About the Author

Katherine Flach is a musician, artist, and writer, and lives in Florida with her husband Casey. She loves being outdoors and baking as many cookies as possible during her free time.

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  1. We need to be reminded (by someone who has been there) that God is present, even in the darkness. I’m so sorry that you carry the weight of this, but I’m grateful for your honest re-telling.

  2. I understand your pain, I’ve been there. Not taken an attempt on my life but I’ve certainly thought those thoughts and been in en episode or two of darkness in my life. I’ve also watched from afar as my brothers childhood friend took his life in adulthood and felt the sadness for myself, for my brother and for his friends wife, child, friends and brothers he left behind. You are SO right that GOD is there he is there in every moment and in the dark times strangely silent. But HE does or has brought me out and provided ways to see the light again, the beauty of his creations. I’m sorry that you went through those seasons and applaud your vulnerability and honesty in laying your story bare here in this community. You are so right to remind those that NEED to hear it, to Run to Jesus. He is everything.

    Praying for you friend that this post reaches who it needs to and it does it’s job of saying Wait! Stop! Run to Jesus first!

    • I’m so sorry – those kinds of thoughts and episodes of darkness can be very frightening. I too have friends whose family members have taken their lives, and I can’t imagine the pain they experience in the loss of their loved one – my heart aches for you and your brother and his friend and family.
      And you are right – even though difficult seasons can last for years (sometimes even lifelong!) God is so gracious to provide hope and light in visible ways around us, whether it’s the compassion of a friend, the beauty of his creation, or even the simplest little joys like a cup of hot tea. And by far the greatest hope and joy he offers is himself – “in your presence there is fullness of joy” (Psalm 16). Thank you for the prayers!!

  3. Katherine,

    God bless you for being open & honest about a tough situation. Satan wants no more than for us to be in the dark & not hear God. He does his best to keep us in the dark thinking God doesn’t care. God is always there wanting to shed a little light on your darkness. Everyone needs the reminder that God is near to the brokenhearted. Christians don’t want to discuss such issues. A lot of people say just have more faith, pray more, or what sin have you committed to cause this. Not true. No one sinned & more praying & faith may not relieve the problem. Praising God for saving you that night & other. He is using you to tell the world about this horrible disease & how to overcome it. Reminding ourselves that God is near-even if you can’t feel or see Him. He is there.

    Blessings 🙂

    • Thank you, Beth – I admit, it was not an easy story for me to tell (I was a bit terrified!). But, as you noted, my hope is to bring more discussion and awareness to the fact that just because someone is a Christian doesn’ t mean they won’t struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide. It happens and we need to learn how to encourage and love people through it. To come around them and help bear them up through the darkness and point them to Jesus and assist them in getting the help they need. We live in a broken world, with broken bodies and broken minds, and, yes, praise God that he has compassion on the brokenhearted!

  4. Dearest Katherine:

    What a shocking torment you have been through- God did not take you to what He will not take you through .
    I can see and almost taste how He has used your pain to give voice and compassionate encouragement to others who are struggling in the abyss of mind confusion. God is “not the author of confusion: He IS the God of Peace. “

    So glad that His Light shone in and on you in the dark moments and …His Love DOES SHINE forth in and through your dark days so that the radiance of Christ leads you out of darkness and into His Radiant Light (His “Light” shines in the darkness and the darkness shall not overcome it”)

    I love your comFIRMed Awareness in these Beautiful Power-infused words you state:

    “[Christ] whose blood ran down a wooden cross as He drank the cup of God’s wrath to the very bottom …that you might live.”

    YES: That Katherine may LIVE to radiate His HOPE to many others who need the message of HOPE and the message of the Truth of the Word of Life : “I will never forsake you. I have drawn you. You ARE mine”

    He never forsakes. For God so loved and loves ALL.

    He has drawn you. With Lovingkindness He embraces and consoles and compassionately holds you through your deepest wounds and hurts. And dark days.

    You are His.

    His always.

    His in all ways.

    His eternally…His to quiet you gently with the Love and Truth of WHO YOU ARE in Him.

    Christ in Katherine – the HOPE of His Glory.

    YOU ARE HIS… “beloved daughter”

    And for any men reading:

    YOU ARE HIS…”beloved son.”

    The beloved Son loves and embraces all of His beloved daughters and sons – He welcomes us into the Everlasting home of His Heart. And He does it in the dark moments of our soul.

    The darkest moments are the places that His Loving Light cascades in warm gentleness.

    This is Christ: the Gentle Comforter.

    Thank you for your sharing and for showing what God does on the other side of pain and struggle and torment – – He allows you Katherine …to SHINE forth for others and give the HOPE of the gospel – so that others can be saved and helped.

    Bless you abundantly Katherine – for sharing your pain so that others can HOPE forward .

    Bless you to encourage others to keep pressing into the Light of Jesus’ Love – that illuminates the darkness.

    I pray that Christ will continue to give You His strength and you will become a living testimony of what you said today:

    He whose blood ran down a wooden cross – He drank the cup of God’s wrath to the very bottom …that Katherine might live.

    Keep shining and LIVE and bask and dance forward in the Light of His Light Katherine.

    I pray God will use this powerful testimony to let others know how much they mean to the Lord of LIFE.

    I leave you with Isaiah 61:

    ARISE. SHINE His Light has come and the Glory of the Lord Is risen upon Katherine. For behold, deep darkness shall cover the earth [suicide/depression/despairing thoughts not of God’s will] shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people…But the Lord will ARISE over Katherine and His Glory shall be seen upon Katherine. The [others suffering who need the HOPE of Christ] shall come to your light Katherine
    And kings to the brightness of your rising.”

    Keep leaning on and into Christ to lift you up into and above His Marvelous Light.

    Keep SHINING FORTH Katherine.

  5. Amen. The psalms are full of this type of honest, soul cries for help, preaching truth and hope in CHRIST to ourselves. I can tell you read them. Thank you for using your story to point others to Jesus; this is beautiful to Him and faith building for us. Love you, friend.

  6. Katherine, you are brave and beautiful for sharing your story of God’s goodness. Thank you for encouraging those suffering silently. Just saw an article yesterday about YouTube Kids having videos glorifying suicide (spliced into other videos) and showing kids how to kill themselves. Depression and suicide are real issues with lots of complex factors but I’m glad you’re speaking out. May the Lord continue to bless you.

    • Yes, they are very painful and complex issues, and I think that’s why there can be a tendency to shy away from talking about them. Thank you for your encouraging words!

  7. Katherine, I am going to share your compelling message with a dear friend who has battled depression quite a lot in her disappointments with life. Thankfully with prayers The Holy Spirit came to her rescue and she is learning more about jesus’s personal love and help. Your message has a proposal with it, “To Stay Away From The Pit.” Guard your thoughts, call someone when you feel desperate, or alone and lonely. And cry out to Jesus who is always there, always near. Feeling desperate, strangling in a host of negative emotion is exactly the weakened place the devil wants us, so he can rob us, take the joy of life from us or even kill us.
    I had my iwn experience with wanting to end my life once, the devil was trying to convince me it wasn’t worrh living, but the lord came and convinced me that
    IT WAS! I am so thankful I listened.
    My favorite promise is that “I can do all things in His strength ” I am an overcomer, more than a conqueror in Christ. Now I live for Him, with Him, and in Him. I am strong in the power of His might to help others. He is truly our fortified city of protection. Yea, our high tower. Blessings Katharine, you are so loved.

    • “For God alone my soul waits in silence;
      from him comes my salvation.
      He alone is my rock and my salvation,
      my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.” (Psalm 62:1)
      Thank you for sharing your story – I’m glad to hear that you and your friend have found (and are finding) hope and strength in knowing Jesus. As you said, it is so important to “guard your thoughts” – our thoughts will lie to us, and we must conform our minds to his truth in Scripture and focus on who he is.

  8. Katherine, I sure debated whether or not to share this; but decided to in order to covet your prayers. Our 16 year old grandson, Matt, did try to commit suicide..he overdosed, had his stomach pumped out & in the hospital for one week.. None of us understand what happened & he says he does not know. He plays in the orchestra at their church; taught himself to play the piano, drums & guitar & now writing music. He is very smart in his 2nd year of college. He is very outgoing with a winning personality. Some things in life we will never understand “why?”. Thankful you are better-Praise God!

    • Frances, I’m so very sorry, and I’m glad you shared – I will definitely pray for your grandson. And yes, sometimes we will never understand “why” and it can be so, so hard to trust God in those situations. But he is still in control. And I know he gives me grace to trust him, because I can’t on my own strength. Praying for you and your grandson and family!

  9. Katherine, thank you. Thank you for opening the door and pouring light on the subject NO one wants to talk about! “Suicide? Can’t talk about it – it could be contagious” I’ve lost friends my own age, and my kids have lost friends their ages, and we NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT! It’s becoming my life-mission to keep suicide from happening one kid at a time. I’ve been in that pit. I’ve thought those thoughts. Jesus is always there (thank you, Jesus!), even when we can’t feel Him. Know that we all are praying for you.

    • You’re welcome, Elaine, and thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’m thankful to hear your passion and heart for reaching out and trying to help others who are struggling in this area.

  10. Katherine,
    I have walked in this suffocating darkness, for so long, I don’t know what it feels like to not be terrified of my own thoughts, to not be teetering on the edge, gripping to such a tiny thread. I live daily in fear that the thread will snap, but at the same time most days, I wish it would break (and I’ve tried to break it) just to escape the pain.
    I’ve been told by others in the church that I’m too needy,& too tiring to be around so I stay away. I keep hoping that someday I’ll be able to breathe, that someday I’ll like myself and believe that others do as well, that I am worthy,and that I am wanted. Until then, I keep holding on trying to not suffocate in the darkness.

    • Tracy, as I’m reading your comment and hurting for you, I can’t stop thinking about one of my favorite Psalms, which is Psalm 77 (I quoted part of it above). I love it because the writer of the Psalm uses such vivid language to portray his suffering – he is in so much pain that even his initial thinking about God only resulted in sadness. But at verse 6 there is a turning point – “Let me remember my song in the night”- and he goes on to focus his thoughts on the goodness and strength and steadfast love of the Lord. The Psalm doesn’t say he suddenly stopped being sad or that the pain magically ended, but his focus and hope were reoriented to God.
      To think on the fact that God is worthy and beautiful and to focus on his unchanging nature and steadfast love is one of the greatest comforts in my depression. And in light of who he is, what higher calling or worth could I possibly have than to be his child and to delight in/worship him? What greater worth than that he delights in me?
      Praying for you today.

  11. Katherine,
    I have walked in this suffocating darkness, for so long, I don’t know what it feels like to not be terrified of my own thoughts, to not be teetering on the edge, gripping to such a tiny thread. I live daily in fear that the thread will snap, but at the same time most days, I wish it would break (and I’ve tried to break it) just to escape the pain.
    I’ve been told by others in the church that I’m too needy,& too tiring to be around so I stay away. I keep hoping that someday I’ll be able to breathe, that someday I’ll like myself and believe that others do as well, that I am worthy,and that I am wanted. Until then, I just keep trying to not suffocate on the darkness.