For much of my life, the word joy hung ever before me. Taunting me like a dangling carrot I could never grasp. Others seemed to have it already, but I didn’t know if I ever would.
Joy seemed foreign. Exclusive. Most definitely, joy seemed elusive.
As I’ve wrestled to find healing for my torn-apart heart and worn-down body, I’ve struggled to understand how joy could ever be present. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry. And I did a lot of both.
Joy. What is it? How do we obtain it?
James says to consider it joy when we face trials of all kinds. I’ve definitely been through a lot of those. But have I known joy? Truly?
In the Psalms, David speaks honestly and with great emotion. He expresses anger, fear, hurt, and sadness. They are all emotions I relate to very well. In Psalms 30:5 he also says joy comes in the morning. I’ve often wondered, “When will it be morning?” Or, more specifically, “Dear God, when will it be my morning?”
After an extremely challenging and intense season of serving, I collapsed in many ways. I showed signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, acute anxiety, and depression. I experienced grief and exhaustion in deep ways. As I began pursuing healing with intentionality, I also found life’s obstacles continually encircling me.
Not only did joy seem elusive but so did the healing I fought so hard to obtain.
Looking around at my circumstances only took me further down. The only way out was to look up. I knew I had to. I needed to see something beyond what my eyes told me. So I looked for Jesus, often.
I cried out in tears, “Are you there?” I grew more honest, with myself and with God, about what I felt deep in my heart. I felt abandoned and with trepidation I admitted I was angry with God.
Even so, I knew God wanted more for me than what I was experiencing. My heart wanted to find joy, yet I couldn’t see it.
Joy is hard to find when you can’t see Jesus.
The more honest I got, the more I realized how desperately I needed Him.
In the darkest places, I found Him tending to me. Speaking to my heart. Caring for my hurts and speaking life into dead places. I’ve learned what it’s like to seek joy and find it. I’ve learned joy doesn’t come and go with our circumstances. Rather, joy can be experienced despite our circumstances.
Joy comes in knowing Jesus and experiencing His presence. Joy comes when we fall more in love with the One who loves us most. To experience joy is to experience Jesus.
I have a new appreciation for the verses I’d rather reject.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” {James 1:2-4, ESV}
I want joy, but not trials. I want faith and steadfastness, but not testing.
Maybe you too?
Yet, God often uses the hard to refine us. To transform us into the person we were created to be in the first place. More like Him. As absurd as it may sound, God allows the hard to make us more holy.
Sometimes it feels like trials will never stop. I’m weary of chasing the carrot in front of me and would much rather enjoy the God who walks with me every step.
He has shown me trials are a gift, because they help us encounter Him. We come to know what it’s like to be complete. Lacking in nothing. Full of joy.
Our enemy would have us believe joy is unobtainable, like the elusive carrot. He would keep us wallowing in our hurts, treading daily without hope. But it’s a lie.
Christ would have us know Him more. He is the hope lying ever before us, ever behind us, and ever with us.
Through every trial, we find joy when we find ourselves with Jesus.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Jolene,
I have found that joy and pain can coexist. I always thought they were mutually exclusive. I also had to look at how I defined joy…sometimes joy is more of a peace and stillness than a happy go lucky attitude. When I am closest to Jesus I am most content. I can be doing well, but be far from Jesus and I don’t have the joy that comes from Him. Or, I can be going through trials, and because I am walking closely with Him there is peace in knowing His closeness. Like you shared…the key is remaining close to Him.
Blessings,
Bev
Jolene Underwood says
Love this truth Bev. Joy and pain most definitely can co-exist. What you shared here is a great summary of how we can know joy even through hard times. Sometimes it’s in the pain where we are drawn to feel the closeness of God in greater ways. Have a blessed day, Bev.
Lynn D. Morrissey says
Jolene, thank you so much for sharing the depth of your pain and your joy in this space. You have wrestled with God, you have been brought into deep and intimate contact with Him, and you have found joy, you have found Christ. Perhaps He permits trials, even takes us into them, so we will be desperate to find Him and His comfort in our pain. Sometimes I get a little creative with that psalm you quoted and feel that joy “comes in the mourning.” I think you have proven my theory true. Thank you for taking the next step, which many Christians don’t, and sharing both your sorrow and your joy. Many just want to talk about joy, without sharing the difficulties and pain and hurt that God sometimes uses to take us to joy. I love all you write. You are transparent and true. God bless you.
Love
Lynn
Jolene Underwood says
Lynn, I can heartily relate to joy in the mourning. I never want it the process of pain, but I can’t look back and regret it any way either. As you mentioned, God has used it to bring me so much closer to Him. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Thank you, as always, for your kind encouragement. You bless me.
Tammy@Fear Not says
Jolene, I love the refined you. You have a heart to help others with your testimony. Keep telling you story and encouraging others to rise up and write theirs.
Jolene Underwood says
((HUGS)) Thank you for your continual encouragement, friend! I love your passion for inspiring courage.
Camille says
This was an awesome, inspiring post. Thank you for being so honest for it gave me some encouragement towards my journey towards joy.
Camille 🙂
Jolene Underwood says
Thank you Camille. So glad to meet you here. I love knowing others are pursuing joy too!
Michele Morin says
Such honest words, and so spot on — we’re all about knowing Christ, but we’re a little less sure about the fellowship of His suffering, and even more skittish about being conformed to His death. Thank you for your words of assurance (based on experience!) that Jesus walks with us in every trial.
Jolene Underwood says
Gracious truth, Michele. There is so much beauty to behold through suffering, even though it’s most challenging to see it in the midst of it. I’m so thankful for the presence of Christ in all the moments of life.
Marianne says
Oh this is speaking to me…Thank you
Jolene Underwood says
Sending virtual hugs, Marianne.
Marianne says
Thank you so much..
Rebecca Jones says
You are not the only one feeling this way. The proverbial carrot and stick, but God isn’t dangling and moving it. The more we grow in faith, the more enemy attacks, I think the devil is moving the carrot, but God is raising the bar on blessings and favor and joy is in Jesus, if we look at anything else, I think we’d all just give up. Remember, to rest in Him. It’s how I deal with it. My idea of fun isn’t acting wild and crazy, it’s more even keel and organized, so sometimes, I don’t fit it.
Jolene Underwood says
I’m so glad you are able to rest in him in ways that work for you, Rebecca.
Nancy Ruegg says
You are so right, Jolene, that our enemy wants to keep us down. Perhaps one of the keys to discovering joy in the midst of trials is to confront the father of lies. Like Jesus proclaimed in the wilderness, we can say, “Get away from me, Satan!” And then turn our minds to worship and blessings and positive things. Easier said than done, I know–from experience. But as soon as I realize I’m spiraling downward into the cesspool of negative thinking, I call out to Jesus to rescue me. He is SO faithful to come alongside with his love, peace, and strength!
Jolene Underwood says
Love these words, Nancy! There is powerful wisdom in actively pursuing truth to fight the lies.
Anna Smit says
Jolene, your words are precious. It’s almost if you’re describing my journey. I’ll always be thankful for my diagnosis with PTSD as it has brought and is still bringing so much healing and deep joy, precisely in facing the hard by leaning into Jesus. This is so very true: “The more honest I got, the more I realized how desperately I needed Him.” Yes. Exactly. I’m thankful for the deepest valley because it brought me to His arms. I’m publishing a book about the journey on Mother’s Day…even this has required a lot of honest leaning (fears have only increased in following God’s leading!).
Jolene Underwood says
Anna, thank you so much for sharing this. I think I saw your book promoted by another friend. I’ll definitely look into it! There’s always a special bond when you know someone can relate to what you’re going through or have been through. I’m sure your story will be a blessing to many. I pray it is! So glad to connect with you here.
Beth Williams says
Anna,
May God bless the work on this book! I pray it helps many women!! Yo
Jamie S. Harper says
Jolene,
We have been in similar journeys lately. Blessings and thank you for writing this!
Jolene Underwood says
Hugs, friend! You bring the presence of Jesus to others, Jamie. Thank YOU!
Kelly Greer says
Counting it all joy with you Jolene! He is faithful!
Jolene Underwood says
Amen!
Martha Mitchell says
I have been holding onto your words for the past few days now. Grief and loss overwhelm me! I am a school teacher…I’ve lost THREE kids to suicide this year, 2 at our school currently and one a former student. I also lost my father a mere six weeks ago. I, too, have been very angry with God. I have forgotten what joy is like! But I keep looking to Him, because I know deep in my heart there’s just no other way… thank you for your honest words…
Jolene Underwood says
Martha, I am so so sorry for the experiences you’ve had and the pain which comes with it. I’m so glad my post has ministered to you and, more importantly, that you are continuing to look to Him! I am praying for you dear Martha.
Beth Williams says
Jolene,
Joy can be elusive. Life can seem to be going good yet there is no joy. For me it was through trials with my aging dad that I came to have joy–the joy that only comes from a deep intimate relationship with Jesus. It was through these trials that I cried out to God! I wanted them over & He said “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Through it all I have found joy in the Lord!! Now I have a deep hunger & thirst for God!!
Blessings 🙂
Jolene Underwood says
How amazing that you found joy through trial. Isn’t it beautiful how God does these upside-down things? It doesn’t make sense but it’s so so good. Blessings to you, Beth!