A is for Anxiety

Last night driving home my heartbeat was tap-tap-tapping againt my chest like a crazed woodpecker. I rolled my eyes and thought, "Hello, anxiety, my old friend." And the truth is, anxiety is a long-time companion of mine. As a child it gave me inexplicable stomach aches. The doctors ran tests and finally chalked it up to stress. I used to hide out in the bathroom (not the men's bathroom like I did recently) because being alone and quiet made my anxiety better. I have two small dimples on the inside of my cheeks where I've bitten down on them for years when I get nervous. I sweat when I have intense conversations--positive or negative. I own several books on social anxiety.

Those who know me personally would probably be surprised to hear me say all of this. I sometimes get told, "You seem so calm and like you've got it all together." That always makes me want to burst into laughter (or tears) and never ceases to shock the living daylights out of me.

Through the years my anxiety has gotten a lot better. And, recently, I've begun to even see it as an essential part of who I am. My anxiety may make it hard to walk into a party sometimes...but it also tunes me into everyone there. I've got an emotional thermometer inside me that detects even the slightest shift in mood. That makes me sensitive. It helps me write and counsel. If anxiety is really just our bodies being in "alert" mode then I would miss a lot without it.

Stephen Covey once said, "If you pick up a stick you get both ends." I'm starting to see that my strengths are very closely tied to my weaknesses. For example, sensitivity = strength, anxiety = weakness. But I wouldn't have one without the other. Perhaps it's really just about focusing on the end of the stick that is helpful and letting the other stuff go.

This has been on my mind since last night, and I can't help thinking that one of you needs to hear it. So if it's you, then know that the thing you keep asking God to remove may actually be beautiful in His sight and a part of His plan when you offer it to Him. It's not about eliminating but consecrating...giving all of who we are, as we are, and trusting Him with the rest.

(And if this is for you, please share...I'd love to know I'm not the only one with a few quirks. If I really am the only one then my anxiety will probably go to a whole differrent level--the one where it feels like a hyperactive chihuahua is living in my chest rather than just a little ol' woodpecker.)

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 

Comments

[Antje]

I can relate and I am very glad you have shared this Holley. Believe me, you are not alone.
And at 42 I have learned to concentrate of the better side of the stick. We may never be Cosmo`s Fun Fearless Female :-), but there are plenty of people who are perfectly happy with what we have to offer, and would not want to have us any other way. God bless you. Have a good weekend.

[Bonnie]

I too had an incident last night where I wanted to give up and just sit down in the middle of the grocery story and cry. I know it sounds funny but I was in a crowded store alone, my phone rang multiple times, I was hungry (my blood sugar was low which I have found leads to heightened anxiety for me), all I wanted to grab was some dinner for myself and I just could not get my thoughts together with all the buzz around me. It was a complete sense of overwhelment (probably not a word but it works). My mom finally called and I answered when I was checking out and she just breath, be careful, and take your time. It was as if my mind was moving at 100mph and when my body would not keep up my anxiety rose.

[Misty]

Wow...Just what I needed at just the time I needed it. God is Awesome!

I am also a sufferer of anxiety, which makes my present situation much worse. I have been under the thumb of a terrible boss for about 2 years now, and she finally got me where she wanted me,and terminated my job of 10 years just last week. I had a full fledged panic attack and had to be escorted to my practicioner.

I have a wonderful husband and 3 small children, and I know God has bigger and better things in store for me. But every once in a while, the enemy tries his best to convince me otherwise, hence the anxiety issue.

Holly...PLEASE keep up your encouragement, this seems like such a bad time to not have a job, as if there is a GOOD time. Please pray for me and my family that we will see God's work through this difficult time.

I could go on and on, but I will end with this... If you are one of Holly's subscribers, please fervently pray for me too. I need it right now!

Thanks so much, and God bless.

[Jennifer]

You hit the nail on the head. Great post. I was one of "those stomach ache kids" too and as an adult anxiety comes and goes. Thanks for sharing.

[Jeanette Levellie]

Dear Holley: You are so wonderful, to be willing to be transparent, so that we could grow by your love. Just like Jesus! All my life I have frustrated myself by my need to communicate and motivate. I was made fun of and shamed as a child for talking too much. Then I discovered my gift: communication! I am a writer, speaker and Christian columnist. So, of course I'd want to talk, teach, write, sing, and talk some more! The enemy of our souls would love to turn our Godly character qualities into faults to be ashamed of, but we have found him out, and we know better now! Thank you for your kind encouragement. And, I am praying for the lady who lost her job.
Jeanette Levellie
P.S. I was at the Indy Christian Writers' Conference with you. You were awesome! Never would have known about the woodpeckers!

[holley]

Thanks so much to all of you! Your honesty and encouragement blessed me more than you know. I love hearing from you!
Misty, we'll certainly be praying for you and your job situation. I'm so glad you let us know.
I want this to be a place where we support and care for each other so please feel free to post prayer requests anytime you'd like.
Holley

[Jenny B]

Holley,

I just had to tell you, you're not the only one with inner cheek dimples! I have those too, from many years of biting on the inside of my cheeks as a little overly-sensitive kid. I really appreciate your "both sides of the stick" analogy. What a great analogy for those of us who tend to bemoan the ends of the "sticks" God has given us, and not appreciate the strength in the middle.

Thanks!

[ally]

Sometimes your words are hauntingly familiar . . . I think that being hyper vigilant in social settings DOES have that wonderful affect of being able to see the hurting ones, I just wish it didn't hurt so much! Obviously this post was written months ago, but it does my heart good to know I'm not the only one! And I'm so grateful for Ipod's :) Makes getting through the grocery MUCH easier!