About the Author

Robin is the author of For All Who Wander, her relatable memoir about wrestling with doubt that reads much like a conversation with a friend. She's as Southern as sugar-shocked tea, married to her college sweetheart, and has three children. An empty nester with a full life, she's determined to...

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Reader Interactions


  1. Tenderly handled and artfully said, Robin. The web world can not only consume our time, but seriously contaminates our expectations of ourselves, our spouses and others. So many of us have a number of internet sites and blogs that we check daily; just for fun, we tell ourselves. But do we “check” with our husbands on an equal number of levels? Do we spend that hour, or two, or six…checking in, investing, and loving our man? I confess that I struggle alongside so many others. But my relationship with my husband must be second only to my relationship with Christ. My man deserves my time, my attention, my energy and my deliberate, intentional thinking. I tell everyone I married the last perfect man on earth. Your post reminded me to treat him so! Thank you!

  2. No offense taken.
    Mr. Rogers used to say “Whatever’s mentionable is manageable….and everything is mentionable.” YOU have kept this important subject mentionable by careful choice of words while not stepping away from what needs to be said. EXCELLENT handling of a much-needed topic. God gave you a passion for this topic and would not let you go until you wrote it!

  3. I think this is very well said, and much needed. As a young woman growing up in the church (and at this point I’m still single) I find there is so much of a taboo on sex even though it is a GOOD thing that God ordained for a specific context. I think open (for context, ie girlfriends, or with spouse), appropriate conversation is so very important.
    (Yes, even though I’m not married, I clicked through anyway. I’m a brat like that.)

  4. my problem at the moment is that the laptop is keeping my husband warm at night. *sigh*

  5. Very tastefully handled. As a wife and mom of 3 under 4 sometimes I’m downright exhausted for days. My husband and I had a conversation the other night and he told me, “we need to do have a healthy sex life for the health of our marriage, if its been a few days put off doing some of your chores so you have energy.” It is true, its a vital part if a healthy marriage. What are the two main issues for divorce? Sex and money. If you are a Christian woman, God made you for that man (Not the other way around) and one day standing in front of the Lord you will have to give account for how you took care of and helped His man – wouldn’t it be great to stand before the Creator and say “I did my best”?

  6. Robin! This is so well done and much needed!
    We are expecting our 8th baby on our 25th wedding anniversary. So… uh… yeah, we enjoy one another. 🙂

  7. Over the years, all desire for my husband has slowly waned and presently is nonexistent. In hindsight, how I wish I had stoked the fire while there was still an ember burning, as now it feels impossible. The distance between us emotionally, physically, and spiritually feels insurmountable, even with marriage counseling. So, to the younger ladies reading, please don’t let this happen to you. If you feel the spark is going out, do everything you can to “fan the flame”!!!!

  8. Thanking God that He nudged you to write this – we all need to hear the Word; sometimes we just need to hear it woman to woman. Beautifully done.

  9. Wow, something i’ve known and pushed aside, but needed to hear rather than continue to ignore.
    With a 2 year old and an almost 1 year old, I feel like I just do not have a clue how to get back there. We are both exhausted all of the time. We are both aware of the lack of intimacy, but know why we are lacking it. A struggle with post partum depression has made it even worse.
    What do I do, how do I make the time, how do I find the passion again? I’m honestly exhausted and clueless and the desire just isn’t there at this point… i would rather sleep!

  10. YES, YES, and YES!!! Finally… someone is willing to be open and honest about this.
    Sex is a beautiful thing, God ordained, and for our enjoyment (not just baby making).
    We have let the world distort what TRUE intimacy is (just look a Hollywood film making), because we are to afraid to speak it from a platform or even the PULPIT.
    I’m thrilled that you grabbed your courage to (in)courage us.
    Bless you 🙂

  11. I disagree with your position since it I think it lays too much burden on one spouse; ie. the wife. Instead of emphasizing mutual service, it seems like you’re you’re spiritualizing the worldly idea that sex should be available 24/7. Yes, a husband *needs* sex frequently. But a wife *needs* to feel loved and cherished. Both are necessary to a healthy sex life. And yet, the feeling I get from reading this post is that the responsibility lies squarely in the lap of the wife–that she ought to serve her husband’s sexual needs willingly and “flirtatiously” with no expectation of being treated lovingly in return.
    Maybe this is because you’re writing only to women–but frankly, I feel discouraged. Not encouraged.
    p.s. i have a wonderful sex-life with my husband and was never abused.

  12. I have to agree with E. Although well written, it seems the angle is to serve and not be served equally. I am in a marriage where it has been so one-sided for so long (me the giver) and NOT reciprocated that I find solace, conversations, connections and friendship through my laptop. I do have real friends and my husband and I do have relations but what am I to do with the inequality?

  13. Dear E. I too know the feeling of reading something meant to encourage that feels discouraging so I feel for you. Ugh. Who wants more burdens and pressure? May I suggest you pour out that feeling to the Lord so He can show you why you feel that way or what to do about it? You are right in that this is meant to be a mutual thing but the only person we really have control over changing is ourselves. Robin’s giving us a place to start. And a lot of us need Robin’s reminder to minister to our husbands this way. If after you talk to the Lord about it the word isn’t for you today (and with your comments on your marriage, very likely it isn’t), let it go and let God hit the rest of us. 🙂

  14. Such an important topic! We have been working on this area for months now, it’s been a problem for years. I have found ladies, that the more we actually do have sex, the more I want it. And if I relax during all of it, I enjoy it every time. I wish I had known that years ago when I was just too tired, too many children and dealing so much that I decided I didn’t need to have sex ever again. Very wrong of me. We should not be so selfish that we push our husband’s into temptation because satan is watching and lying in wait. Keep at it! You CAN rekindle that passion you used to have but you actually have to have sex in order to do that! Pray for it!

  15. Too true. My husband and I have struggled and talked and sex is better now than when we were first married. Yes I am often tired at night after taking care of our children and house all day but………..he must know he is first in my life. I read the books “Intimate Issues” and “Intimacy Ignited.” WOW! “Holy Sex” is another good one. Treat your husband as a king and you will be treated better than a queen.

  16. Dear Robin,
    You are so right on with this post, and I’m so thankful to the Lord that you obeyed His urgings in your spirit to write!
    I have learned that the only way to truly love our husbands, is in having the heart of God’s Agape Love!! His Agape love expects NOTHING in return, but gives love unconditionally, putting the others needs before your own. I, of all people, know how hard this is at times. But, God’s love is ALWAYS the initiating love, He doesn’t wait for us to change, He is always there, wooing us back to Himself. This is the picture of a marriage. When we lay down our own desires, and give freely, with His Agape love, supernaturally, our needs become being met. That is because, either our hearts change to what we need, or our needs are really being met. When the wife sees herself as serving the Lord when she serves her husband, she recieves the greatest gift of joy, peace, and she is full. Our husbands hearts change in wanting to serve us back, (sometimes without even realizing it!), their hearts begin to open up to us, wanting to give us our desires also! It is truly the Holy Spirit working in his heart! It starts with making the choice to give our husbands love, even when we don’t feel like it, and with that act of obedience to the Lord, our hearts will eventually align with our feelings. I know I’ve written too much, maybe not making sense, but I just had to share what a miracle can and will be done, when a woman’s heart truly loves the Lord with all her heart, soul and mind, and with that, serves her husband as unto HIM!!
    It is a daily dying to ones self, and putting the Lord on the throne!

  17. Good gracious, so much of this is true! My husband & I will have been married 24 years this Monday, and yes, we’ve been through the waning drive(s). Yes, we’ve dealt with exhaustion b.c. of little ones. Yes, I’ve felt totally unattractive. Yes, there were times I felt that I would/could never be attracted to my husband again.
    GOD HEALED US!!!! He healed our marriage & it’s stronger than ever. The biggest way He healed it was through sex. He gave me a desire for my husband that has not waned over the past seven years – in fact, it’s getting stronger all the time.
    Several tips/tricks: sleep naked. Robin’s right – you’ve got the only body your husband’s allowed to see – let him see it! Cuddle up at night & see what comes up (sorry). Let him wake you up in the morning with an “encounter.” There’s something so erotic (to me) of being awakened from a deep sleep to sexual caresses. Spend time bathing together – I’ll say it until I dead that buying our hot tub (used) was the best thing we did for our marriage. Even if you don’t have one, you can take bubble baths together. Or take showers together & let him wash your hair – we love that in the salons, so let him pleasure you that way. Which could, of course, lead to more pleasure.
    All I’m saying is don’t shut the door – unless you’ve got kids, then LOCK the door!Get creative with your love life – make your marriage fireproof.

  18. This brave post was worth your effort my friend. I hope to get to know you better through your blog and (in)courage.
    Thank you for encouraging us to be beautiful.

  19. Perfectly put. I love God nudges and I am so glad that you listened to yours and posted this!! May I suggest a boudoir photo shoot? That gives them their own wife to look at. They can be very classy and fully covered:). Blessings to you!!!

  20. *Applause* You handled that like a pro(sexpert – snort)! This week was A Woman Inspired’s online Marriage Conference. A lot of the speakers spoke about the exact same thing…it was mind blowing how many women didn’t think of their husbands as their lover. It was very eye-opening!

  21. thank you for this sharing. what happens if the husband lacks the desire for physical intimacy? is anyone else having this issue? 🙁

  22. I would like to thank you for this post. My husband and I are going through a rough patch in this area at the moment (mostly my fault). This post has led me to realize that some things need to change.

  23. I’d like to chime in again and say that, being married for almost 25 years, I can understand wishing the partner in a relationship (any relationship) would be more giving. The fact is, we really have no control over what that person does. We can only control what WE do and give.
    Just as Jesus “came not to be served, but to serve”, we should strive to do what’s right no matter how we are treated in return. This concept was never promised as easy, but it was modeled by our Savior. That’s good enough for me.

  24. For the lady who posted that her husband lacks desire. Its often thought that only women deal with hormonal imbalances. If you have earnestly tried to get the spark going and nothing works, consider suggesting to your husband to get some hormone testing…maybe his testosterone level is low. Research bio-identical hormone testing. You get a kit , do it at home and mail it off. Just something to consider. 🙂

  25. While this might fall into what you term those “who’ve suffered abuse or who carry other woundings beyond my ability to minister encouragement,” I’m concerned that some women might misconstrue this. While it is absolutely our biblical obligation to meet our husbands’ sexual needs as well as we are able in order to help stave off temptation, a wife should never, ever feel responsible for her husband’s adultery or other sexual sin.
    My now-husband was “being kept warm” during our dating relationship and the first part of our engagement by several “virtual affairs” carried on via email, IM, photos, and texting. He thoroughly repented when it finally came to light, and through a lot of prayer and counseling, we determined to continue our engagement and wedding as planned. But to somehow hold me accountable for my boyfriend/fiance’s sexual sin would be impossible from a biblical standpoint, as I should not have been attempting to meet his sexual needs because we were not married yet. And if he was expected to control himself outside of marriage, he should be equally responsible for his actions within it.
    Though an unbelievable amount of healing has taken place, I still struggle with statements like “He…needs…sex…. This act of marriage is a physical expression of love, an outward expression of intimacy.” While I try to believe that within the context of our marriage, I know for a fact that, for him, sex and love can be quite separate things. The week before our wedding was filled with more sobbing conversations than I care to remember, as I struggled with reconciling his sex drive with my feeling that our sexual relationship would have everything to do with my body and nothing at all to do with me.
    Things are much better now, but every once in a while (often after reading well-meaning things like this, that talk about “how men are” and how women have to adapt themselves to that and use their bodies to gratify a man’s urges), it gets harder again. Men may need sex, but it is just as valid for us to need to know that there is more to it for them than the mere physical experience.

  26. What a great job you have done with a sensitive topic. I always think of the verse that says to consider the needs of others as more important than our own.
    I think I may go home tonight and bless my man. 🙂

  27. Wonderful. Amazing. Beautiful. When I find myself getting frustrated because of my husband’s lack of attention, I have to make a choice. And, through some godly counsel from a dear older woman and much searching of Scripture, I have come to this conclusion: My loving service IN EVERY WAY to my husband is best viewed through the framework of obedience and service to the perfect love of Christ. And when I use that perspective, the whole issue leaves the realm of selfishness and “what about my needs” and becomes truly what God intended marriage to be … a picture of placing the other first, even when it’s difficult, even when they don’t deserve it, and even when I would rather not.

  28. This post was so well written! Thank you for sharing your heart! I am so thankful that my husband and I have always had open communication in this area…that’s not to say that neither one of us has messed up at times!
    I think the point you made in #5 is SO important! I HATE my body (that’s another post for another time…LOL!), but he loves it. And tells me all the time. Who am I to keep him from seeing it? Just because I’m uncomfortable with it doesn’t mean I have the right to hide from him!
    When I was younger, I had heard of women who, after three kids and 20 years of marriage, still wouldn’t let their husbands see them with the lights on! I decided when we first got married that the modesty and shyness I had as a teenager (that served me WELL, I might add!) had no place in our bedroom, and from the very day we were married I set my mind to be open with him. And THAT has served me well, too! ; )

  29. Wow! All I can say is thank you Lord! Someone said it!! 🙂 This whole post was exactly what I feel people need to realize. I especially love the part about the children. Children are our responsibility but they are resilient. So if you have to take out time to be with your husband alone…. do it! The children will still be there! I have friends that never(and I mean never!) go anywhere with their husbands alone or even just spend time talking with them. Not even to the grocery store! Oh I could go on and on but you already said it! Thank You Robin for allowing me to see I’m not the only one that feels this way! Amazing post!!

  30. I’m not a married woman, but I’m butting in anyway. Because I have a lot of married friends who complain to me.
    And I’ve found the only advice I’ve ever given that is of any value are these two things:
    1. Talk to your husband about it. (I figure if they can talk about it with me, they should certainly be able to talk about it with their spouse.
    2. Start living the marriage you want. It makes me sad reading comments that say they feel like it’s too late. That the embers aren’t there to flame. One of my friends always complained that her husband would never come greet her with a kiss at the door. So I told her to greet HIM with a kiss, even if it seemed uncomfortable. She stepped out of her comfort, but it gave him permission to step into his.

  31. I’m climbing out of where E. and e. have been, and know how it feels. But I also know that initiating – even just a few times – makes a BIG difference in my hubby’s efforts and response. It is SO HARD to feel like the one doing all the work – but Scripture is right on that we are made for our man – and it is not only a right for him to have sex with us, but it’s a privilege for us to give ourselves to him. (wow that is SO not the feminist way of thinking I used to have…)
    with porn and cybersex so easily available – so readily available – we have to decide to draw a line in the sand and make a stand for our marriage. while that doesn’t mean that our initiating or having sex with our husbands will prevent it, we can PRAY for our husbands and ask God to turn our hearts towards them and theirs towards us and PRAY for the oneness and unity we all desire. GOD CAN CHANGE our husbands – but we cannot. So while we use what God has given us =), we can also ask God to provide the intimacy and connection we so desire, and for protection of our husband’s hearts in the meantime.
    GOOD MARRIAGE is hard work – and I’m certainly no expert, but if I quit working at it, then I can’t blame my husband for the results…
    Robin – all I could say was “Wow!” after I read this. GOOOOOOOD stuff. Right on. Thanks for preaching it Sister. =)

  32. Angie, Smockity, et. al: Believe me, I *do* understand that as Christians we are to imitate Christ and serve with self-sacrificial love. I also know that we cannot control anyone but ourselves.
    I still think this post holds out false hope that if a wife just does x,y and z she will have a wonderful, healthy sex life. It’s just not always that simple. I’m glad it worked for Robin. I’m glad it works for Smockity. But I’ve known women who have done all the Right Christian Things and still experienced failing marriages and/or very sad sex lives.
    It’s really not their fault. But after reading a post like this they might feel really discouraged like it IS their fault.
    Frankly, these women don’t need another how-to list or “Just flirt with him!” pep talk. There is no formula that guarantees a healthy sex-filled marriage, especially if the onus is placed on the shoulder’s of just one spouse. It’s mutual. That’s why I feel this post is unfair.
    p.s. I have a wonderful sex life with my husband and was not abused (i feel like I need to repeat that since my comments are not coming from a place of personal hurt, but out of concern for some of my friends who are suffering)

  33. E. – maybe the women do need a “pep talk”, some encouragement. If they have done everything they can do and honestly “I did what I could” and the marriage still falls apart then she has nothing to be ashamed of. Her husband will have to answer for that at the judgement. But that does not change the fact that sex is a vital part of a marriage and most don’t survive without it.
    To anonymous who stated that her fiance was engage in “virtual sexual relationships” – no you aren’t held accountable. That’s why the post was directed at MARRIED women. Even if you were married ultimately he is responsible for his actions as a wife you’re to help him not fall into temptation.

  34. Thanks for this great reminder! We just had our first baby, she’s 4 months old now and it doesn’t come as naturally as before because I’d rather just get to sleep but I’m going to make a point to be intentional about it now!

  35. Thank you for being willing to write this. I have been married two years and the only issues we’ve had in the bedroom was during a six month stint taking antidepressants before and after our daughter’s unplanned arrival. However, we are just starting to feel the effects of being too busy and not taking time out for regular dates. May the Lord keep us faithful to our commitment to regular date nights! I’m sure that will make a difference.
    I found the book “The Act of Marriage” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye immensely helpful as a young woman who (by God’s grace) managed to save myself for my husband alone. You touched on a lot of the key topics they do in regards toward one’s overall attitude toward romance. I now keep a stock of the books for any newlyweds who haven’t read it. They also take time to discuss romance after abuse in a very Christ-centered and kind attitude. I highly recommend it.

  36. E. – If you enjoy a healthy sex life with your husband and are unselfish concerning physical matters, why are you discouraging encouragement for others to enjoy the same?

  37. I didn’t see this post as making any guarantees. (Well, except that your husband will probably like it.)
    As Americans, I think we expect guaranteed results. If we follow the recipe, the cookies had better turn out or somebody is going to hear about it.
    As Christians, we don’t have that luxury. Jesus Christ himself gave all and is still being maligned today because of it.
    Don’t misunderstand that just because I have been married nearly a quarter century that means my life has been all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. We have spent plenty of time in the offices of marriage counselors.
    I’m just relaying my experience with the Christian principle that it is better to give than to receive.
    I also don’t think we should hold back from encouraging one another to strive to do what is right because there are some who have had negative experiences.

  38. I sort of don’t think it’s about needs, in the sense “if you meet this need in your spouse, you will get this result”.
    I think it’s about serving God.
    If you love your spouse because you love God, not because you expect something in return, then it’s possible to be content despite (or because of) your circumstances.
    I’ve spent a LOT of time reading and praying, I’ve read that book. But it was depressing because no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get my desired result. It’s a fine line between meeting perceived needs and being dishonest. I learned that speaking the truth in love is much more important than sex, because sex can be dishonest if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, and God calls us to honesty (WITH LOVE!)
    I appreciate your point about the internet and relationships. It’s very hard to be responsible with computer time. We are a social sex and the old ways of neighborly chats are disappearing and being replaced by chat rooms. I’m so glad you have challenged me to be responsible with my time. I need that reminder daily.

  39. Thank you Robin for this post and having the courage to write it.
    I’ve been married to the same super wonderful man for 34 years.
    Anyways, I couldn’t wait to get home to read your post again…. it’s been on my mind all day. I especially felt numbers two, five and seven were things I need to work on and discuss with hubby. Perhaps even ask forgiveness. So, with that being said I am going to seize the rest of the evening and ask him to shut off the TV so we can go inside. 😉

  40. For anyone who might be interested, John Piper has a free download of his book, “This Momentary Marriage,” which explores and discusses the eternal significance of every part of marriage, including the sexual relationship. Here’s the link: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/3338_This_Momentary_Marriage/
    Also, Tim Challies did a FANTASTIC job on his blog with the same topic, “The Marriage Sacrament,” found here: http://www.challies.com/christian-living/the-marriage-sacrament
    These were SO good… if only every marriage counselor communicated these things to each young couple, I’m convinced the church, as well as every family, would be stronger.

  41. Thank you so much for your comments. As a Christian wife of almost 30 years I find the things I read to be the most important that both encourage and challenge me. You did both. While we constantly hear of how to get closer to our feelings, and our needs in the world it is a godly thing to help us to lay those down for the feelings of another. Isnt this what God asks us to do anyway ? Why is is so natural for many of us to do it for our children, our friends, our churches, our jobs but when it comes to our husbands our feathers get ruffled. I understand that life is not perfect and many women have endured horrible abuse at the hands of men, and trust is an issue. I also cant help but know in my case there is also CONTROL at the heart of the issue, and that is not from God. I have read the mentioned book and also recommend “Sheet Music”,by Kevin Leman. I will close for now and spend some time with my the one my heart loves.
    May your marriages be blessed!

  42. I am so blessed to know that my husband is my lover. He treats me so well and surprises me so often with taking me into his arms to dance to a song that comes on the radio that we both love or one he begins to hum. I still get stars in my eyes when I look up into his eyes. But there are days when I am exhausted and can’t imagine making love. But it is amazing how his touch can help to awaken my spirit and reenergize me to show him the love and desire that he may be needing at that moment. He respects my needs and is there for me as well. Daily talking about our lives and dreaming together helps us to remain not only best friends but lovers as well. I adore being mom but I LOVE being wife and helpmeet to my hubby as well. The happier we are the happier our children are becoming. I have been sad to hear lately how many of the people that I know don’t have that in their relationships. So many couples have become roommates and cannot figure out why its happened. I am so glad that you followed God’s leading to write this!!! God bless you and all who read it!!!

  43. Wow, Robin! You handled these difficult waters beautifully. I am taking much of your advice to heart. Thank you for stepping out (in)courage and tackling such an important topic! I think I hear husbands everywhere cheering you! Ha!

  44. K ~
    “The web world can not only consume our time, but seriously contaminates our expectations of ourselves, our spouses and others.”
    Ugh…that is SO true! It’s hard to remember that as well as we think we know our online friends, they still only show what they want us to see; it’s only a partial picture that can alter expectation.
    Thank you for chiming in so quickly today and making some points that companion my own. Very well spoken, friend :).
    Marilyn ~
    I haven’t heard that Mr. Rogers quote so THANK YOU for sharing it :).
    It’s funny, but I am still writing this post in my head; there’s so much more I want to say/explain/dialogue. You’re right, though…I am passionate about the subject, which is perfectly ironic, yes? 🙂 (Thanks for your affirmation. 🙂 )
    Erin ~
    Merci beaucoup!!! 🙂
    Heather ~
    I LOVE BRATS!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 But mostly I’m glad you snuck in and chimed in. The reason I titled this post that way was to make sure it was clear I wasn’t condoning sex outside of marriage; that was certainly the simplest way to accomplish it.
    Good for you, too, for filing this kinda thing away for “later”. I guess I feel like I’m a little older, have a bit of perspective I didn’t 20+ years ago, so I want to share that.
    For what it’s worth……..:)

  45. WHOO HOO girl!!! You know we’re on the same page……..it’s not talked about enough and I hear too many, even in the Christian realm who don’t delight in their husband! So thankful that after almost 18 years…..the sex is even better and I look forward to it!!

  46. Anna ~
    {{hugs}} I know there are a lot of reasons for that; by you admitting it “out loud”, don’t you think you can begin to address the “why” of those reasons?
    If we’re honest, I think most bloggers &/or social media enthusiasts have been there; but now when I bring up Twitter at night and see some faces that are there EVERY time I log on….well, I’m just sad.
    Soooo….baby steps. Address the underlying issues. Seek counsel in the words and books that support it (and friends!). I’m praying for you.
    Shelly ~
    You’re welcome :).
    Desiree ~
    I KNOW raising babies can be exhausting in every sense (my oldest was still four when I had my youngest); especially during those years, you’ve got to be intentional. Your comment reminds me to measure my motives against God’s “best” for his babies. I don’t look at his Word as rule-driven, but as freedom-giving! 🙂
    Amy @ Finer Things ~
    OOO LA LA! I hope you DID!!! xoxxx 🙂
    Smockity Frocks ~
    You STILL inspire me with your, um…apparent appetite ;).
    I kid, I kid, but hey, you said it!
    Thank you for your kind words; so glad to have met Mrs. Smockity Frocks!!

  47. Jeanette ~
    Oh, hon…{{hugs}}.
    I believe it’s never too late, okay? You’re trusting feelings right now (and have been for years) and they’re deceptive. I know your situation is complicated. I don’t want to minimize that.
    God is a healer and as long as you’re both breathing there’s HOPE.
    Maybe a new approach will make a difference. Have you heard this definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? (not that I’m calling you crazy 🙂 )
    Feelings follow action; maybe if you try to speak love to your husband in a way he understands (have you discovered each of your Love Languages??), and act on it without expectation, maybe he’ll respond and your feelings will follow your actions. If you consider your motive–not to rekindle romance with your husband but to honor the Lord–maybe you’ll get a different result?
    (NOT trying to sound like I know better than you, and thank you for encouraging others….just trying to offer a thought if it’s a new one to you 🙂 ).
    Jen @ Big Binder ~
    Gosh, Jen, thank you! I’m STILL ridiculously nervous about writing this, but I’m more convinced it was the RIGHT thing to share! 🙂
    HisFireFly ~
    Sometimes I’d rather forget it, ya know? 🙂 (and thank you)
    Karen ~
    A few thoughts (& HUGS!).
    — This is a season…sleep is a GOOD thing! Mama-ing is exhausting at times. Try to make intimate moments that might not include sex; flirting can be REALLY fun and fuel your soul!
    — Try to schedule a date night a few times a month or as often as possible. You need to talk, eye to eye, without wiping noses, faces or behinds and juggling babies. Trade w/a friend if babysitters aren’t an option or maybe find a moms’ day out.
    — As a mom of 3 teens, I believe with all my heart it’s important to never let your babies take precedence over your spouse. Yes, you have to care for them 24/7, yes, they need you in a way your husband doesn’t, but make him the priority over them. My kids know this (always have) and they’ve found security in knowing we “fight” for each other. The best thing we can do for them is to love each other in a way that honor’s God’s intent for marriage.
    Praying for you! (please stay in touch)
    Manda ~
    Well, you just blessed me! I asked “permission” to write this; Holley and Stephanie were brave enough to say yes! Love those (in)courage girls! 🙂

  48. Excellent post, Robin. It breaks my heart to hear of marriages like E’s (above) that seem to be broken. I was there, but through understanding what the Bible said about marriage and fixing MY OWN part, we came out on the other side much happier. Yes, there are still down days, but I actually think that I have the best marriage of any of my local friends. Delight in one another-it’s the best thing for both of you, period.

  49. Thank you, Robin for your quick response! My husband and I were discussing this issue tonight and I posed the question “why does it seem that the world enjoys sex and Christians that are married (and who sex is for) don’t? Do we feel like since the world so emphasizes it we should deemphasize it? That’s not right or Biblical, we should enjoy it as it was intended (which we did by the way for the 2nd night in a row – hasn’t happened in a long time) :). And not abuse it as the world does.
    My only concern as I re-read the post was the “inner sin” portion. Maybe I am just weird but as I am folding laundry or dishes I re-think and re-play things in my head. If my husband told me that he had thought an unclean thought about a woman (especially one I know) that would replay in my mind and resentment would build for her and especially my husband. I feel that thoughts such as those should be handled between the Lord and him. I would not tell him that I thought another man was attractive because of how jealous he would be and how it would hurt him. “for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame (sol. 8:6)” Why not just ask the Lord to help me control my thoughts? I believe that bringing every sinful thought forward would do more damage than good in any marriage. Just my thoughts and I totally agree with the rest.

  50. Thank you for posting this. It was said very well. I am guilty for spending too many alone hours on the laptop, because that’s my only time of the day after the house is quiet. Perhaps I need to turn the laptop off a lot earlier!

  51. Perfectly written. I will admit that I have a secret luvah, but it’s not the computer. It’s sleep. I’m so exhausted that I am out as soon as (or before) I hit the bed. Not conducive to a good sexual relationship!

  52. What do you do when your husband has no sexual interest for most of our 10 year marriage. He says he loves me and is committed for life.
    I feel empty, rejected and trapped. I never read anything about this side of the problem though. I know we can’t be the only couple… right?

  53. No guts – no glory…your words are so true. Thank you. True intimacy requires shedding & sharing. The shedding of one’s inhibitions, distractions, & clothes 🙂 and the sharing of your mind, body & soul. It’s not easy, but it is worth the effort, ladies!! {sleeping naked is a great tip!!}

  54. Hi Robin,
    This was well written and I do agree, but 6 years ago my husband decided that he found me not attractive anymore. I did not know this until approx 6 months ago and we have not had sex for over 6 years. My husband is a dear kind and loving Godly man, but has no desire for me and says that he just decided to not desire to have sex or be tempted. Many years I was kept in the dark over his decisiion and did ask if it was “me” and he would say not it was him. You can only imagine my hurt and how I now feel unattractive to him. Yes, I had gained some weight and so did he but I never lost my feelings of atractiveness for him.
    My husband is 77 yeras old and i am 58 and I still desire a sex life but he does not. I asked him why he did not divorce me and he said he had made a covenant with God and he was not going to break it. ( i also must add He had been married several times before me) He has no desire for counseling and frankly I have no desire for sex with him anymore. I long to be loved and have affection. I will stay true to my marriage as he is a great man and I love him dearly.
    Please al you woman who have a husband who desires and wants you, be thankful and blessed.
    God Bless you!

  55. Once heard in a Bible study about a woman who prayed daily that she would “thrill to his touch, always.”
    It works.

  56. I think you handled this very well. I learned this lesson the hardest way possible about 6 years ago when my husband had a lengthy affair while out of town on business. There were a lot of factors that played into it, but the sex factor was the biggest.
    Tons of prayer, some counseling and 6 years later, we have the best marriage I could ever imagine. I came to the conclusion that for him to feel loved, respected, etc. that I could not EVER deny him. But, I got something unexpected out of it – I now enjoy him more than I ever thought possible and my desire for him is much stronger and deeper than ever before. It might sound silly to say, but sex (and God, of course) completely transformed our marriage.
    Posted anonymously to protect my husband… his request is that I never disclose the affair w/o his consent.

  57. im a man and i subscribe to your daily. this is a great tool. why it was so difficult for you to write or for others to read i dont understand. we are all adults. when you are married you are supposed to have a sex life. its even ok to admit it. you have certainly touched on many items
    quite true regarding men. men and women are meant to compliment and affirm each other.
    that means in and out of bed (and that wasnt difficult for me to say). ladies i suggest, respectfully, that you print this out and hand it to your husbands and ask them to read it. open up a discussion. i know some men dont like to talk, thats ok. ask them for the opinion. ask them to highlight the parts they think are particularly true or false or the parts they want you to understand more. if God made you one then vow to start praying together for each other. matthew 18:19 says where two or more are gathered. this is especially true for a married couple. you are always gathered together, sometimes not so pleasantly. but if you are both gathered together in His name and you both agree on anything-then He promises He is right there with you and Our Father will grant whatever your asking. hold each others hands, look into each others eyes, ask for each other. ask for your marriage, all parts of your relationship. ask for a loving, fulfilling and exciting sex life and work at it. encourage each other be each others best coach and cheerleader. when you touch each other dont just do it for the pleasure but think of how much the other person means to you. ask the Lord to give you feelings that perhaps you havent felt in a while, may a long while. Hes waiting to give them. be patient and encouraging with each other. praise each other. try to enjoy each other even if its difficult sometimes. anyway thats one mans blog. May God give all of you the desires of your hearts not just that your desire will be complete but that His desire in giving this to you will give Him great joy. AMEN

  58. Thank you so much for posting this; it needed to be said. My husband and I have both had previous marriages; both ended due to infidelity on our spouses’ part. But I know in my heart that I could have done so much more to help him feel loved and treasured and to put him before the kids and my job. God calls this to mind when I complain to Him about the lack of tenderness outside of the bedroom in my present marriage.
    My husband was not raised in a hugging home, so our bed is the only place where he really offers the physical intimacy and emotional connection I long for daily. It’s been a struggle for me to be giving in bed when I get so little attention outside of it.
    But the Lord reminds me that I am His plan to provide for my hubby, and that I am to look to the Lord (not to my spouse) to meet my needs. I can’t be Mike’s Holy Spirit, to change him; my job is to be faithful and obedient to God. And the times when our marriage has brought the most joy to me are the times I’ve shared my body most freely with him, because he is so much happier and more joyful and communicative with me outside of the bedroom then. So we both get more of what we want!
    You have really ministered to many women today!

  59. Nicely handled Robin! A challenging topic. I’ve discovered that lots of women don’t want to discuss it… I believe their reticence stems from fear and a lack of knowledge. Books like Feldhahn’s do make a difference. Bravo!

  60. I’m very glad you posted this… it needed to be said. Unfortunately, I think it’ll have to be said again, and again. Hopefully, there are a handful of women who will be brave and address it as you have 🙂
    great job.
    I actually LOVE this subject! Yeah, I’m weird. But my husband sure is happy 😉
    amy in peru

  61. This post is a much needed reminder. I am in the first trimester of my 3rd pregnancy and even though I am feeling tired and queasy I still want to please my man! I want his eyes to remain on me and never need to wander to another.

  62. I’m curious for any thoughts about women who have constant physical pain.
    I have mod/severe Fibomyalgia w/migraines (etc.). I hurt. A lot. All the time. I have to ‘plan’ for love-making in advance so that I time my pain medication. Side-effects of anti-depressants (already mentioned earlier) and, in my case daily morphine, don’t help stoke the ‘desire fire’. Example: I’ve spent the last 3 days with a migraine, waking up in the middle of the night cringing when he came close. Now, I must admit, I’m writing during a ‘low’, p.m.s.-laced moment, but, as you can imagine, physical touch is 99.9% unpleasant (to say the least). I actually feel quite badly for my husband. He is quite deprived of the marriage-bed. I truly DO, often make efforts (despite the pain), but they are really a drop in the bucket. But God…God is indeed the Healer and my hope is indeed in Him. I do not see a redemption here, but He does.
    Another issue (just in case any other un-married’s ‘sneak in’ 😉 ), is the reaping of pre-marital “encounter’s”. We do indeed reap what we sow, in God’s economy. It has taken PRAYER, repentance, prayer, and totally God’s work in redeeming ‘the year’s the locust had eaten.’ HE has been faithful, but oh, how wonderful to have obeyed Him , and stayed pure right from the beginning (I was not a Christian then, but still knew right from wrong).
    These are weighty issues and I guess my over-arching prayer is that of Brenda Nuland’s (of Coffee, Tea, Books & Me):
    “These I leave to the Creator in a Romans 8:28 kind of way… please weave even my mistakes into something Beautiful.”
    ~ a bruise’d reed

  63. I’m so glad someone else is writing about this. Thank you so much for taking the time to put it into words so very thoughtfully.
    One of the commitments I made when I got married was to always go to bed at the same time as my husband. Even if we don’t do anything but hang out in bed reading together, it’s good to just be together.
    Thank you again for writing this.

  64. Ladies I know this gal and she does promote that the husband cherish his wife…he is going to want to cherish her and talk to her more if she gives him the need as described…I’ve seen it many times in my marriage of 15 years, and it works the other way. Just because Robin didn’t mention this doesn’t mean she wouldn’t implore the men to pour into their wives emotionally; I know she would. And I know her husband would, too. I spoke with you today, but thanks again Robin! RE-post this many times over your life!!

  65. I am glad you had the courage to write about this subject. I have recently read another very good blog on this subject from Tim Challis his wife wrote a segment for women on his blog. It was also very good. Thank you.

  66. Fantastic post, Robin. I’m commenting just to go on record as another Christian woman who loves sex, loves flirting with my husband and being sexy for him, isn’t ashamed for people to know it, and doesn’t understand why in the world some Christians act like sex and Christianity don’t go together. Heck, I’ve actually prayed during sex. Like, “Ouch, God, that hurt! Please show me how to adjust so it doesn’t!” Or, “Oh Father, allow me to show my husband how much I love him!” Or, “Lord, I’m really tired and/or sidetracked! Please help me so I can enjoy this!” God’s right there anyway…why do we try to separate Him from this?
    Anyway, as for Christians not talking about sex… in my opinion WE SHOULD BE SETTING THE EXAMPLE TO THE WORLD, HERE! I mean, maybe the world wouldn’t have gotten so mixed up about sex if Christians had been able to advertise how great it is, when kept the way He intended it. Hehehehee.
    So…for those of you who wonder why Christians act ashamed to talk about sex…we’re not all that way. 🙂 In fact, I belong to a church where the pastor occasionally has to check to make sure there aren’t kids in the audience. Let’s just say…it’s a good thing his wife doesn’t embarrass easily. I suppose it’s a good thing for the rest of us, too, ’cause he’s good at picking on anyone (who’s not a visitor or someone that he doesn’t already know wel) in the audience on anything…even if the subject is sex!
    For those of you who have severe pain, my heart aches for you. Your Savior and Comforter and Healer has an answer for you, I know, though I don’t know what it is. (((hugs)))

  67. Katie,
    This is SO true!!!:
    “God’s right there anyway…why do we try to separate Him from this?”
    I pray while love-making too!!!:
    “Heck, I’ve actually prayed during sex. Like, “Ouch, God, that hurt! Please show me how to adjust so it doesn’t!” Or, “Oh Father, allow me to show my husband how much I love him!” Or, “Lord, I’m really tired and/or sidetracked! Please help me so I can enjoy this!”
    and, thank you so much for the (((hugs))!!!
    a bruise’d reed

  68. Beautifully written! Just the other night I recalled something that Beth Moore said, regarding intimacy with our husbands. She was saying how tired and distracted we can become, and that sex becomes so far down on our priorities. She suggested praying and asking the Lord that He would help us “thrill to his (my husband’s) touch”. On my more exhausting days, this has truly helped! Thanks again for being so courageous in posting this.

  69. I needed to hear this. But most importantly my husband needs to hear it too. It’s him on the computer until wee hours of the morning with other women. I’ve begged and asked him to stop. He says “we’re just friends”, I say “I know its nothing physical, but its getting in the way of us being physical.” The hurt is so deep.
    I am encouraged by the words of some of the women saying they had hard season’s in their marriage and survived. I’m hopeful but so hurt.
    Thanks for your comments…

  70. #5 is the hardest one for me. Thank you for such a well written post spoken in love. Fantastic job and something all married women need to know. I’ve heard Shaunti speak before and my eyes were definitely opened to alot of things then.
    I really liked Elaine’s comment as well!

  71. It’s surprising to me that I’ve read no mention of how beautiful Natural Family Planning can make your “Love” Life. At the beginning of our marriage my husband and I used artificial contraception. After a couple of years, we began our family. During that time we learned about and wanted to follow NFP. We had no need to practice for a few more years, however, as we were still having children. Now, 5 children later, we have decided through much prayer to take a little “break”. Ladies, I am here to tell you that it’s like we’re newlyweds. It’s such a natural way God created to pull us to each other! And when we do FINALLY come together after my fertile time, you understand the true blessing of one person giving themselves completely to the other, just as Christ completely gave Himself to His Church. My husband waits for me every month; we have to talk intimately EVERY MONTH about desires for our family, our lives; and then we reunite in the grandest of ways!! I can’t wait for the time when we’ll be ready to have another baby, not because we’ll be able to make love “whenever we want”, but because the baby will be a physical manifestation of our struggles of lust/love/conquering/giving. This is NOT about sex. Animals have SEX. People, made in the image of God, LOVE.

  72. So I have to share this because it just sums up what you have written and I have been dying to tell someone!
    A few weeks ago I got up at around 3 AM to use the restroom. I generally sleep in a tank top and panties and for some reason, I chose to just leave my underwear and go back to bed in just a tank top. I wasn’t thinking — I was tired and just did it. The next morning (or that same morning) my husband asked me why I had come back to bed without underwear….! It was 3 AM and he was SOUND ASLEEP when I got out of bed, but he noticed my lack of underwear. 🙂 He said he was confused and couldn’t figure out if I was trying to send him a signal or something… at 3 AM! LOL Text book case of the fact that men are wired so differently than we are!

  73. Thanks for this awesome, well said post!
    You didn’t offended me but the toes were stepped on a bit. 🙂
    I started my blog a couple of years ago without really any input from my hubby. Then about a 1 1/2 years ago, hubby gave me a “bombshell” that rocked my marriage world life and since that time I have worked at slowly finding a good balance between online life and my real life(hubby, & kids). Needless to say it has been difficult but I think I am finding my balance. I stay offline when hubby is home so I can give him the attention that he needs. 🙂

  74. I loved your post and think you are right on. I did read the one concern…but don’t believe your intent is to say all the pressure is on the wife to make herself available to her husband….and expect nothing in return. I know from our own marriage – 20 years this summer, when I make my husband feel loved, adored and that I am attracted to him physically – he melts. Our husbands need our respect and our love. The book, The Five Love Languages helped us a lot years ago. We all give and receive love in different ways. I think its important to keep in mind, it’s a cycle. When things are going well between us physically, things go better emotionally….and when things are going well emotionally…..things are better physically. In other words, when we do our part as wives to give ourselves fully to our husbands, it will return to us. But the bottom line, we must love our men without condition…..and not play games by holding out – and you know what I mean.

  75. Having just had this conversation with my husband…having just realized that my laptop is my best friend…having just cried many tears because I don’t know what to do since I can’t change my sweet husband and he can’t seem to talk or open to me…having just withheld relations for six weeks while waiting for him to show me some intimacy so that I can show him some…having just stumbled upon Paul’s unknown afflication again and his justification of his pain by saying that when he is weak, God is strong. That I can show intimacy to my husband who can’t show it to me because God has brought this to my heart as my suffering that I lay down at His cross. That if I wait for my husand to respond first, I am not being obedient to what I know. And, like the Bible says, I may win over my husband by my behavior. Thank you for your timely post. I’m sure that it will bless many lives.

  76. awesome talk today.
    I feel like I was spoken too, I have been married 36 years and I am 55 years old. This topic has not been easy because of my broken background before we got married.
    The other night I fell asleep at the computer in the chair and woke up at 3:30 am… and I began to feel sad that I was not ‘where I should be.’ Most nights we rarely go to sleep together since my hubby goes to bed at 8:30 and I go to bed near 11. I would be staring at the ceiling at 2am wide awake if I went to bed that early.
    So it is a challenge to keep the fires burning… thank you for being brave enough to share this VERY important topic.

  77. To those of you who cannot relate to this post, be thankful. And, try to find some compassion for those of us who can relate. This topic needs to be spoken about more. Each couple will have different circumstances, but the need is the same. Thank you, Robin, for addressing this issue.

  78. I have a question!
    I’m about to get married in a month or so, and our marriage counselor suggested that my fiance and I find a good book to read about sex within marriage. Something written from a Christian perspective, preferrably… any suggestions?

  79. I have read entire books that were not as clear, as gentle, or as true as this brief post. My husband and I have struggled through a lot of tough issues and painful honesty in this area, and I think that you have beautifully highlighted every lesson we have learned the hard way. I hope and pray that future decades of our marriage will be more “enjoyable” than the past one was. 🙂

  80. What do you do when your husbands lover is the computer?…LOL and his desire is for any and everything in a tight pair of pants, I mean really.

  81. I try talking to him about it. I have noticed some improvement with the computer issue but the other issue remains the same. Often I question myself, maybe I need to grow, be more mature about it, besides I can’t controll his eyes…lol..