I watched intently as my sweet pink princess of a daughter played. She was a busy five-year-old, spunky and imaginative and always on the move.
She plodded slowly towards me, doll hanging by her side. In her eyes I could see frustration and a touch of sad.
“My doll won’t stand up!”
I took up the porcelain doll and examined her carefully.
“I don’t want her anymore,” she said.
Beneath her doll’s purple satin and lace dress was a piece of metal where a leg used to be. Collateral damage from a little girl adventure, perhaps.
“I don’t want her because she’s broken.”
Aren’t we all broken? I heard a voice inside me say.
The curly blonde doll with the blushed pink cheeks and the blinking blue eyes –something was missing, but she was still beautiful. The doll and I, we hide the broken pretty well. For many years I hid the painful reality of childhood sexual abuse. It was crippling and I doubted my worth.
I explained to my young one that even though the doll could not be fixed it didn’t mean she had no value. The lesson seemed lost on her at the time, but not to me. I am as imperfect as the doll with the missing leg. I was hiding my imperfections fearing that if someone were to find out about them they might discard me.
I was tangled in chains, wishing I was whole. Deeply wanting restoration.
Despite my brokenness and my scars, I am beautiful because God tells me I am. Unlike the doll, I can be mended. I am not broken beyond repair. He makes all things new, even me.
Through Him, I have found the courage to stop hiding the parts of me I see as ugly. And share the real me, with a world that needs to know the One who finds value in the broken.
What brokenness are you hiding? What fears keep you from letting people see the real you?
By Christy, A Heartening Life
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It is awesome to see your words here, Christy! You are beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for continuing to share your story and encourage others that healing is possible.
Thank you, Mandy, for your kind words! I appreciate your encouragement so much!
I love this story. Yes, we are valuable and beautiful in our brokenness… Maybe even MORE so because our brokenness makes us acutely aware of our need for God. Our broken places become the sweetest opportunities for encounter with Him.
🙂 Bless you Christy! Thanks for your honesty here.
I admitted recently on my blog how much I struggle with perfectionism. I love how teaching my daughter that day was actually teaching me — that beauty and value are not reserved for when we “have it all together.”
Thank you, Dana, for sharing your thoughts!
I love your analogy here. Sometimes it is easier to relate.
Thank you, Lisa! I’m glad it struck a chord.
Christy – I love how you tied the brokenness of doll, an object that reflects innocence, perfect, radiance of beauty to our human scars. You are absolutely right just because we carry scars of life it does not change our beauty and radiance of God. Love this!
Oh, yes, and that porcelain doll was meant to sit on a shelf and look pristine and perfect, too. Only someone forgot to tell my daughter that.
Why do we have so much trouble accepting we are beautiful? And if brokenness is part of who we all are, why do we hide it from everyone, as if we are the only ones suffering?
Thanks for your encouragement and your support, Nellie!
OH! This hit me just now that the way your daughter loved her fragile doll deepens the analogy…we expect that pristine newness will be God’s best for our lives and forget that He sees an inner beauty that can only come from His hand…His heart…His plan…
Honestly–I’m struggling with how my brokenness can become beautiful…and useful…and how God can meld beauty and utility to be His best…I feel like that one-legged doll, hobbling repeatedly around the same circle of failures…and I want to hide my brokenness because it feels so hopeless…wrong…dirty.
How is it that I can see the beauty in every broken doll except my own?
Dear much alone:
You are drawing some beautiful connections — that we “expect that pristine newness will be God’s best for our lives.” Yes, I have struggled with that, too. The disappointment of a life that isn’t always how we pictured it.
And beauty sometimes lies in the ashes. We are all works in progress. There was nothing beautiful about my sexual abuse, but what God has done in my life in spite of it is beautiful. Redemption.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle sometimes and it doesn’t mean that I don’t find myself back in the same familiar places — struggling with worth, shame, etc. We aren’t perfect, but God is. I think we rarely look at ourselves in the mirror and see truth. And when we can’t struggle to see our own beauty we have to believe the One that does see it.
I don’t want you to feel alone! If you want to talk about this in a more private setting, feel free to email me: christynadam(at)aol(dot)com
Christy,
Thank you for your openness and honesty! My brokenness comes from an unhappy childhood. First I had 2 busted eardrums and could not hear, thus I had to take speech classes through high school. All that made me very very shy. On top of that I lived with my older parents–50s-60s and dad was a bit of an alcoholic. Life for me was not fun at that time. Also hated living in Sunny, hot, humid Tampa, FL.
Through the years God has worked with me and shown me my worth and healed my ears–Praise God. One good thing that has come of this is that now I can do sign language to music for my church and in turn bless people and enhance their worship.
Thanks for the lessons! 🙂
I don’t want to imply that sharing our brokenness is easy. It takes courage and trust. So thank you for being vulnerable and sharing about your difficult childhood, Beth. It’s beautiful how when we expose it (instead of hiding it), God heals and redeems. That even some of the things we see as brokenness, God uses to encourage and inspire others.
Beautiful analogy. Yes, we are all broken, but our Father still sees us as beautiful! Oh, the glory of that!
Yes, if only we can wrap our minds around this truth! I’m glad it connected with you!
Thank you for sharing your brokenness, and your openness. By being so authentic, you are giving other that there is hope, help, and a haven in God’s love and compassion, no matter what! God bless ….
Thank you, Joan! I never regret sharing honestly when God is leading me there. I appreciate your encouragement!
I get this on every level. Fantastic. No more hiding for me either. Blessings!
Love this post Christy and love seeing you here at incourage!
I love and appreciate the brave that you write with to tell your story… I can relate so much and am oh so thankful for a God who finds beauty in the broken and who binds up our wounds and sets us free!