Recently, we cleaned out the garage and moved boxes up to the attic. I was tasked with sorting through them. I got sidetracked with a box of photo albums from the old days when we actually got pictures developed instead of just scrolling through Instagram. I thumbed through yellowed photos pasted into faux leather albums, remembering.
I’m often nostalgic for the past. I’ll think back to the times when life seemed more full of possibilities and less full of lived experiences. I’ll remember what used to be, before kids or marriage or sickness, before the mundane weariness of days where I am neither a world changer nor crisscrossing the globe as I’d once hoped. I didn’t accomplish half the things I dreamed when I was the girl in the picture, tanned and smiling into the sunshine, unaware of what the next thirty years would hold.
Instead, I am a wife and a mother, someone who defrosts chicken for dinner and pays the mortgage. Someone who lathers on sunscreen because instead of that tanned girl in the picture, she now has wrinkles and age spots and skin cancer to consider. Someone who adds ground beef and paper towels to the grocery list and wakes up every day to do it all again.
Or I am a woman who pines for the future. Everything will be different once school starts so we have routine, once school is out for summer so I can rest, once I finish this to-do list, once I have more money or time or sleep, once I get well.
Some days, I have nothing but sorrow for what used to be or what might have been or what could be, if only.
Where is the balance between holy discontent and the desire to live a fuller, more robust faith? The kind of itchy passion that stirs things up and leaves us hungry and desiring more beauty, more wonder, more of Christ in our everyday, and the siren song that woos us with promises that our life would be so much fuller if only things weren’t so ordinary, so hard, so unspectacularly not what we had hoped for?
Sometimes I get stuck in the flux of that timeline, and I lose my place entirely. I wish I were as certain about things as I was in my twenties when everything seemed black and white and I dealt with the blows life dealt with a surety that the right faith and the proper theology could deflect. If I followed the rules, I’d pass go and collect $200. But I landed in the wrong spots again and again. I don’t really wish to play that game again, because those were the years when I was so sure of myself, of my mind, of my own strength and abilities, of my turn to win, and so very unsure of God.
I was going to change the world, but really it’s me that needs changing.
I’m confronted by the discontented soul of now. I want to unhinge the call to be content from my everyday and latch it onto better times, either to come or long past.
I don’t want the uncertainty of unanswerable things, of perseverance, of faithfulness to a present-day where I must abide — often with no solutions, often with no answers.
We wish for mountain-moving faith when instead we are an immovable stone, unwilling to be broken. Because tumors grow, mouths go hungry, wailing children get ripped from their mother’s arms and replay in sound bites on the news, marriages fall apart, prodigals don’t return. Right now is hard.
But we prayed, Lord! We prayed. And what do we do with faith when the answer doesn’t come back down the line from heaven with a resounding, “As you have asked, it will be done”?
My faith’s been small, the kind that sits in the backseat not making a scene, the kind of faith that doesn’t want to be presumptuous. But these years, I’ve prayed with grasping hands and learned that the faith God builds happens now.
And that may be one of the hardest things of all. Because our obedience will always be more important than our effectiveness, and yet that’s not what we crave. It’s certainly not what I had hoped for all those years ago when I asked God to take my life and make it His. And yet, our lives being His requires that relentless release — not my will but Yours.
My day-to-day opportunity is to bear witness to God — right where I’m at, no matter what’s happening. Full stop.
All I have is now. What has God tasked me with for today? What thanks can I give? What beauty can I behold? What grace can I share? What prayers can I pray? What injustice can I right? What forgiveness must I ask? What bitterness must I confess? What joy can I feel? What sorrow can I cast on Him? What faithfulness rests in my now with laundry to be done, bills to pay, and floors to mop? What is God’s strength when my kids have needs more than I can meet? How do I abide?
I’m letting go of If only and clinging to What now, Lord?
For more on having faith and abiding in our now, Alia Joy’s book, Glorious Weakness: Discovering God in All We Lack, acknowledges our discomfort, desperation, and dependence is where God meets us the most.
Our lives being His requires that relentless release of 'not my will but Yours.' -@aliajoyH: Click To Tweet Leave a Comment
Alia Joy,
Every time I see the “Life is Good” caricatures on t-shirts I murmur to myself, “Life is HARD, but GOD is good!” I, too, remember my youth before divorce, surgeries, mental illness, losing my job, prodigal kids. Life was pretty good and I thought I had most of the answers. The more trips I make around the sun, I realize, more and more, that I know less and less. Sure there are lots of “If only’s” and there are plenty of “Why’s”. I will probably not have the answers until I reach heaven. What I DO know, and I have to claim through it all is: God is GOOD; He is Love; He never forgets about me; He is shaping my character and molding me into the likeness of His Son and I have to trust His methods. I can have trust or I can have control, but I can’t have both. I have this day and this day only to search for His goodness and to trust in Him…come what may.
Blessings,
Bev xx
Hi Bev your posts are awesome! Yes I remember a time when i thought its all about me, i can handle it all , pack it all on my back , but as i age the load is just to heavy. As i go through this storm my faith is being built, to trust my lord. I have a small group of people that suffer from mental illness , just came home from a meeting, the stories, the pain, make me trust god even more fully that he is holding me. A small piece of hope my husband wanted to join me this evening , crazy but he is finding he needs help in areas of his life. I really hope he seeks help. He needs the lord but that is between him and god I’m also finding people really don’t need my advice, or my opinion i find just taking care of Maria is enough for me in this season. James1:19. 1peter5:7
Maria,
God IS holding you and He will NEVER leg go or let you fall. Keep holding on to His righteous right hand. Praise that your husband joined you last evening. Maybe let him know, today, how much you enjoyed his company?! Continuing to lift you up in prayer as well as your husband and girls…God is able…
Blessings,
Bev xx
Bev your posts are awesome! I’m learning through this storm james1:19. 1peter5:7 is what i need to be doing. As i age i find people don’t want advice, they need to find their own way. Carrying the weight of others burdens, is just silly! God doesn’t need my ideas. Taking care of Maria is a full time job.
Maria,
I think my recent blog post would speak to you…”You Are Never Off God’s Mind”. I invite you to join me at my blog. God shared this experience with me, and I’d like to share it with you..https://walkingwellwithgod.blogspot.com/2019/08/you-are-never-off-gods-mind.html Yes, take care of Maria!! You are God’s beloved daughter!
Blessings and prayers sweet sister,
Bev xo
Bev, just got your email for prayer. I lost the wed-site your, blog, please send the link again. Dear abba, my new friend has a knee issue. Please help her heal, resting your healing hands on her knee. She needs to feel your love she needs to know you are in control of everything, the storms in life help us trust you more and open our hearts to you, 1peter5:7 god is able.
Thank you for giving me the encouraging, inspiring words I needed to read this morning. I have been struggling with various physical and emotional issues the past couple years, as well as turning a certain age and feeling that I failed somehow. The way you share your heart, touched mine and you gave me a feeling of solace. Thank you for that. God Bless <3
I remember making a 10-year plan when I was in college, loopy handwriting lassoing the education and travel and career I envisioned for the future me. I’m grateful for the years since and for the tethered life that is teaching me the importance of obedience in the present moment and God’s curious lack of enthusiasm for big plans and small love.
I’m grateful for your story and for the beautiful way you share it.
Alia –
This is so the record of my life! I find myself especially in this season now. I’m headed for something challenging and just want it to be done. I keep counting the days. Thank you for the reminder that each day is precious. Your words touch my soul so much that I want to return to your book again and again.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth,
Praying for you…you WILL come through this valley one step at a time. One day you will look back and see His awesome faithfulness.
Keep leaning into the Lord…
Blessings,
Bev xx
every time– you start where I am — and lead me to where I need to be– every time I thank God for you.
Blessings in Christ, j
Yes so true… We must stop the thinking of “If Only”… The enemy wants us to believe that we will never have joy, peace and content again. This robs us of living in present enjoying all that God has done for us. It’s hard at times to understand what plans God have for us and we are now living in the instant gratification times where we want instant results and answers to everything. We don’t know how to wait and I will admit, the waiting may not come in the timing we want but I know God always answers prayers. Lifting you up Alia Joy and letting you know that you are not alone and that You are so loved… Thank you for sharing this message.
Amen sister…all we have is now, this moment this day to praise, pray and try to be like Jesus with all our might and our focus!! That’s what I take away tonight from your post – thank you!
YES to all of this! The right now, the ordinary, the mundane and God in every bit of it. I also have those photo albums with pictures curling at the edges and dreams written in the smile on my face. But I am loving my right now life. It’s not always easy but it is always worth it.
Alia Joy,
Like you said, “All I have is now”, and that is so true. Help us all, Lord, to embrace the now with grateful hearts and hearts that long to surrender to You. Alia, you write in such an artistic way—such a gift from God. Thank you. This is the day that He has made, and I pray that His love shines through.
Brenda
And I echo: “Life is hard, but God is good!” . Be blessed in your everyday, dear Alia Joy!
Love from Irene in Oregon
I’m that mom who makes groceries lists..homeschools the kids while my hubby works ; I stepped away from my career and chasing after my own wants for a period of 15 years..yes 15 to raise the kids . I have no regrets ! I think everyday is a new adventure and God wants us to live it in joy with passion.
there’s much to be said about contentment and finding balance…certainly I still have a good balanced life of doing things I enjoy and meeting with friends too.
looking back often causes us to stumble with our future ; I was once reminded of lots wife who had a future leaving Sodom and gamorah but she chose to look back for her own reasons..if she had kept focused on what God has ahead in life things would have her much better for her.
my encouragement is this : while enjoying good memories of our youth we can’t dwell on what did not come to be , thank God for what was & where he is taking you in this life journey now..theres always surprises ahead !
Thank you so much for your comment about Lot’s wife. I have been looking to the past and it has been very painful. Only present is alive, and to embrace the future we walk looking ahead. Beautiful post Alia, you are such a talented writer. God bless you all, my beautiful and brave sisters in Christ.
yes rip off the rear view mirror of life so you can focus on what’s coming a head. here’s to good days ahead
No what we all go through times of that if only thinking. I have myself. Then I have to stop myself say Dawn stop it. You are alive to enjoy another day in Gods Beautiful word. There are people worse of than you. You have so much to thank God for. So at times if the only come to your mind and You say is too late to change things. You done it you said something you think you should have or shouldn’t have said. Don’t get traped into that if only thinking. If I did not say it or I have done it. As it will eat you up. Go to Jesus in prayer he by his Holy Spirit will tell you what to do. If it something you said to someone and you need to say sorry. Jesus will help you and give you the strength to put it right. When you have done that. You will feel a million times better. As Satan the old Devil would want you be Traped in the if only. Be scared to do nothing about it let it eat you up. Then the person you said the words to feel the hurt. Not know how to say too you. You have hurt them with your words.
Don’t let the The Trap of if only thinking eat you up. Do what Jesus would want you do. I been there. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little
Thank you for your comment about Lot’s wife. I have been looking to the past and it has been very painful. Only present is alive and to embrace the future we must look ahead. Alia you are a very talented writer, thank you so much for your posts. God bless you all my beautiful and brave sisters in Christ.
“Our obedience will always be more important than our effectiveness, and yet that’s not what we crave.” That’s pretty much the best sucker-punch the soul. So good. Thank you, friend.
Dear Alia you are such a talented writer, thank you for this post. I have been looking to the past and it has been very painful. Only present is alive and to embrace the future we must look ahead. Krissy the reminder about Lot’s wife was very important to me. We have to bring to the present the parts of our soul that are lost in the past. God bless you all my beautiful and brave sisters in Christ.
Alia,
Life is full of what ifs & what next. All we can do is trust God that He has it all under control. My younger self made plans also. Was going to graduate HS & get a good job in town. It took me some time to find a good job. College came a few years later. Many more jobs. We make our choices good/bad. We plan some. God wants us to trust our lives to Him. Give up the if only thinking. If only I hadn’t been born with punctured ear drums, moved to Florida, etc. I learned early on to release my will to His. He sees the big picture & knows what lies ahead for us. Even now sometimes I say “if only I hadn’t or didn’t or would have”. Then I stop & tell myself no this is life right here right now. Live in the moment with Jesus. I couldn’t envision my parents dementia/health issues getting really bad. To the point mom was in ICU for 2 weeks & dad was hospitalized for dementia. Walking into ICU I said I could never work there with all that noise. God had different plans down the road. I will continue to live day to day & surrender my will to His.
Blessings 🙂
So very nice others think like this too, and analyze where they been , are and going. Lol, I wonder if its that Im turning 50 thing, and this is NOT where i expected to be. Life is full of bumps and potholes, and God is our driver, so we best be sure to let the map fly out the window and put our seat belt on!
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