saying yes to today feels like saying no to the dream… A serious lightbulb moment for me. Thank you!
Leah, THESE are the moments God wants to use to draw us to Him…deeper and deeper with every longing, every pain, every confused thought from a prayer that seems so unanswered. He knows our heart, Leah. He hears us. And in the waiting is when He will do so much more in and through and around us. More than we can imagine. I am so glad to know that the words He gave me – my story – touches your life. He answered my *biggest* prayer. Thank you so much for commenting. Blessings to you.
I know that longing for a second child, for a little girl. I feel it too. After 5 years, we finally had her and we loved her to pieces for 24 days, before she was taken to Jesus due to medical error. And those longings come back…for another child in our home. Your words are running through my head, doing laps, hoping with enough laps they become a part of me.
Thank you for your post!
Wendy
Oh, goodness, Wendy…my heart is crying for you. Weeping, actually, I love what you said about my words doing “laps” in your head…I hope they run laps in your heart and circle you with such love and peace only our Father can provide. Thanks so much for your note. Rich blessings to you.
Dear Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing such difficult words! You have verbalized what so many of us feel so often. One thing I’d like to share from my own life experience is this – when we immerse ourselves so completely in God, and He chooses to change what our desires or dreams are, it isn’t painful or bittersweet – only beautiful and fulfilling. God has so much for us! Trust Him totally and you will be amazed at how content and full of joy you are every day.
Wendy, you are such a light! Thank you so very much for your own encouragement! I have felt Him in my heart – speaking those exact words, that He will make all things “beautiful”. I appreciate the time you took to comment.
I already had two daughters (and one in heaven due to an early miscarriage). Still, I desired a son to complete our family and to pass on my husband’s name. It took over 3 years of praying, then later being sure He was answering that year, then seeing He didn’t, then asking for Him to either change my husband’s heart or remove my desire for a son. But on Dec. 8, 2010, my bright gift was born. Who knows why God said yes to my dream, my deep longing, but I am ever grateful. I know God has a plan for us each, & sometimes that plan includes children, other times it doesn’t. But I know God is faithful, no matter the outcome.
Praying He answers you in time, perhaps in His own way–definitely in His own time!
Psalm 37:3-6 (New International Version, ©2010)
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
Jenni…I have prayed several times the same prayers – that God would change my husband’s heart, or even mine. For now, He has changed mine. I’m content with today. And actually, since saying “yes” to exploring this craving to write and after making a “place” to call my own in the room I long to be a daughter’s, I’m afraid to let go of *this* yes and be blessed with what my heart longs for. My timing, Lord – this I often say, as if I’m a three year old child determined to have her way. God IS faithful – no matter what. Just like you said.
I appreciate the time you took to share and to encourage me today. What a wonderful blessing to you just over a month ago. Holy Sweetness.
I loved this post, Amy. Thank you so much for it. So many profound truths, but the one at the end resonated the most for me. It takes truth to accept one’s story….yes, and to accept it as a gift.
You noticed the purpose in that sentence, Marilyn. I’m glad. [smile] Thank you for sharing such truth. And I’m so appreciative God is using me to touch people’s hearts today. I’m so incredibly honored.
I nodded all the way through, but the end one I am savoring. 🙂
I love that – “savoring”. Such sweetness.
Love how you said this, Amy–“It’s a bit scary to say “Yes!” to the blessings of today, because it feels like I am saying “No” to a dream.” I’ve felt that way many times but never quite been able to put it into words. Thanks for doing that for me and reminding me of the truth too!
Holley! I appreciate your comment and I am so grateful for the opportunity you gave me to take a *risk* and have courage to tell *my story* on your site. It seems as though God sure did have some folks who He wanted to read what I had to say with the hopes of touching their own hearts.
Amy,
You are so brave. Thank you for sharing your words with the world.
Thank you so much for your comment, Amy – both here and on my blog. “Brave” is only with *courage* God can give. For. Sure.
Thank you, Amy!
This is incredibly timely for me and more than coincidental with similar reflections and prayers–TODAY. Thank you for speaking to my heart. I know the Spirit has worked through you today. God rocks!
God bless,
Bonnie
Bonnie, I appreciate knowing that God spoke through me to you…that was totally my heart prayer. He sure does *rock*!
Thanks for sharing this story. There are countless women who’ve been blessed today because of you. Countless.
Exactly what my prayer was, Deidra. Exactly. I want my life to be used. Any part of it. I’m really ready for that, and I see how important all of our stories are as a network of believers – sharing, learning, growing…because of each other. I so much appreciate you taking the time to comment today.
I understand. I’ve been there. I always felt like someone was missing. It was the only way to describe to other people why I wanted another child, having 1 perfectly healthy daughter. I wanted another baby so deeply, on a soul-longing level.
I think God sees the longing of our hearts and will use them. But our time and His time hardly ever line up, do they? Praying for you, your heart, and your longing.