I cried on the way to Panera Café this morning…

Several people this week have asked me how I’m feeling about our infertility. I haven’t talked about it for awhile because there’s never anything new to share. But since my book came out, the subject has come up again.

It’s not that I mind mentioning it. It’s been four and a half years so discussing it is the equivalent of talking about my elbow. I actually have to remind myself that there are certain subjects that are not appropriate for polite conversation. Actually, I’m doing that now. So, moving on...

I tell most people who ask, “I’m at peace about it.” That usually evokes a puzzled look on my part and theirs. There’s a second or two of silence in which we look at our shoes and/or the ceiling. Then they say something like, “Oh, that’s good.” And I say, “Yeah, it is.” Then we smile awkwardly and move on to something else.

I walk away from those conversations always feeling as if I didn’t express myself well. I feel like a Sunday School teacher giving a pat answer, a nice little Christian cliché. But there’s so much more to that word “peace” than I’ve been able to explain.

Until this morning.

As I was driving, I reflected back over our journey and I realized the kind of peace I meant. It’s not the pansy, pie-in-the-sky, life-is-perfect peace. No, this is the kind of peace that comes after war. It’s the hard-won, show-you-my-scars, didn’t-think-I’d-live-to-tell-about-it, peace. It’s not gentle—it’s wild, fierce, and I’m not giving it up, not ever, because I paid too high a price to get it.

When I realized that, I cried.

There’s something beautiful about naming and knowing the place where you are in life. I could feel myself sigh inside and say, “Yes, that’s it.” This peace is mine and I can stay there as long as I’d like. I can eat the food, put my feet on the furniture, and invite my friends over.

It was once the land I fought for and pursued. Now it's the place where my heart lives.

It's good to be home.

Comments

[Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect]

Holley...what a beautiful picture you've painted of the peace God has given you. I knew...after I asked you about kids at Blissdom...not that your answer was anything but polite, but I just knew. I've had a couple friends and a dear cousin struggle with infertility, so I have seen how hard it can be on a person. Thank you for sharing your heart - and God's message - on this blog!!

[Saul]

Wow Holley - I love your description of the incredible value of the peace after war. Thanks for sharing it!

[Cynthia]

Thank you for making yourself vulnerable and sharing your heart with us all! I admire your faith and courage...what a blessing you are to me!

[Ellen]

I totally get that. Totally.

[Marsha]

Holley,

This kind of peace is often hard for me to even grasp myself at times, even though I experience it in my own life. Thanks for putting it so perfectly into words that are so easy to grasp, as I continue to walk in His peace.

[Lizzie]

This is good.
I don't have the same trial as you, but your thoughts about how hard the battle for peace is resonated with me.
Yes, I fought too hard to get here (and paid too high a price) to just throw it all away.
Thank you for sharing.

[Kari]

You description of peace after war is so eloquent. I lost my firstborn son 7 years ago and I think that peace grows so much over time.

Thank you for sharing this!

[Allison Massie]

I have walked that road that meanders and winds through places you thought you would never go, I have found myself there in teh warzone, fought on that battlefied, and walked away wounded. I understand that sort of peace. You learn to redefine whole, grieve the dreams you lost and the plans you built, and slowly you grasp that He has plans all His own. I think that's when the peace beings to seep in. The trick is to choose to stay there. I forget sometimes, but He reminds me.

[Grateful for Grace]

That is a perfect way to describe peace found through trials. Thank you for sharing it!

[Karen Lewis]

Holley,

I'm visiting your blog for the first time via Shannon from Rocks in My Dryer's Saturday Linkage. All I can say is WOW - I'm so glad I followed that link.

You are a truly gifted writer and you nailed it when you spoke about peace found through trials. We are never the same - and sometimes? That's okay.

[Melanie]

The kind of peace that comes after war.

No words...

[Kat]

BEAUTIFUL writing!

[Ann Voskamp @ Holy Experience]

Holley....
Stirring posts leave us mulling something round and round... take our words and let us just circle something.

I've been circling your post all day.... "the kind of peace after a war."

You wield your words, cut straight to the quick, strike us with sharp, fresh truth, and we are not the same.

Thank you, brave heart, victory veteran...

All's grace,
Ann

[Amy]

I am visiting your blog for the first time today via Rocks in My Dryer. I am so glad that I clicked over.

My hubby and I have struggled with secondary infertility for 7 1/2 years (our son will be 8 on Tuesday). While our stories are different, I my heart resounds with the words you have written.

"A peace that comes after war..." What a beautiful way to describe it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

[Tasha]

Thank you so much for writing about your infertility. We have been trying for almost 9 years now to have a baby. I totally understand what you mean about war, I hope that one day I can have that peace. For now we are still fighting.

[Lori]

Very well said. I have a 16 year-old adopted, beautiful, miracle, blessing of a son after 8 years of infertility. I will never forget the war, but oh what peace I have today! Blessings to you!

[Michelle]

What a beautiful post, I have been blessed with three wonderful children, I have one angel in heaven and I never wanted anything more then to have a child with my husband, but it just wasn't meant to be and I have peace about that.

[jenni narca]

hi,

i'm reading this for the first time and i really appreciate your testimony.

God bless your good heart.

[Denise]

Holley,

I am so impressed with the way that you put this peace into words. My husband and I too have struggled with infertility for over 4 years (secondary infertility, we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter -- that certainly eases the pain). Can I ask how you know what the next step is? I believe that God has adoption in mind for us but my husband does not feel it yet...and I'm completely unsure about infertility treatments. Part of me feels like this peace is a gift and I should live happily ever after and the other part of me feels like God is waiting on me to get off my rump and get some medical attention or get to an orphanage. I've been trying for years to discern what comes next...

[Melody]

Dear Holley,

I received posts from dayspring and the phrase "God would give us a child" caught my eye. So I clicked on the links and found out about your "infertility.

You are right about HOPE, you are right about "PEACE" too. I just wanted to share that I have been on the journey you're on - the emotional roller coaster and yearning, etc. that goes with the situation.

I am also happy (understatement) to let you know that my husband and I were gifted with a son, I gave birth to my precious gift from God exactly 11 years and four months after we were married :)

Isn't God great? The conception, pregnancy and birth is another totally different story about God's grace and faithfullness. But, I just wanted to let you know, when I got to the place of PEACE, that's when God finally said I was ready for His gift.

[Jennifer Saake (a.k.a. InfertilityMom)]

Just rereading this again today and sending a little {hug} your way. Thank you for so beautifully expressing what so many of us have had to learn to process.
You remain in my prayers.
jenni

[C.C.]

Holley,

I think I may have come across this post once before, but today, after receiving the email with your post for today, I clicked on the link and came back. I totally identify with everything you said, and actually (strangely so), it reminded me of a post I wrote back in February... http://his-heart.blogspot.com/2009/02/time-for-healing.html.

Thank you for being who you are in such a transparent way. You really are a blessing to others!

C.C.

[Grace]

Holley,

I just found your blog through something you posted at (In)Courage. I love what you said about peace!

I have never struggled with infertillity, but I have been on my own deeply painful journey to a place of peace. You expressed what this peace feels like better than I've been able to so far. Thank you for that!

May God continue to bless you on your journey toward his heart.

- Grace

[Pam]

I just happened upon your fertility story due to a Day Spring email. My husband and I struggled with the very same thing many years ago. I took hormones that made me awful to be around and we also tried artificial insemination once due to cost. Three years of that were just awful. However one year of trying to adopt was wonderful. We went through Children's Home Society of NC. A birth mother chose us and the rest is history. God gave us a healthy wonderful child. He's 10 now. He knows God brought him to us. In fact I spent "go eat lunch with your child day" telling his friends all about him being adopted. There were so many "God things" that happened. He is a walking miracle in our eyes as there was NO prenatal care until 8 mos into the pregnancy and we know little to nothing about the birth father. Sometimes God does give us our heart's desires but in His way. We have friends who adopted twins from Russia and have since had two biological children. That seems to happen often...once the pressure is off. God bless you in this adventure.

[Jerry]

I have not experienced infertility but we have friends and family that are going through that "war".Your expression of peace was helpful to me and could be shared with them.

Thanks-a-million!
Jerry