I watched a science fiction television series in which a major character grappled with her identity–literally. She and others questioned whether she was truly human. At one point, out of sheer frustration she tearfully screamed,
Angela Nazworth is a shame-fighting storyteller who writes mostly about the beauty of grace, faith, friendship, vulnerability and community. She is a wife and a mother of two. Angela's also an encourager, a lover of good books, coffee, girl's night out, sunshine, and waterfalls. In the 15 years since she...
this really hit home with me. I have been struggling the past 3 yrs. asking “who am I”. I lost my job of 22 yrs. a little over 7 yrs. ago. I have done nothing but jump from job to job since. Not good!!
Lisa H. says
As I was reading this I kept saying why is she writing about me? How can she know this is my story also?
Lies and fears and memories have stopped me in my tracks for a very very long time. The past 2 1/2 years or so I have spent talking with one of our ministers at church trying to work through things. She has encouraged over the time for me to get ‘professional’ counseling. I have pushed back saying no–I’m not allowed to discuss me and my problems with anyone-even her- but God put her in my life and has orchestrated this relationship so that I would have ONE person here that I can trust completely. After my ex-husband moved out this past December and I have worked through the emotions of sharing our kids it seems all the other STUFF from my life/past have finally bombarded me again. I am not fixated on trying to save my marriage any longer, its over. Now it was time to fix me! I called the psychologist my friend recommended to me. HUGE step for me, I’ve been 3 times, another HUGE step. I hate every minute of it but I promised her I would try- I wont let her down. I have no idea who I am since I feel I’ve lost all my identity somewhere in all my problems.I know God loves me but like you said above, I often think He cant love me as much as others–I’m to much of a mess for that. As much as I want to give up and hide again in my cave of fears, I am trying to stay just outside the door of it and one day maybe I will walk away from it.
Sheri Bowers says
I was just talking to my co-worker on Friday about my journey on discovering who I am. Then I found you speaking on this same thing. I believe the Lord speaks to us and has his plan for us but we need to be in tune to Him so we can hear our shepherd speaking to us.
As a younster I have memories of always wanting to be someone else. We had no money, all of us kids (4) were always very dirty, our home was dirty, and I just did not like myself or my surroundings. We were left home alone ALOT….anyway that is the path were I have come from. However growing into an adult and having 4 children of my own I still found me wanting to be someone else. It wasn’t until recently as I was reading through Proverbs. I discovered that I want to be who God made me to be and no one else!! I know as we read the Word we try to be more like Him and that is the plan of our Jesus. I am finding as I strive (though come very short) to be a Proverbs 31 wife, mother, and daughter of Jesus my life is so freeing!!! The bible says a good wife is hard to find and is more valuable than rubies. It is like a breath of fresh air! I love taking care of my husband, children, and home. I can tell you as a 43 yr old woman it is so nice to know who I am now and what my purpose is here on earth!
Thank you for posting this message!! Your writing ability is beautiful and if I can enourage you to keep doing what your doing!! So many are listening to what you say.
I am so, so glad you shared this. I “waved the white flag of defeat” 5 months ago and am also “becoming.” I hopped over to your blog and read the whole story, and just wept because I KNOW what it feels like. In God’s perfect timing, once I had finally given in to needing medication and could do something other than lay at the bottom of the pit, the Bible study group I’m in started Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” study–such a great follow-up to rock bottom that really helped me work through some stuff. Again, THANK YOU for sharing!
Becoming yourself is truly difficult. Others try to define you. Some try to use you. Expectations abound. As a child of alcoholics, I ran into a skewed vision of myself–tried to fix everyone so I would finally have whole parents to love me. I didn’t find that truth by myself–a counselor’s insight removed the scales from my eyes and let me see what I was doing. Since then, I have been trying to be who I felt I should be and live the way I felt I should in the light of God’s love. It’s been difficult, and there have been critics who stopped me for a while–wounded me and left me spinning into the pit of dispair. But…the good news is God met me in the pit and lifted me up and dusted me off and showered me with His love whispering to continue on living from the message of His love. So I continue. He pulls away the lies from my ears and replaces them with His truth and I begin to experience a love that sets me free. Keep on reaching for His love. It is real and it is healing and it is mighty. I like this saying because it reminds me of God’s love–
Charissa Steyn says
Thank you so much for your transparency! I too have gone through big changes in the past few months- and have to battle that feeling that God loves me less, or that I don’t know who I am, and I feel like a monster….
Knowing our identity is a lifelong process!! A beautiful one though:)
We are the same people. I too have battled the exact same issues you have. It totally sucks! I have been up and down and currently take meds and am doing really well. Acceptance was a big thing for me. I think I finally accept who I am!
Thank you so much for having the courage to write about this. It took me years to even talk to my husband about it. I have dealt with this off and on for 10 years. I am in a place now where I can talk to people about it and open up more.
You are being used by God! Keep it up!
Very beautiful, and honest post. It resonates for me as well. It isn’t always easy when we are surrounded by so much telling us who we should be, look like, act like, etc., to accept ourselves as we are, and importantly, who God created us to be. Often I haven’t felt like I deserve His forgiveness and love, but just today I learned that by not accepting His grace, then I am not keeping my heart completely open to Him. Thank you for your writings and couragous heart.
I can’t say much – only thank you, Angela. This is an amazing post, and I needed to read it.
Thank you for sharing this. Last week I attended a More about Jesus Seminar where I learned that What Jesus want most is our friendship. Jesus wants us to spend time daily with Him reading from His Word especially about Jesus and then applying it to our lives; spending time in prayer– journalling our prayers helps slow us down so God can speak to us. After this we need to share with others what Jesus is doing in our lives. Today I poured out to God my need for more grocery money. When my husband woke up he gave me some money that someone gave to him to meet our needs a few days ago. Praise the Lord!
Wow, eloquently written. My thoughts exactly. Why do I stumble over who I am and don’t believe that God loves me as much as He must love so-and-so at church. I am an artist. I write but I feel so much fear in sharing my talents that I often hide them because I’m afraid someone else will think they are terrible. If a lie is thrown my way, I believe it. I am working on this. One minute at a time. With Christ ALL things are possible. I can do it, through Him that is in me….
Debra Bacon says
This post came right on time for me! God is an on time God for sure. I had an incident occur this weekend that brought me to my knees in despair as it made me question who I really was. As a pastor’s wife things can always challenge your faith and test your character. However, I reacted in a way where I felt so out of control of myself and the situation. Pondering it and praying over it made me realize I am trying to change people instead of myself. I need those areas in my life worked out that I did not know were there. David said “create in me a clean heart O God, and renew within me a right spirit.” I bow before the master of the wind today, accept His mercy and grace and am asking Him to do the same for me.
Thank you for the post.
What a beautiful blog post. Thank you so much. I’m off to go have my Starbuck moment.
Bernadette Havice says
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been feeling like this for a long time. Lately, I am hearing this message alot. Jesus does love me and I am not an exception. He really loves me. Oh, how I have needed to accept this. Thank you, Thank You.
I completely relate to the words you’ve written. I have such an overwhelming desire in my heart to write and teach other women the lessons I have learned and continue to learn. However, there’s been a voice that continues to tell me I’m unqualified and simply not good enough. Like you, I believed in God, but I didn’t quite believe Him. I was certain His promises didn’t include me. I made myself “special” in the worst way possible. I’m breaking free of this lie now, as well, and I do feel like a newly blooming flower in spring time. I’m excited about life and more excited about the women I’ll get to share my experiences with.