A couple of months ago, I had a doctor’s appointment that was in a word… disappointing. I scheduled the appointment because I wanted guidance on how to walk through this whole *waves hand in the air* perimenopause stage that has me feeling like a stranger in my own body. When I explained my symptoms to the doctor amidst tears, she acted like I was explaining that the sun comes up in the east and sets in the west. In other words, she looked mighty bored and disinterested.
And despite being armed with information about my supplements and eating habits and ready to talk about all the things that might help or hinder my frustrating symptoms, none of that entered our conversation. My doctor didn’t ask and didn’t seem to care.
But hey, she looked all of 15 years old, so how was she supposed to understand what being 50 feels like? (Said with no small amount of sarcasm.)
It’s super fun to vulnerably turn your heart inside out to someone — only to have that person not receive what you’re saying. (Said no one.)
After my appointment, I speed-walked back to my car. And when I pulled the car door shut, I cried yet again. This office came highly recommended, and it took five months to get an appointment. I had been so incredibly hopeful that I would leave with reassurance and practical care options. Instead, I left with frustration and a heaping dose of disappointment.
Now let’s contrast that to my most recent visit to the same office, but with a different doctor. While I was only scheduled for my yearly well check, the doctor asked if I had anything I’d like to discuss. I took the opportunity to relay a lot of the same info I had relayed to her colleague two months earlier. But unlike my last visit, this doctor listened intently and asked several follow-up questions, told me she understood what I was going through, and offered numerous options for what I could do next.
After this appointment, I practically skipped to my car, contemplating a few twirls in the parking lot à la Maria von Trapp in The Sound of Music. As I pulled my car door shut, I proceeded to message a girlfriend in my same life stage and relay my positive experience to her.
What a difference a kind, listening ear can make in helping one feel validated and capable rather than crazy.
While you may not be in my stage of life, you likely know what it is to be flattened by words that at best discourage you and at worst break your spirit.
Maybe you finally got the gumption to share with someone a dream you’re working towards, and in return, that person only lists all the reasons you’re foolish to entertain such a dream.
Maybe you posted an anecdote on Instagram about the difficulties of parenting, and the first person to comment tells you to get over it and quit complaining.
Maybe you believed a particular relationship was moving along just fine, but it turns out the other person wants to part ways.
There are a million ways you can turn your heart inside out, only to have the person on the receiving end dismiss you with a wave of a hand.
My experience, and I’m guessing yours too, confirms the truth Scripture proclaims: Words have the power to bring life and death. I’ve felt that sting of death from cutting or uncaring words, as well as the gift of spoken life.
Proverbs 16:24 (ESV) tells us:
“Kind words are like honey—
sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”
While reading Holley Gerth’s devotional, 365 Truths for Every Woman’s Heart, I learned that from ancient times onward, honey has been regarded as a healing agent in wound care. Its antibacterial features and anti-inflammatory qualities can keep problems from getting worse. And there’s no denying that its soothing properties help a hot cup of tea soothe a sore throat.
While I can’t control how someone else talks to me, I can control my words and attitude while talking to others. Like honey, my words can heal. But I also want them to be relayed in a way reflected by Proverbs 15:4 (ESV):
“A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”
The way we talk to others is as important as what we say. Admittedly, I’ve experienced hard conversations where I’ve had to apologize not for what I said but for the way I said it.
Recognizing the damage our tone of voice and word choice can have doesn’t mean we say only what others want to hear. Sometimes, a needed (even if painful) word is necessary to give and receive. But if we want the words we speak to be soothing like honey while also gentle, we must train our hearts for it. We do that by regularly meeting with Jesus and investing in friendships that point to gospel truth.
So if you’ve ever left a conversation — or a doctor’s office — with tears in your eyes and hope deflated in your chest, please know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there too, wondering why it’s so hard to be heard, why vulnerability sometimes feels like a losing game.
But dearheart, don’t miss this: your words hold incredible power.
Even if you’ve been on the receiving end of apathy or judgment, you still get to be the kind of person who offers the opposite. The kind who listens closely. The kind who validates tender places. The kind who sprinkles her speech with honey — sweet, healing, and full of life. You may never know the full impact of your kindness, but someone else just might leave an encounter with you practically skipping to their car, heart buoyed, and hope restored.
This is such a good reminder! I’ve often thought about how God created everything with words and we are made in His image, so it makes sense that our words have power – not the “create actual things out of nothing” kind if power – but power for good or evil. I love the song, “Speak Life” by Toby Mac, as it is also a great reminder of what we can do with our words.
That’s a beautiful point, Dianne. Thank you SO much for sharing it here!
Kirsten thank you for sharing what you shared. I remember going to see a Doctor about my seizures not the one I see now about them. When I looked at him I knew he was not going agree or listen to what I had too say to do with my health. My Husband was with me at the appointment. He knew to look at me all I wanted to do was cry. As to me he could have been alot nicer and had not more manners. No matter what I said he had answer for us both. I knew in my heart the appointment was a waist of time and said to myself why did I go. My Husband said you went not let know you not come as so many people waist appointments don’t turn up. Then if you really needed them they not see you he was right my Husband. He agreed with me that the Doctor could have been alot nicer and seen my point too. But he didn’t I came out and cried. My Husband said Dawn don’t let it get to you. It’s not worth it and your health. But I did pray to God to make him nicer to people that have to see him. I asked God to forgive me if I did or said anything when in the appointment and that I forgave him for not being nicer. I like people who see to me to kind caring and loving and have good manners. It hurts when they don’t. But I try to bit my tounge and not get annoyed that I say something to them. Say we bit of manners from you would do no harm. Then I heard God say pray for him as if you say anything he will have answer for you. My Husband told me the same. I am glad I didn’t say anything. God said you show from that day people you love them even if got not manners. God said people you will get in life not nice to you like I did when I was on earth. Some like me God said. I loved them all even the ones didn’t like and them that did. I showed them loved all of them. I loved them so much I went to Calvary for them and the whole world. You know you are my child and saved. Do what I do even if they could be nicer to you keep showing them my love in you by the way you live your life for me. I have done that it has helped so much. I am thankful I said nothing. As if I did the Doctor could have got more unkind towards me and that could have made me have a seizure. Because of the stress of it all. Love today devotion. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh.
Dawn, it does sound like you made the right–yet surely difficult–choice. May our good God bless you for your kindness and restraint, and may you be able to find a doctor who listens to you with more compassion and knowledge! Sending much love!
Thank you for your care Kristen. Thank you for what you contributed to Incourage I love your devotional and all other Incourage. I send my love to you from my part of God’s word to yours. My God richly bless you and all Incourage in my prayers Love Dawn God bless and big hugs to you all.
Q: how do you do this when you wildly disagree with what someone’s saying? (i.e. when they are attributing a friend’s lack of response to email to malice instead of busy-ness and you know that person and their email reply… delays; or when they think some specific extremely, extremely expensive thing will fix their complex problem and this looks like it will cost them short-term and long-term in addition to not fixing their problem; or when they are stuck in depression and just won’t believe anything positive even when there is reasonably strong evidence for it)
Oh KC, that is terribly difficult. When our friend refuses to give us the benefit of the doubt, it strangles the life right out of that friendship. At least it always feels that way to me.
My own counselor, Gwen, has taught me that there’s giving offense and taking offense, and while we want to use our words/actions to not purposely give offense, we can’t help when others take offense. At the end of the day, it’s not necessarily up to you or me to correct someone who’s taken offense over what you or I said. While this is true, when I’ve been in this position, I have 1. Apologized for giving offense when I certainly didn’t intend to. and 2. I’ve told that person that I believe she expects more from me in this friendship than I’m capable of giving. Also, it hurts my heart to continually be put on the defense, and if she’s not willing to have a discussion to talk about ways to improve the friendship, that’s fine. However, I will need some distance.
And then I pivot my attentions to those friends who do extend grace and understanding to me because they do give me the benefit of the doubt.
Friendship is so nuanced, and there’s an exception to every rule. But the older I get, the more I value cutting my friends some slack because I know what a gift it is to receive that!
I hope this gives at least a bit of help and guidance to you, KC. May God bless and keep you, dear one!
Thank you Kristen. The perimenopausal experience, along with all of its truly unsettling symptoms, are so very misunderstood and all too frequently met with intolerance or impatience from others on the watching end of our search for guidance and support.
I’ve recently leveraged honey sticks to help diminish the jitters that come with these crazy perimenopausal symptoms I attempt to offer honey drenched responses to loved ones who are too frequently indifferent to the fact the once independently strong and nearly invincible mental and physical individual they’ve known is nearly crumpled to dust by the weight of unfamiliar and unexplainable symptoms that come and go in waves that seem to have no end.
The wonderful thing about this experience is my decision to lean in to the Father with an increasingly grateful heart! James 1:2-4 has come to life through it all and I’m so thankful that the reward of fullness is greater than the problem.
Blessings of grace as you and others move through this perfecting experience in Christ!!!❤️
Thank you for the encouragement, Dawn! You describe this stage of life SO well, and while I’m not a fan of this perseverance growing experience, I relish the good work Christ will accomplish through it. Thank you for pointing me to truth!
You’re welcome Kristen. You yourself are a truth God is speaking to those that would hear (or read in the case of your (in)courage message 😉 You, as are we all, are a truth that lives, and breathes, and transforms according to the masterful will of God. The fullness of the truth that He lovingly reveals in us through Christ, sometimes takes a lifetime to appreciate. In times of suffering we are looking so closely at the pixel of time, we can’t even begin to see the full picture of our truth which takes multiplied pixels to get that high definition, sharp, vibrant, experience we know as our inheritance. Heaven on earth is what we crave and perimenopause feels nothing like heaven on earth. Lol.
May the journey ahead have more experiences that take your breath away because of the awe of seeing the truth God created in the gift of you!
Thank you, Kristen. I’m a nursing student, and your words remind me to be a good listener to all of my patients.
Oh, what a gift you must be to your patients! May God bless and keep you for the good, necessary work you do to bring light to life’s hardest moments. xo
Kristen,
My biggest problem isn’t what I say but how I say it. Much prayer is given asking Go to help me put honey in my words. Please keep my big mouth shut if I’m about to spew wrong words. Post menopausal me often speaks before thinking. God help me use kind words.
Blessings 🙂