Hope Like a Child

 

(Note: This post wasn't written today...but it seemed time to share it.)

I thought I was pregnant.

I started playing out scenarios in my mind—how I would tell my parents, when the baby would come, what it would be like to hear the laughter of a child in our house.

I knew better but I hoped anyway.

Most of the time I'm at peace and content with where I am in my journey so I just don't think about how things could be different...but once in awhile I do.

Do you know what that’s like? Maybe not with having a child but with that dream you carry around in a little box in your heart—lid tightly on, rarely spoken of, the one that breaks your heart and keeps it going all at the same time?

This morning I knew for sure that dream wasn’t coming true this month.

I called a friend and told her the news. She made that sound that women do when they’re comforting each other. She said that she was sorry and that she would take a walk with me.

I hung up the phone and wandered around the house, fighting the feelings.

I tend to hold sadness at arm’s length.

But today I pictured myself as a little girl running toward God, arms outstretched, tears streaming, calling, “Abba, Daddy, it hurts.”

And I imagined Him scooping me up, letting me rest my head on his shoulder as I cried, saying again and again, “It’s okay. Daddy’s here and He loves you.”

So I let myself boo-hoo. Or, as we say in the South, the head hangin' tears drippin' snot streamin' kind of cryin' that makes the dog worry a little.

And I was okay again.

It seems we try to protect God from our grief, as if it means He’s not taking care of us—otherwise wouldn’t we be like happy little children all the time?

But I'm slowly learning that the child who can run to a parent in a moment of pain, even if the parent has somehow allowed it (like shots at the doctor), that is a different sort of trust and love. We’re expressing, “You are my safe place no matter what.”

"Though he slay me yet will I trust him," said Job.

So I come again to the One who came for me—who knows what it’s like for hope to cost.

Yet a heart that never hurts is one that never hopes...and that is the highest price of all.

One I’m not willing to pay. 

I went on the walk with my friend and her two little ones. We looked for turtles in a pond, skipped rocks, and laughed at the ducks--gifts from Heavenly Father. I found joy. And gradually I knew again that just as my friend takes care of her children, He takes care of us...always.

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere. Psalm 84:10

Lord, our hope is in you alone.

 

What is your heart hoping for today?

p.s. Remember you have until midnight CST on Tuesday the 10th to enter the Danielson Sign giveaway!

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Comments

[BJ Hamrick]

"...a heart that never hurts is one that never hopes...and that is the highest price of all."

This is the post I needed today. So many hopes, which are worth the hurts... and I know one day our longings will be fulfilled.

Thank you...

[Lisa M]

Thanks for sharing this today, what a good reminder.

[Fiona]

You made me make snot today.

One of the hardest things i learnt to accept when I had my miscarriages is that God grieves when we grieve.

I love your transparency Holley - that you can use what God teaches you, even in great pain and hurt.

xx

[~Grace & Peace]

Thank you for sharing your story, Joy. I pray that, in time, God will give you the desires of your heart.

My heart hopes today -

For my harvest to come. The one mentioned in Psalm 126 - you know, the one sown in tears? God brought that word to my attention last Thursday - my husband's birthday. Seemed appropriate.

Then had a not so good weekend in the financial arena (my son's college is discontinuing the monthly tuition plan after 1 stinking quarter and requires the winter term full amount by 12/15). Financial arenas always seem to affect the marital arena. So that was that.

But this morning, I got a reminder in the form of an unread e-mail from a ministry. It was not there yesterday, nor Saturday but the date was - yes, my husband's birthday. I was about to delete it when I noticed the subject line: "Your harvest time!"

You better believe there was joy! And tears. But most definitely joy. God is good!

[Melissa]

I know that pain yet I know the blessings the Lord has on the other end, I will be praying for you.

I remember well each time the cycle failed, the continuation of more daily shots I had to give myself, and when I just couldn't go on one ... more ... moment I felt the Lord grab ahold of me tight and cradle me in His arms whispering in my ear over and over again for me to repeat to myself, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil 4:13

My hopes: peace within me that reaches outward to my family and my home. God bless

[Jessica Olivares]

Hi Holley,

Thanks for sharing =)

I relate with this: "It seems we try to protect God from our grief, as if it means He’s not taking care of us—otherwise wouldn’t we be like happy little children all the time?" . I used to struggle with this a lot, I didn't allowed myself to feel sad or show God my grief because I thought that I was being ungrateful with Him since this thing that made me feel bad was nothing (so I thought) compared to all the other blessings I had. Now, I allow myself to feel the grief... most of the times =S!

So thanks again, your blog is a blessing!

God bless you Holley =)

[Andrea]

I cried last night over this very thing...thinking I was pregnant and once again, not being pregnant (nearly 6 yrs now). It's been a while since I've let myself cry over this...after all, God has given me peace that it will all come together in His time. I actually felt guilty after crying and then thinking, BUT I have so many blessings in my life. Thank you for giving me permission to just cry. I needed to here that it's okay and be reminded that He embraces me in my tears.

[Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect]

Ahhh, Holley, your post makes my heart hurt. But you also point us toward truth - He IS our safe place. And He can handle our hurts. Thank you for sharing.

[Bonnie Gray]

"It seems we try to protect God from our grief.."

The moment I read this line, I knew God had you write it for me. ;)

I don't know why I do this.. Then, I come to my senses and every time I snuggle back into His embrace, I wonder why I forget this!

Happy Monday, Holley!

[Maureen]

This is such a beautiful post!!!! There's nothing like a good cry with the Father to embrace the sadness of the moment. Thanks for this wonderful imagery.

[Kristi]

Wow....you hit me hard this afternoon. I've become very accustomed to not hoping because without hope there is no disappointment. "Yet a heart that never hurts is one that never hopes...and that is the highest price of all." I still don't know if I'm ready to re-embrace the hope, but thanks for the reminder that it's worth it.

[Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience]

Your words write to the raw... and apply a soothing balm.

I ache with you... though He may slay, still we will trust. You mentor me in the most realest and gentlest of ways...

You are loved, Holley.
So.

(((Holley)))

All's grace,
Ann

[Reese]

I was just praying for you, and your season, a couple days ago, Holley, in my car. My prayer is/was that our Heavenly Father grants you your desire(s); but, furthermore hold you until you are "ok;" if his will does not exactly line up with your desire(s).

I pray the same for myself, as it relates to finding my soulmate...that is the "What" behind my hoping heart.... Ultimately, "Not my will, but thine," Dear Father....

[Monica @ The Writer Chic]

Holley, I love your vulnerability. And I'm praying for the day your hope is made real. Hugs.

[Amber@theRunaMuck]

Holley. Thank you for this. So many of us need that cry.

I love you, sister.

[amy]

I'm with Monica...I too am praying for the day your hope is made real! :)

And Holley, what I am hoping for, is that one of my dearest friends who just found out she has breast cancer, has caught it early enough that she lives a long and healthy life with her husband and 2 precious daughters. Will you pray for that with me? My heart hurts for her right now.
Love you Holley!
Amy

[Heather]

Love you, Holley.

[deb @ talk at the table]

How you honour us with this shared pain. To give hope to others , even in your wavering .
I thought of you this weekend when I was reading Parting the Waters, by Jeanne Damoff.
Finding beauty in the brokenness and extending loving thoughts to others , even in her time of despair.
That is you.

[Linda]

Oh Holley - thank you for sharing your heart, for it so enriches and encourages. Too often I look for answers and want to reason it all out, when all I really need is to do just as you have said - run into His outstretched arms and find the love and comfort He offers.

[Mary Lynn]

Today I had a ministry staff meeting. I was really dreading it as I feel a little lost or ineffective in my ministry right now. I have really been questioning if this is right for me now. I walked away with a some renewed sense of purpose. I am hoping for peace about what I should be focusing my attention and efforts on for God and His Kingdom.

[Mona Agosto]

You don't know how much this has touched my heart. Last night I cried myself to sleep because my husband and I so want a children and it just hasn't happened for us yet. A couple of times I thought I was pregnant and come to find out that I wasn't. Last night I was praying and I asked God if he even new how I felt because I was hurting so much inside. Then this morning when I began to read your "Hope like a child" the tears began to falls as I read it. It was answer to my prayer He does hear me just maybe sometimes I don't hear Him when He so close to me.

Always & God Bless You!

Mona

[Drilma]

Holley,
You have blown me away with your 40 Days of JOY. How incredible to think about what brings us Joy and what GOD wants when we experience JOY. Thanks for sharing your heart, you are wonderful. God's best to you my friend.
Drilma

[Bianca]

Sweet Holley,

Thank you for posting this blog.

[Jo@Mylestones]

The kind of cry that "makes the dog worry a little". I smiled a bit at that. I know that kind of cry. I loved how you put it--that He is our safe place no matter what.

[Monica P.]

Hello. I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before. Thank you for writing this. I've known the exact grief you are describing... for some time. And right now other things we are going through feel so hard that I want to just wail out loud and see no way out. Minutes ago I wrote someone an e-mail quoting the exact Bible verse from Job that you wrote, 'Though He slay me, I will trust Him.' Then I read it again in your post. Isn't that something?