I’ll just come out and confess. I’m one of those annoying planner, pragmatic types. The control freak center of my brain? Yep, that’s where dreams go to die.
Fifteen years ago, I married one of those spontaneous dreamer types. It’s true that opposites attract. It’s also true that opposites drive each other completely bonkers. I don’t know what he was thinking when he signed up for a lifetime with me. After six years of dating, he had ample exposure to my planning-induced neurosis. It’s a wonder he didn’t take his dreams and run for the hills.
At several points over the course of married life, I made plans. Good ones. I came up with very practical ideas about how we could act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with our God in a very predictable and controlled environment. But would you believe it? God never took any of my ideas. Not even the absolutely perfect ones.
I planned to work in foreign missions, but ended up working for more than a decade as a corporate HR executive. (Think Catbert.)
My husband planned to go to physician assistant school in the military. Instead, he went to medical school, out of the military.
We planned to wait to have children until after med school. Our son was born right before my husband started third year.
Oh and there was this minor detour to Afghanistan smack in the middle of med school. Apparently, the air force didn’t consider my 10-year plan when they cut my husband’s stop-loss orders.
Are you sensing a pattern here?
My husband seemed to take the rerouting in stride, kept reminding me how it’s about the journey, the process, the pursuit. Blah-bitty-blah-blah. I knew he was right, but I held on to the belief that the journey would be a whole lot more comfortable for me if I knew exactly where we were going to end up, ahead of time. You know, like when you have a plan.
A year ago, standing on the precipice of 2010, I leaned on the kitchen counter, staring at my coffee maker like the coffee was going to make itself. I wondered where the grinder would sit this time next year, what life and my kitchen would look like. I felt as if I’d been swallowed whole by the fear of the unknown.
So there I was in the belly of fear, so weary of never knowing what’s next–or even worse–of thinking I knew and having it change repeatedly. Like one of those speed sensors flashing numbers and veiled threats to drivers who pass. You’re going 42, no 38, no 41, no make that 25. I just wanted life to stop blinking a dozen different speeds.
I filled the carafe with water and hit repeat on the same prayer I’d stammered out every day for the past month. God, I’m afraid, and all this limbo makes me nuts. Make me brave, even enthusiastic. Could I trade my anxiety for your joy? Guide us where you want us to be, and then help me get so excited about it that doubt never even shows up. Please.
A few days later I woke up awash in enthusiasm for a plan so crazy and difficult that I knew it must be of God. And when my husband felt the same way, well, let’s just say doubt didn’t even bother to make an appearance. Since then, we’ve taken a thousand baby steps in that direction, waiting for God to bring it all together. And do you know what?
A year later, we’re still waiting.
This year we moved six states and more than 700 miles away. He changed jobs, and I left mine altogether. I left my dream house to rent a decidedly less dreamy house. (Case in point–the carpet underneath my feet right now is green with pink flowers and vaguely reminiscent of a Forenza skirt I used to love. Emphasis on used to.)
The list of changes is long.
The list of constants is short.
But this December, as I stand on the precipice of yet another year, still in limbo, the truth is finally starting to sink in. If the only constant in my life is a gracious and powerful God, it will be enough. He is enough.
I love the definition of faith the writer of Hebrews offers at the beginning of chapter 11. (Actually, the planner in me finds this definition highly irritating, but the rest of me loves it.) “Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we don’t see.“
And then later, when the author starts listing examples of what faith looks like, he writes, “By faith, Abraham, when called to go a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” (emphasis mine)
I kind of wish it said, “By careful planning and meticulous calculations based on the multitude of information God provided ahead of time, Abraham obeyed and went, because he knew exactly where he was going.” But the thing about faith is that it usually comes into play when life is so foggy I can’t see my hand in front of my face, when no amount of planning can save me.
Tomorrow marks the dawn of a new year and promises more change. I have no idea where I’m going. But I know Who is taking me there. And plan or no plan, that’s enough.
He is enough.
Raise your hand if you’ve been there–in the fog–where plans fail and faith is the only alternative. Raise your hand if you’re there right now. I’m in too much of a fog to see my own hand right now, let alone yours, but I’m guessing there are a bunch of raised hands.
What plans do you need to hand over to Him today? What circumstances do you need to trust Him in?
PJ says
Can you see my hand in Florida?? Right there with you this New Year’s Eve.:)
Jo@Mylestones says
I see it! Okay, not really, of course not. But up here in Ohio, we are seeing the sun for the first time in what feels like 20 years, so I’m starting to believe anything is possible. Thanks for your company on this foggy New Year’s Eve. 🙂
Patyy says
Raising my hand here in Henrietta. Thanks for the encouragement, Jo!
Jo@Mylestones says
You’re so very welcome, Patty! So great to “see” you here. Please pass on the love to the rest of our Henrietta-based family. And Happy New Year!
Leslie Knight says
I’m a planner, too. In fact, I had my whole life planned out. Then, I met my husband during my senior year of college, and we married 10 months later. He’s not a planner. He’s relaxed and a bit of a dreamer. And it drives us both crazy – all of the time. We too are in a bit of fog. We’ve been here for two years now. Maybe longer. And I struggle with trust. I’m just waiting for the next bad thing to happen as it seems that’s all that does happen. But I try to pray for guidance and peace. Every evening and morning and in the middle of the day, too. I know God is there, but I struggle to see Him (and everything else) in this fog. Thank your for your words. I know I needed to read them.
Jo@Mylestones says
Leslie, I’m so with you–there’s nothing even remotely easy about trust, especially for us planner types. It is such a struggle to see God’s hand at work, especially in the midst of suffering or limbo. But when I look back far enough (say, 15 years), I start to see the most amazing things–HIS plan taking shape, HIS purposes being fulfilled. And even when so much of the struggle doesn’t make sense even now, I find hope, that HIS plan is perfect.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment.
Beth West says
I understand too well! My favorite past time is making lovely lists. You’re right about giving Him control in our lives, especially since He has it anyway!
I pray all of you have a blessed 2011.
Jo@Mylestones says
Ahh, a fellow list maker, eh? Wishing you a wonderful 2011 as well!
Godelieve says
Another raised hand, in The Netherlands – Europe.
Jo@Mylestones says
Waving back, from Ohio USA!
p.s. One of my plans (one God hasn’t nixed yet) includes spending 3 years in Europe. Perhaps I can come visit? 🙂
Amy says
Great post! I feel blessed this arrived in my inbox today as we are going through some major life changes in 2011! Good luck… never stop trusting! Our God is an amazing & loving God!
Jo@Mylestones says
God bless you, Amy, as you travel through 2011 and the changes it brings.
And amen to having an amazing, loving God!
Samantha says
Hand raised here in Nebraska! Lovely article. Thank you!
Jo@Mylestones says
Waving back from a few states over. Thanks for reading, Samantha. And best wishes for a happy new year!
Lauren says
I absolutely understand and both hands are raised high here in Texas! We’re not even sure what country we’ll be in this time next year… My husband is in the Army and is ALSO a dreamer type. It sure does make life interesting though and I have learned to appreciate the different perspective from a non-retentive planner. But it doesn’t matter to me where we’ll go, because I trust the Lord will place us where he needs us!
Jo@Mylestones says
Oh Lauren, an Army wife? So OF COURSE the word “limbo” is cemented into your vocabulary! My little sis is in your shoes right now–only her “not knowing” relates to when her husband will finally come home from the desert. What would we all do if it weren’t for a sovereign, gracious God? Blessings to you in 2011, no matter where you end up!
Sarah@EmergingMummy says
Kindred spirit, you have GOT to stop crawling into my head and writing it out! It’s getting a bit freaky (check my post today about my word for 2011 – you guessed it, it’s ENOUGH!). This is gorgeous and honest, some of your best writing this year. Maybe because it was born and refined for a year in your soul? Who knows. But this speaks to me, ministers to me and, since I am a charismatic at heart, makes me want to wave a white hanky and shout AMEN! a bit.
Jo@Mylestones says
I’m sorry, Sarah, but your brain is such a beautiful place to be, I just can’t bring myself to leave. 🙂 But seriously, I did read your post today, and yes, I feel like we’re forever hanging out on the save wavelength. I don’t have a white hanky to wave, but you can bet I’m yelling a hearty AMEN right back at ya.
Love to you, sweet friend, and may your 2011 be a year in which you find that you are Enough, that He is Enough.
carrie says
Both hands raised here! God is teaching me to choose trust and have faith in Him as I’m waiting and obeying even when I don’t feel like it.
Jo@Mylestones says
Carrie, can I tell you a secret? I NEVER feel like waiting. And I rarely feel like obeying. As simple as it is, trust and faith do not come naturally for my wayward soul. Thank God for His grace, His patience.
Best wishes for a faith-filled (and obedient even when we don’t wanna be) 2011!
Sharone says
Beautiful, Jo, and so right. I’ve come to a similar realization this year. Plans fail, health fails, I fail, other people fail me, but God never will. And if God is the only one of those I can really count on, that’s where I’m putting all my hope and faith. Or at least, that’s where I’m learning to put them. 🙂
Jo@Mylestones says
I’m learning too, my friend. This is the type of learning that lasts a lifetime, I think. (Too bad we can’t just defend our thesis and be done with it, eh?)
I Live in an Antbed says
Simply love this post! It ALWAYS helps to “season” the batch with humor, doesn’t it? He is enough, and more than enough!!! I must remind myself that His Perspective is perfect, mine is incredibly limited, and He is completely Trustworthy!! Happy foggy 2011!! 🙂
Jo@Mylestones says
Happy foggy 2011 to you too, Anne!
Vanderbilt Wife says
Without the specifics, these could easily be my words. We’ve been in limbo for two years now, something I never expected. We live far, far away from any family; both own and rent houses while scraping by on one teacher’s salary. If I think about it too much, I crumble. BUT GOD. That’s it!
Jo@Mylestones says
I remember reading a post you wrote here a while back and thinking the same thing—change a few specifics and this is my story.
BUT GOD. Yep. That’s it.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says
Wonderful post; in my case, I’m married to the planner and he’s married to the other. And yes, it does create an…interesting…environment :).
Your words encourage; your faith-eyes give your circumstance substance and significance in spite of fear that threatens to creep in.
So beautifully written…I wish everyone would have opportunity to see it! 🙂
Jo@Mylestones says
Thanks, Robin. I’m thinking when God came up with the “opposites attract” law of physics, he thought just that, “Well, THIS should keep things INTERESTING!” 🙂
Thanks for your kind words, and happy new year to you!
idelette says
So lovely … thank you for sharing. Came here on Sarah’s recommendation. So glad I did.
Jo@Mylestones says
Thank you. I’m glad you came here, too. Best wishes for a wonderful 2011.
Danielle says
Thanks for writing this post. I have a hard time trusting and with fear of the unknown. God also had much different plans than I did. 🙂
Jo@Mylestones says
Danielle, I’m starting to think the struggle to trust, the fear of the unknown, that it’s a universal struggle, to which very few of us are immune. I’m getting to the point (after much banging my head against the wall) where I actually am glad God’s plans were different than mine, and that He is at work in fulfilling them–for both of us–even now.
Liz says
Raising my hand over here in the Philippines 🙂 Thanks for this…I really needed to read this today!
Jo@Mylestones says
Thank you for reading, Liz. I’m waving back through the fog from Ohio, wishing you a wonderful new year!
Corinne says
Hand raised… really really high 🙂
Loved this… thank you for the reminders… and knowing I’m not alone!
Jo@Mylestones says
Corinne, do you remember being there in that kitchen with me in one of those late December days? I remember stammering out the explanation about how I didn’t know what next year held for us–all the various possibilities–while I steamed milk for mochas and wondered out loud about the future.
And now, you’re in a very similar spot with so many possibilities for 2011. I just wish I could return the favor, sit down with you for coffee while you talk through the fears, the future, the possibilities. I wish we still lived close enough to make that happen!
Happy new year, friend!
Corinne says
I do remember 🙂 have thought of that playdate quite a bit today, as it was right around now when we were in Maine for New Years! It’s amazing what a year can bring…
Sharon@HikingTowardHome says
Hey Jo!
This New Year’s Day passes One year in this church and parsonage… how long we are here for? as much as I would like to say, “30 years or more”, I have learned not to say…. 7 years ago I was sitting in the Philippines thinking I would be there for the rest of my life. My plans are all in God’s hands, I have to take them one moment at a time. I have lived a long time in constant upheaval… it sort of feels normal now so I don’t really make many long term plans anymore. 🙂
{hugs} and Happy New Year!!
Jo@Mylestones says
One moment at a time, leaving the moments yet to come in God’s hands. You’re right, Sharon, I think that’s the only way to live.
Love to you, and best wishes for a wonderful 2011 (in which–Lord willing–I’m finally gonna get to meet you!)
Jamie says
Thank you for this post – it’s so good to know I’m not alone! I have passed so many New Year’s Eve’s in exactly those same foggy places with all my diligent plans smashed yet again. I too married a dreamer (mine’s in the Air Force), and though God has blessed us mightily He has never once done it in a way I expected or could have imagined. I finally got the message and stopped trying to plan, and am now in the process of actively learning to take whatever comes gracefully. Ann Voskamp blogged two days ago about learning to live in each moment as it’s given to us this coming year and it really touched my heart! If that sounds helpful to anyone else too, you can find it here: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/12/the-only-place-to-really-live-the-year-of-here/
Jo@Mylestones says
Jamie, yes, I LOVED Ann’s post about living each moment as it is given. Thank you for pointing us to it here.
As someone also married to a dreamer/air force guy, I am right there with you. The foggy places are so familiar, have become almost the norm. God rarely works as we expect Him to, and I’m coming to see that as evidence of His grace.
Lindsey van Niekerk says
I am raising my hand and waving in the biggest fogginess that I have ever been in. Thanks for your words of encouragement and your “I’ve been there” attitude! It was a breath of fresh air for me starting out this new year.
THANKS SO MUCH!!
Kim Beacham says
Amen… sister. Thank you for your honesty and candid comments about the tension between faith and the reality of living in this world.
in the hush of the moon says
oh jo, i’ve been here… and God too has linked me with an opposite who both drives me insane and drives me into heaven’s arms. what a beautiful post. what a post filled with promise. thank kyou.
Rachel says
See my hand in Maryland? This year left me reeling. Here’s to trusting God with 2011. Thanks for this beautiful post!
Kelly @ Love Well says
This is so well-written, Jo. I found myself nodding and laughing and humming with every paragraph. I am waving my hand so hard, it’s liable to fall straight off.
I’ve often looked back at my college self and I can see SO CLEARLY that I had “God’s will” all figured out for me by the time I was 20. I had written it down, carefully scripted the goals and dreams, and I held it up to him like a contract and sad, “Sign here.”
He didn’t sign. I think He might have laughed and sighed at the same time.
And I’m so thankful He knows more than me. I’m certainly not a black-belt in faith yet. But I’m getting there. His plans are better than mine. Always.
Jo@Mylestones says
I think our college selves would have gotten along beautifully, almost as beautifully as our current (hopefully wiser and not just older!) selves. Love you, my friend. Glad to be in this journey together.
Jess says
Jo- I can’t tell you how much I needed this today- this year. This is the first glimmer of insight the Lord has given me as I look into the unknown of this year. Thank-You. This is going in my journal right. now.
Jo@Mylestones says
Jess, I’m so glad it encouraged you. I know the uncertainty you’re facing– and I’m praying God brings it all together in an unmistakably sovereign way (and also that He brings you within a few miles of me!)
Michelle DeRusha says
Jo! I’m so very glad I caught your guest post here — though I am way, way late. I think you already know how much of a Type A planner I am, so you know how much I can relate to this. I admire your honesty and your courage in writing about fear and trust here. It’s something not many of us are brave enough to share, but most of us battle as well.
And by the way…the mention of the Forenza skirt really took me back! I laughed out loud when I read the brand Forenza!!!