The Choice

Grief Support Group began again last night. We have one, fittingly, once a season. I help as part of my counseling internship.

The first night for me is always the same. I pull into the parking lot and think hard about staying in the car. I look at the building, whisper a quiet prayer, grip the steering wheel, and glance at the "R" that stands for "Reverse."

Eventually I go, feeling inadequate, wondering who I am to think I can help. The other leaders, so brave and beautiful, welcome me and make me feel as if perhaps I have something to offer after all.

Then the people come one-by-one, drifting through the door. They are silent and scared. They look at the floor. Then someone catches their eyes or embraces them with an unexpected hug and they smile before they can stop themselves.

From there we eat, share, begin to enter into each other's sorrow. We feed ourselves with the bread of brokenness. Drink the wine of tears. And somehow, we are nourished enough to face another day.

Yet always, still, there is this moment when I must choose. Because our humanity shuns loss. We fear it, misunderstand it, pull back and away. My heart begins to pound and the walls start to go up. It's as if a security alarm has sounded--the kind in movies--and everything within me is shouting, "Shut down!"

I stand, paralyzed for a moment because I know what this choice means. If I listen to the warning bells and let the walls go up, I will be safe. But I will be alone. And those who need my help will be on the other side.

But if I ignore the sirens and surrender to the sorrow then I will be hurt. Yes, as a counselor I'm trained to find balance but I'm not a robot. And if I don't stop now my tears will mingle with theirs, a bit of their burden will be mine to carry.

We all have this choice a hundred times a day. Do we feel or deny? Do we see or ignore? Do we hear or shut ourselves away?

I have done all of the above. But at Grief Group this night I suddenly see in my mind's eye a road stretched before me. I know it's the road that leads to shared sorrow. And as I stare at it, considering, I see footprints along the way. They are familiar and, gradually, I realize they are His.

The One who could have locked heaven's doors chose instead to step outside and come alongside us. He could not have done more to become part of our suffering. And in that moment I know I can do no less.

So I silence the alarms and move forward, tentatively and with trembling, until I feel His hand in mine and His voice whispering in my ear. "Peace, daughter, I have been here before. I will show you the way." With my hand cradled in His, I find the courage again to reach out for the hand of another.

I have chosen. We will walk this road, so broken and beautiful, together...until it leads us back to joy.  

Comments

[BJ Hamrick]

This gave me chills.

[Terrie]

Thank you Holly...it's your leading that helps so many when they need it. Loss is a tough journey, but less rough when shared with others

[Molly Piper]

This is so true. Thanks for sharing this.

[Jennifer Saake (a.k.a. InfertilityMom)]

Precious Holley, your description of feeling vulnerable and wanting to put that car into R made me think of 1 Cor. 2: 3-5 where Paul writes, "I was unsure of how to go about this, and felt totally inadequate—I was scared to death, if you want the truth of it—and so nothing I said could have impressed you or anyone else. But the Message came through anyway. God's Spirit and God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's power, not to some fancy mental or emotional footwork by me or anyone else." (The Message)
Praising God for using our fears and weaknesses to His greatest glory when we allow Him to do so! (I actually landed in Cor. reading your devotional on strength in weakness this morning.)

[jane]

sometimes, i am really scared to get too involved with people's emotions. i have a friend who gets really worked up talking about the hardships in her life and it makes me scared. thanks for sharing this. i will pray for the grace to continue walking with her. also, kind of nervous about leading (worship, prayer), this entry and the comment above are great reminders to look to Him for what I need. thanks!

[Maria Jones-Davidson]

Dear Holley, The seriousness of people's issues like losing a friend or a loved one or just finding themselves being trapped in their circumstances are enough to make you wonder how are you gonna handle all of it. Yet you know you have His hand in yours and this is what makes it so special. You can then move on and allow yourself freedom to express how you feel about them because of the hand of God and His love in your life. They therefore find solace and security in Jesus' Name!