I only stood because no chair could hold me. My legs shook visibly from the trembling sensation radiating from my waist down to my toes. I balled my fingers tight into fists and held them close to my chest in an effort to stop pinching my neck. I did not wish to appear even less stable, although next to the confession I had just made, I do not think it would have mattered. Beside me, my husband exhaled slowly and shifted his weight from foot to foot as he absorbed the words my psychiatrist spoke to him about me.
“This situation has dangerously escalated. If there has ever been the time to use the term nervous breakdown, it is now. Your wife needs to either be hospitalized or put under the close care of family members. If you are unable to make a decision, I am prepared to send staff from the local psychiatric hospital to your home this afternoon to have her committed.”
A nervous breakdown. A serious term often tossed about casually in every day conversation. But in this case, it was not a figure of speech, it was my reality. I had entered a state of mind where functioning was barely possible.
A place blanketed by feelings of shame and hopelessness.
A place dominated by confusion, fear, and self loathing.
A place I found myself in when I was more than wounded…more than broken.
A place that collects the shattered.
A combination of Perinatal Mood Disorders, including Postpartum Depression and the lesser known Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Postpartum Anxiety Disorder led to my breakdown. It was my second battle.
And this battle was even more severe than the first, which in my darkest moment found me lying on my living room floor in a literal puddle of my own tears plotting ways to end my life while making it appear accidental. That time I received just enough help to function. Just enough to fool me and those around me into thinking that I had it all together.
I think the fact that I did not receive enough help and intervention during my first perinatal struggles led to the intensification of my second battle, the battle that alarmed even a psychiatrist. The symptoms the second time around were very similar to what I had experienced after my daughter’s birth. Both times my symptoms:
* Manifested during pregnancy and lingered after the births of my babies.
* Included panic attacks. For instance, I could barely breath each time I entered a grocery store. And every time I stood within a few feet from my kitchen sink I became sweaty and cold , concerned that I would get my hand caught in our garbage disposal.
* Left me feeling easily agitated and emotional. I would hold my baby and cry to the point of convulsions due to the intense love I felt only to seconds later angrily scream profanities at my husband for reasons neither of us understood.
* Interfered with my sleeping patterns. Exhaustion plagued me during my pregnancies and postpartum days and I easily drifted to sleep. However, staying asleep, especially at night became a problem. Each time I awakened to go to the bathroom or tend to the baby I tossed and turned anxiously for hours instead of falling back into slumber.
* Included irrational fears that I would hurt my husband or children. These fears always started with the words “what if” and left me questioning my sanity as well as the safety of my family. “What if I accidentally dropped my baby out of a second story window?” What if I dropped her on purpose?” “What if I grabbed a hammer and smashed it against my husbands skull as he slept?” “What if I tossed my infant into the swimming pool and walked away?” And countless other unnerving what if questions.
I need to pause and make a very clear distinction. I never wanted to do those things. I knew they were wrong. I desperately loved my babies. This added to my shame and confusion.
I didn’t know then what I now know.
I didn’t know that the fact that I recognized that those thoughts were wrong meant that I was not insane.
I didn’t realize that my hormones were out of control and that I had a very real illness.
Instead I thought that there had to be a monster lurking inside of me. I thought that if I could think those thoughts that I was capable of atrocity. I believed that my children would be much better off to not have a mother than having me for their mother.
Stopping the thoughts became an obsession. The other symptoms were terrifying enough, but to have an innumerable string of obsessive thoughts circulating my conscious was unbearable. During my first battle I thought the only way to end the thoughts and keep my family safe was to end my life. The first time I had lied to my family doctor about the severity of my symptoms afraid that she would take my baby from me. I only told her that I was feeling moody and depressed and asked for a low dosage antidepressant that did lift the edge.
Intent on keeping the promise I made to my husband about not committing suicide I looked for another solution during my second battle. The antidepressants I took did not seem to help much at all and I thought that if I could just alleviate some stress from my life that I would be able to cope. I prayed, I sought out counselors, I changed my diet, but still I felt myself melting. I thought of running away, but could not bring myself to leave. However, thinking about how many people depended upon me was almost suffocating and led me to make terrible choices. While I did not physically try to harm myself, my husband, or my children, the choices I made were indeed terrible enough to require psychiatric intervention.
Due to the young age of my breast feeding infant, my husband and I chose the option of me and our kids staying with family instead of hospitalization. We went to where my family lives for about 4 weeks and I remember very little of that time.
Many times during my battle I felt like a failure. A failure as a woman, a wife, a mother and a Christian. I felt like I didn’t have the faith I needed to get better.
And then, a new perspective came to me and I honestly believe that it came through prayer. I decided that I was going to deal with my Perinatal Mood Disorders in the same manner I would deal with learning I had cancer.
How would I react if I learned I had cancer? I would fight it by researching medications, changing my diet if recommended, soliciting the advice from trained medical professionals, seeking support from others, and most importantly, I would pray and listen to my Father’s voice. And that is what I did during my final battle with Perinatal Mood Disorders. In moments like I faced, there is no guide more suitable than the Good Shepherd.
My battles with Perinatal Mood Disorders are behind me as I have been symptom free for two years. I now enjoy my children and being a mom. However, my story is still with me, and although it is a difficult story to share, it is one I can share without shame. It is one I can share willingly knowing that by doing so others may be helped. If you or someone you love is experiencing any of the symptoms I wrote about or additional symptoms that cause concern, please do not hesitate to tell your story to a healthcare professional.
Please remember that no matter how dark it seems, the light of hope exists. During this week, there will be more stories and resources regarding Perinatal Mood Disorders at Becoming Me.
by Angela Nazworth, Becoming MeLeave a Comment
Thank you, Angela, for the courage to share your story.
Kristen@Moms Sharpening Moms says
Angela, you are courageous and beautiful, and your story moves me beyond words. Thank you for sharing it so others can be encouraged to seek help unashamedly. God bless you, lovely lady!
thank you so much for stepping out in faith and sharing your story in a real, honest, raw way. i am so thankful to have been able to glean from your story and to know a little more.
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
You are brave… Jesus-made-brave.
I give thanks for you, Angela….
Beverly @ The Buzz says
While sharing this may have been difficult, take comfort in the knowledge that you have undoubtedly helped countless others. All of us have some kind of battle we’re facing. Thank you for sharing yours.
Marilyn @ As Good A Day as Any says
You have honored your readers with your transparency. If your post helps even ONE mother, then it helps a family, a community ……
I’m grateful to inCourage for creating spaces where this type of story can be told.
Some of you may like to check out BringChange2Mind.org, a move to eradicate the shame that keeps people from getting real help.
You will touch many, many lives with this testimony, Angela. Even if those suffering are too weak/confused to read it, someone who loves her will see it and maybe get help. We need to dare to hope for the hopeless.
Angela, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I watched a friend of mine go through so much of what you are describing. None of us understood it, and none of us knew what to do. We nearly lost her. Thank you for being honest and thank you for putting a name and face to a killer that can be stopped with the right tools and help. Bless you!!!
pamela ponder says
thanks for sharing your story I suffered from all this fro PTSD, it almost ruined my life till I totally put it in God’s hand, trudted the doctors I know he guided me too, its a hard diesease that alot of people just tink your crazy but its not the case it is the same as if you where given a diagnosisof cancer or diabetes thanks for putting this out there and God Bless You!
deb @talk at the table says
Thank you for being authentic . For sharing your reality so that others may feel validated in their own pain or suffering. And for showing that one step at a time with hope can bring healing and joy.
What an amazing mother and wife and woman you are.
This young woman used to baby-sit my children, lets say, a ‘few years’ ago. Quiet, shy and always carrying her bible she would show up on a Friday for countless hours of sitting, watching, reading and bathing. Not only did the kids adore her, she would pick up or do the few dishes in the sink before settling in and reading her bible.
I read her story and it brought tears to my eyes. She is not only full of courage, she is the sunshine in everyone she touches. I am proud of you for sharing this Angie. You are a remarkable woman.
Ellen S. says
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. I went through a similiar time after my second pregnancy, the shame and confusion was so overwhelming that I could not function. The blessing I see looking back now is that it drew me into a much closer relationship with God, for that I am truly grateful.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for sharing your story. I had Postpartum Depression with my second daughter. I believe so strongly that we HAVE to share our stories, because when we do other people know that there is hope. Thank you for the hope I know that you are providing for so many women today.
What an amazing story. In your picture, you look so beautiful. Sometimes, it is so difficult to realize people suffer so deeply. Some scars are not visible as we look into each human face. I am so glad your story has a happy ending and your family’s love surrounded you during this very difficult time. Your story gives much encouragement to others who suffer. Thank you for sharing it.
Jenni Saake "InfertilityMom" says
Thank you for so bravely sharing your journey. Praising God for His faithfulness in your life. While my journey was not as intense, my pregnancy with our daughter eight years ago and the next two years after her birth were very hard. I can only imagine what it must have been like to live your story.
I was recently allowed to preview a manuscript by Jerusha Clark called “Living Beyond Postpartum Depression: Hope and Help for the Hurting Mom and Those Around Her” that will be published by NavPress next month. I think you would really appreciate Jerusha’s approach as well, very much in keeping with the “how would I handle this if I had cancer” ideas! Her website is http://www.jerushaclark.com/jerushaclark.com/Bio.html in case you two want to connect. (I also forwarded your post along to her as I know Jerusha will be blessed by your story as well.)
I recently added Incourage to my Facebook and saw this link and knew I had to read. I am at that point of my life of where I am spinning out of control and the anxiety meds, anti-depressants, nothing is working. I am in constant emotional pain, anger and feel as if everyone would be better off without me although in the depth of my heart I know is false. My children keep me going but I am at a point in my life of needing to make some major changes and I know once I reach my goals I think alot of this will go away…at least I hope it will. Thank you for sharing.
This post spoke to my heart in many ways. I’ve struggled with depression for different reasons off and on for years now. It’s a very hard place to be and one that I’m still learning how to deal with at times. Thank you for sharing your story.
Allison McLendon says
Thank you so much Angela for being transparent and telling your story. My story is very similar to yours. A little different, but the same in so many ways.
I truly believe with all my heart by you being open about this, others will come to know Christ for the first time or deepen their relationship with Him. It takes courage to do what you have done. Courage. Brave. Strong. Authentic. The Lord redeems and restores. Glory be to God:)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
In Christ Alone,
I am so glad that you were able to come forward and share-I know it was important to you, and that it will important in the lives of many women. I had a bit of post-partum anxiety after each of the kidlets and though what I went through wasn’t the same as what you did I feel encouraged by the story of your journey. Thank you.
Wow. Right on time. I have 2 boys 14 months apart. When they were smaller, the youngest just walking, I was beside myself. My husband works 12 hour shifts so he was either at work or sleeping so he could go to work most of the time. I was melting down similar to what you described. I also got just enough help, counseling without meds, to lift the edge. But now some other life issues (elderly father w/ alzhimer’s)are cranking up the stress levels and I see myself headed back down that path. Thanks for letting me know that even though no one I know has dealt with this, I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one. What a Godsend.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Wow, Angela. Thank you for the courage to share your story. Several of my family members have battled depression (and still do). I’ve touched the edge of it myself, but nothing like what you described. I’m so thankful you are safely on the other side of these experiences, and so grateful that you’re willing to share with us.
What an encouraging story. I have chronic Lyme Disease and suffer from panic attacks and some of the other symptoms you mentioned here. Unfortunately, the only way to get rid of mine is to get rid of the Lyme, a profoundly difficult task. It’s encouraging to know I’m not the only one who has gone through symptoms like these, however different the cause. God bless you!
Thank you for putting into words exactly what it feels like to suffer from an anxiety disorder and being a mom. I have struggles with anxiety before and after both my kids where born. During the attacks, i would question my sanity and suitability as a mother.
Thank you for reminding me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and for educating those who have not experienced this illness.
Thank you for your courage and compassion in sharing your story.
Angela, your words and your story provide hope that light emerges from darkness. Thank you for freely sharing hope and courage.
Angela, thank you for sharing your story. It’s amazing what our trials can bring forth as blessings, in helping others who are going through their own. You are such an inspiration to many, I am sure. Hugs…
Angela, thank you for sharing your story. It’s amazing what our trials can bring forth as blessings, in helping others who are going through their own. You are such an inspiration to many, I am sure. Hugs…
What a great post.
My daughter suffered from postpartum depression after her first child was born. She experienced bizarre behavior where she was like the energizer bunny for about a week and then crashed. She didn’t have that happen with her other children but it was quite frightening.
I experienced severe panic attacks after my son was born. Thankfully, I had a wise doctor who realized they were brought about by hormone changes and assured me once hormones adjusted, I would be much better.
Young moms need more women who are willing to share their stories (like you)so they know they are not alone and help is available.
Melissa Multitasking Mama says
Thank you for having the courage to share your story! I have suffered on/off with major depression for many years and so many times fellow Christians don’t get it and blame it on an insufficient walk with Christ. Good for you for proclaiming truth!
Kelly Welch says
I was so touched by your story…..having experienced mild symptoms of what you described, I can only imagine what it was like when they were so much stronger and severe. I am so glad that you have walked thru healing. There is a book I read by Joseph Prince, pastor of New Creation Church in Singapore. It is called “Unmerited Favor” and it is all about His grace and how precious we are to Him. I don’t know if it would help anyone in depression, but where I am at now, it has been such a joy to see how delighted God is with me, and with scriptures to back it up. It is a most positive experience, and as a church goer for over 35 years, can I say I have NEVER heard anyone teach the bible like this guy can? I was telling a friend about it, and she said, “Will it make me FEEL any better about myself…..?” with a wistful air. I told her it most assuredly would (Pastor Prince tells people not to boast about their love for God, but boast about His love for them, and then he shows it to you in the word). She devoured it, and is sharing it with others now. If you ever need to have be reminded that Gods love is with you, this book is 4 you
I know this may sound odd coming from someone you’ve never met, but I am so proud of you. Not just for telling your truth, but for looking an illness squarely in the eye and doing whatever it took to be well for your family. There are so many stigmas attached to too many avenues of professional help. I have no doubt you have helped many today.
Katherine Stone @ Postpartum Progress says
Great post Angela. I will be linking to it tomorrow on Postpartum Progress. Thank you for your courage.
Michele Barron says
WoW! You just told my story. Only I was not wise enough, or courageous enough to seek the help I needed. It was easy to get people to believe I was depressed, but no one wanted to believe that it was hormonal or from the pregnancies. I still have not found a healthcare provider that will really look into hormones as a problem for someone my age. My last child was born 5 years ago, and I am much better today, but I still struggle around time for my monthly period. My family and I are moving to Columbus, OH in a few weeks. I pray that with a bigger city and more resources, maybe I can find the final path to full recovery. Thank you for telling your story.
This is exactly what happened to me.Except I could never sleep. I have also come to view PPOCD/PPD as a chronic and possibly terminal illness that requires constant vigilance. I did everything I had to, even if I didn’t like it and I’ve been asymptomatic for 4 months. I never thought I would feel like a normal person again. But I do. I felt completely alone though. Even though I knew God was with me, I felt alone. I’m still a little pissed about that. When I needed God the most all I got was silence.
Krista Akerberg says
I’m in the midst of my breakdown.
It’s so cold and lonely.
It shouldn’t be me; I’m a good Christian girl
yet the depression and anxiety rages on
I love my babies and would give my life for them
why is this such a taboo subject amongst christians
it takes all my joy away
Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety. I can relate all too well the feeling of failure as a mom during that time. Only when we are completely honest and talk opening about these issues will more women feel less ashamed and seek help.
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thank u for sharing ur life. im crying now, thanking God i’m not alone, im not the only one going thru the same thing. i havve 3 daughters, 18,10 and 5yrs old. im a Christian since 1986, im 41 yrs old, pastor’s wife, im a friendly, animated woman who loves to make people laugh. last year, november, our house keeper left & i was left w/ all the chores,(although my husband is a great team mate), i also work as a radio broadcaster mondays-fridays, i handle 2 women small grps & lead worship also. i do event hosting esp weddings. last nov i had 3 weddings, last december 27-30, i had weddings each day,january of this year 3 weddings. So before each event, i had to tidy up the house, oversee the family, write scripts for each wedding, meet the couples to be wed, after each event, i had to tidy up the house again. Then last Jan.24 this year, i suddenly had it. cold hands & feet, my heart was beating so fast, i had the urge to run & fear set in. It has been on and off since then, i couldn’t sleep at night,im praying for a Christian psychiatrist