How to comfort someone who is grieving...

My comments weren't working yesterday but I got several responses to my post via e-mail. Thank you so much for sharing your hearts and hurts with me. Your words deeply touched me and I want others in our community to be able to read them as well. I'm posting a few excerpts here...

"I can truthfully say that the most comfort I received were from family and friends that chose to sit beside during my grief and remain silent while I was at a loss to what had happened.  To this day whenever I am around people in grief, I try to just sit still and listen.  I know that people still say with their best intentions, ‘They are in a better place, You will see them again.’  That is not what people that are grieving want to hear, so they leave without being comforted.  I ask GOD to help me comfort them with his love and be his arms and strength for the moment."

"In the months that followed the loss of my son I wanted most of all for people to remember him, to speak of him, to let me share about him.   I was surprised how uncomfortable speaking of the deceased made some people.  You could just see them stiffen, and be at a loss for words.  My  worst fear was that he would somehow be forgotten by others, as if he never existed, so I wanted to talk about him and his life.   My advice to those close to someone who is grieving would be to follow the lead of the person suffering the loss and allow them to speak freely of their loved one.  Don't be uncomfortable!    In their hearts he is still very much alive and they need to share that relationship in order to heal.   Just listening and allowing them to comfortably share means so much."

 "I lost my husband 3 years ago. Overnight, I was a single mom with 2 teenagers. It amazed me what people would say to me and think it was comforting. One young woman told me ‘not to cry. Jesus was now my husband.’ I knew she meant well, but she had no idea how that hurt me on so many levels. Telling me that my husband was ‘dancing in heaven’ when I could hardly function wasn't really comforting either. The people that helped the most told me how much they loved my husband. They were willing to share stories and memories and didn't run from the tears. The people that would just say they were sorry and accept that this was extremely hard and didn't trivialize my pain with clichés were the most comforting. I knew the ‘correct’ things to say, and I didn't want or need to hear them. Grief support group got me through. I knew they understood. They didn't expect me to ‘get over it’. And, I didn't sound crazy when sharing in that group."

“People said, ‘You can have more children.’ This is not comforting when you are experiencing the loss of the baby you couldn't hold in your arms. You want THIS one—the one that slipped through your fingers before you could kiss him/her on the face, before you could whisper that ‘momma is here. Longing for the next child comes much later.”

“The year I lost my father, I didn't want a birthday. I wanted my Dad. I turned 44 that year. I was at work. The girls in the office rotated a card which everyone wrote birthday greetings on. Most of them said things like, 'I know you're sad, but have as happy a birthday as you can.' What one lady wrote to me, I'll never forget, and it will always be a treasured memory. She wrote, 'Your father rejoiced the day you were born. Remember that on your birthday.' That spoke to me like nothing else. It comforted me like nothing else. She gave me the most meaningful present on my birthday that year. She brought my precious Daddy to my birthday, a beautiful image for me to treasure."

One of my new favorite bloggers, Molly from The Pipers, wrote a beautiful and compelling post about grief yesterday. I hope you'll visit her site and read it as well. I'm going to close with a quote about grief from her...

“I feel like I’ve fought it tooth and nail. But now I’m coming to more of a peace with it. I’m accepting it more. One of my dear friends through this process (who is older and wiser than me, thank God) shared with me recently about a grief she’d been facing in her life. Something she said really stood out to me. She told me, ‘I’m gonna drink this painful cup all the way down, just drain it. And I’m gonna ask the Lord to make it something beautiful.’ ”

The Super-Duper Quick and Easy Encouragement Guide

As a greeting card writer people often say to me with fear and trembling, “I want to encourage others...but what do I say?” I know that look in their eyes. It’s the same one I get when I try to cook or decorate. (Yes, it’s true. I could write a book about a party but I’m not sure I’ve got the skills to actually throw one.)

That’s why I love those recipes that have five ingredients, take ten minutes, and make you look like you’re the queen of the kitchen. The five tips below are intended to work the same way when it comes to encouraging someone. Those you care about will feel loved, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief, and with all your free time you can send me an e-mail about how to be more domestic.

Here are five simple words you need to remember when it comes to encouragement...

1) Small – Most people receive applause for the big things in life. Promotions, new babies, and consistently great hair get a lot of attention. But few of us get told when we do the little things well. Choose something you think no one else has noticed and say something.

2) Specific – It’s easy to give global compliments. The word “special” has gotten a bad rap for this reason. It sounds good…but what exactly does it mean? Show you’re paying attention by making the compliment like a little gift you picked out just for that person. For example, “I love the way you snort when you laugh because it sounds like a train whistle.”

3) Sincere – Flattery is always a no-no. On the other hand, don’t let this make you clam up. I have this internal dialogue that runs through my head every time I get ready to give a compliment. It goes something like, “Do I mean it? What if I think I meant it but I might not mean it but I do think I mean it but they don’t think I mean it?” So I’m saying to both of us right now, stop it. The fact that we’re worried about it means we mean it. Enough already…spit it out.

4) Sensitive – This doesn’t mean that you need to hand them a kitten and share some cotton candy. Sensitivity simply means being aware of your audience. Know what makes them feel loved. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great resource. He says there are five primary ways we give and receive love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Gifts. I’ve been talking primarily about words (that’s mine) but for the one you love it might be someone else. Be a detective and figure it out.

5) Spiritual – Finally, we all want to have a greater meaning in purpose in life. But while we’re busy washing dishes, changing diapers, or going to meetings that can seem far away. Help those you love connect the dots by saying things like, “The way you nurture your kids reminds me of God’s heart for us.”

Mix all of the above, combine with prayer, and share generously. You’ll be the Rachel Ray of encouragement before you know it. And everyone will be coming back for more.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. I THESSALONIANS 5:11 NIV

Christmas Cards and Confessions

Hello Everyone!

I'm sorry I haven't written much lately. I've been battling a yucky cold. As much as I wish it weren't true, Dayquil and inspirational messages just don't mix. Until my brain goes back on duty, I wanted to share an article I wrote with you. It's a little guide to what you can write in Christmas cards for all of those (like me) who find the task a bit daunting. I hope you enjoy it and I'm praying all of you are warm and well today.

To read the article, just click here.