I drown the pain with coffee and a computer.
I soothe myself with the warmth,
and I write.
My husband sleeps.
My guilt grows.
My ache continues.
Intimacy = fear = an empty bed.
Desperate.
I turn cold. I get angry. I run.
Can anyone relate?
Am I the only one who has to deal with the spirit scars of lust?
Am I the only one who struggles with marital intimacy being good…being pure?
I know the truth. I know that God designed intimacy and I know that is good, but I can't seem to connect that truth with my spirit.
Because
my spirit was in the same body that was used and used others.
Because
my spirit has wounds that still bleed.
How do you connect your spirit to your body? How do you make truth sink into your very being and let it become real?
How?
Friends, the mountain standing before me is so high, so rocky, and so threatening that I don't even know how to climb it. I don't know if I even can climb it.
All I know is that on the other side of that mountain is freedom.
Healing. Redemption. Forgiveness.
And I want it.
And I know that He is offering it.
I just don't know how to get it.
Read Part 2 here.
Photo Credit: Sad Woman
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I absolutely adore this piece. I read it first thing this morning, and have been mulling it over. It speaks such truth, that I think a lot of us have felt. I still struggle with these same issues today.
I’m so looking forward to the second part!
I struggle, too. Post-abortion traumatic stress syndrome lasts a lifetime. I can’t look at sex the same way and it’s been 11 years. I understand what you are going through. All the fornicating I did pre-marriage has ruined me, but thankfully I can leave those scars at the cross each time they haunt me and renew my relationship with my body. God bless.
Yup Im there with ya! I would give almost anything to have the special bond with my husband sexually that God meant for us to have. But alas because of the sexual promiscuity that I engaged in before marriage this is something I can never have now. But I can have healing, I can use the brokenness, God has used that brokenness in me for the better. Thank you for sharing!
Yes! This, I know, is a burden for so many – for me.
I can’t wait to see your next post. Thanks, babe.
Very thought provoking.
2 Corinthians 5:17 “If any man be in Christ he [she :0)!] is a new creation! The old has passed away behold the new has come!”
Praying for you all to experience freedom from past traumas and to trust in Him more each moment. Also prayed for your marriages. We need Him so badly in these times of struggle. Thank you for the opportunity to pray for you all.
Sister sista, oh how you are not alone.
I often tell my husband that men have their eyes, but women have their mind.
Thank you for your transparency. This is very real. All of our fears leave us empty somewhere, don’t they?
I actually prayed about it. My body was not responding as I thought it should have been to my husband. I knew that one reason was because I had not been honest with him about my pre-marital sexual activity. I’d told him that he had been my first. Therefore, I had to “fake” it sometimes by not giving my self fully to him. I held back because I thought that he would think something was up if I moved a certain way or even suggested a different position.
Next, sexual abuse plays a part as well. Sometimes he couldn’t touch me a certain way without my body completly shutting down because of the memories it brought up.
Then, there’s infidelity. My mind would constantly focus on comparing myself to the other woma, “Did she do it like this? If so, I’d better stop ’cause I don’t want him thinking about her.” And there are other thoughts as well.
My point is, I know you know it all starts in our minds. So we have to get that stuff out of there. For me, it was prayer, I mean, it is prayer.
And yes, my husband has known for a few years now that he’s not the only man I’ve been with. He also knows and is okay with, the things I share about our life. If it’ll help others, he encourages it.
smooches,
Larie
SO been there Sarah Mae. I actually pray during intimacy. His blood covers those scars. ((hugs))
Open, authentic, dripping with real.
“I just don’t know how to get it.”
I don’t either. I thought as I read, hmmmmm, perhaps this is why, for me, God has allowed me to remain single these past 7 years. Raising my children alone. To spare me that dischord between spirit and body and lingering scars. Perhaps….
Yet I do know, in Him, is total healing for all. I know it. I too “just don’t know how to get it.”
Blessings and favor to you, dear Sarah Mae, daughter of the king.
I am so there with you. And having this issue makes me feel like a bad wife, which just adds to the guilt and shame I already feel about my sexual past.
When I am truly relying on Jesus, (which is a minute by minute thing as you know) I pray for the courage, the strength, the freedom from shame to be able to be vulnerable to my husband. I don’t have the answer but I am encouraged to know I am not alone.
I can relate. Most certainly.
And I run too. And if this can give anyone a chuckle, in such a dark place, my husband calls me “once a month Sally”. And I certainly agree with him!
I would honestly not be here in my marriage today if my feet were not firmly planted in God’s word and faith. And also if God had not shown up yesterday in such a great way that I have been waiting for, I believe in paths to heal some of those places and within my marriage.
I can even say honestly past temptations were available to me, and something would steer me away and one night something just told me ” go home before you do something you regret”.
All I know is this is all too familiar with so many. Including myself.
You are one brave woman and I love how you speak so freely.
Oh my! You are not alone! Have not suffered physical abuse; Mostly Emotional abuse/Mental by those whom I believed and trusted, not to mention married. I struggle with the same issues and have given up on marriage- maybe 2-5 years old but feels as if it really is older in years. Hard to get past the issues that are constant and almost daily now.
The snide comments slung my way are only one issue that will not invite me willing and happily back into his arms. Wow- iI can’t write it all down. Not realy sure that I have the love for him any more Esp. the love it takes to finish this life with him….. Ia m sure the ‘shutdown’ of my emotions toward him – the shutdown of intimacy with him has contributed to his feelings also- I keep telling myself – I am a survivor I will get thru this with or without him and be back to my Gutsy ole self……. Sigh. Some days—-Used to be a ‘Gutsy gal” now just feel like a Shellish gal who goes thru the motions to get thru another day/night.
I tryt o follow God’s word; some days it is easy- others- it is hard….
Thanks for posting- and putting into words the thoughts I can’t voice.
Please – I shall remain nameless but not heartless.
Been there and done that sweetie. Isn’t it nice to know you are not alone? ;o) I only got true healing once I went through a bible study God was calling me to do. It is called Healed and Set Free by Tammy Brown! It is so awesome and it brought me face to face with the fact that I was indeed wandering in my own wilderness. God had a Promise land JUST WAITING for me to take hold of it, however, I needed to WANT to move on. In wanting to move on it meant that I had to accept that I wanted things to change. To venture into the great unknown; this was the hardest part. I am going to send you some journals I wrote as a result of persevering through the pain of my past. Love ya honey and I promise you if you get that book and go through it you will NEVER regret it!
(((HUGS))))
Theresa
I’m lookin forward to read the second part in ur site 🙂
… There’s something your post made me think of…
we, young ladies are always told how we need to live a set apart life and how we should not give our hearts and bodies to anynone because is not God’s will and we might get pregnant and our emotional state might be chaotic but we’re rarely told about the SPIRTUAL ATTACHMENTS, the momories and the slavery that those moments can bring to our future marriage.
Your entry made think of it….
I want to have, as you say , a pure intimacy with my future husband and I wish I could serve as a testimony for people my age.
SarahMae~
He knew of my past, fully, before we were engaged. He so, so, so deserved to be the first & only but wasn’t. (by Grace that is a gift our daughters & son will be able to bestow on their spouses).
I had NO IDEA that the scars would go so deep in in such tangled webs of thought/emotion/physique – all interwoven.
Beginning during our honeymoon, I prayed during intimacy. Just recently (we’ll celebrate our 15th anniversary this year), things have sort of gotten a sort of ‘fresh start’. I have an enthusiasm for intimacy that had been completely lacking; a joy; a sence of anticipation that was foreign during most of our years. I hope to encourage you. Stick with the Cross and the continued laying down of the burden, the continued seeking of Christ’s best (not our best, His best.) In our marriage, I tentatively believe, He is showing His best right where we are. Be encouraged.
I just subscribed last night and now I’m already posting?? Anyhow, I do experience true intimacy and have not had a pure past. God can and will cleanse all of your old hurts and pain. He is the powerful God that closed the mouths of lions and walked through a fiery furnace with mortal men. You must be willing to surrender it all, every hour if you have to. Every thought you have needs to be turned over to him for his renewal. I would say prayer every hour, prayer before sex, prayer before Hubby comes home and prayer again and again and he will heal all that you are willing to cast on him, because He cares for you! I also recommend 2 books. A marriage without regrets by Kay Arthur and The Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. My 2 faves! Love to all and be blessed as you SEEK HARD after Him.
Sarah Mae – you are so brave to share this! I will be praying for you. In 17 years of marriage, we have definitely had our ups and downs in this area. I have struggled more in the last few years because of miscarriages which then tied in a fear to intimacy that I had not anticipated. But God is good and He can and will help us in this area as it is an important part of a strong marriage. Hugs!!
Thank you Sarah Mae. Can’t wait to read the rest.
Just found this post today wandering around at Incourage… wow! Your honesty is healing…