My Other Anniversary

A week ago I celebrated my 8th wedding anniversary. That date marked another anniversary for my husband and I as well. Four years ago we started the journey to having a family. And we're still not there yet, although we do have one baby in heaven we'll one day meet.

I debated about whether or not I should share this with you. After all, it's personal and painful. But in the end, I decided it's too much a part of who I am and the journey I'm on with God not to let you know.

If you'd told me, "It's going to be at least four years" when we started down this path I think I would have said, "I'm not strong enough to wait that long." But you know what? With God, somehow I am. That's just one of the many surprises I've discovered along the way.

Yes, there have been difficult days. I've cried a lot of tears. I've yelled in anger at God. I've spent months in a blur of wondering and waiting.

But there have also been blessings I never could have imagined, joy deeper than I've ever known, peace that passes understanding, and love wrapped around me like a blanket for my heart.

I wrote a card for DaySpring that expresses some of these things. On the cover, it says...

In hard times she'd learned three things--

She was stronger than she'd ever imagined.

Jesus was closer than she ever realized.

And she was loved more than she ever knew.

Would I have chosen this journey? Never. Would I trade it knowing that I do now? Not a chance. That sounds crazy but it's true.

So this other anniversary is a mixed-up mess of laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, heartache and hope. I've come to believe most of life is that way.

There's a verse in Proverbs that says something like, "Even in laughter the heart may sorrow and joy may end in grief." In our black and white world, that feels a bit odd. But this side of heaven it seems everything is a mixed-up, beautiful, broken mess...and we somehow live by grace in the middle of it all.

You may be wondering, "Where are you going on your journey to having kids next?" The answer is, "I don't know." I'd appreciate your prayers for God to bring forth new life through me and make me fruitful--whether that is through a child or in another way. That's what He's put on my heart to pray and I would love for you to join me.

And although I may not know where I'm going on this journey, I do know who is going with me--my husband, family, friends, and a God who has shown me He is a Redeemer of the broken places in our lives. In this moment, for this step, that is somehow enough.

Comments

[Jason And Lisa Rovenstine]

Thanks for taking us on the journey with you and allowing us to be part of it.

We love your transparency and what God is doing in your life.

You're an inspiration!

[Cynthia]

You are an amazing woman and a great inspiration to me! I am excited to see where God leads you on your journey and I am honored to support you through it all!

[Laura]

Amazing, inspirational - both words that definitely describe you. And His grace is so sufficient. :) I'll continue praying for you to have the "fruit" that God has planned for you. Thank you for always being so willing to share your heart!

[Elizabeth]

Your Word Touch my Tender Heart.

Thank You for giving me encouragement through my journey.

[Misty Sheldon]

Holley, I do not even know you, but I have somehow linked up to your website from a friend. I was caught by the very personal story you shared. I have been married 9 1/2 years and have struggled with infertility for 6 years. The great news of my story is that after 4 of those years, on a day that God closed one door (too personal to share in email), He opened another with a phone call from a distant family friend who asked if we would be interested in adopting a baby boy that would be born in 3 months. After the birth of our son (I got to be there for it all!) I now see the amazing plan God had all along. He is now 2 and looks just like me and unfortunately acts just like me, HA! I am absolutely amazed that He truly does hear our prayers and sees a much bigger plan than we could ever imagine! So touched by your words, will definitely log on again to keep up with your blog, what an encouragement to all those who read it. Looking forward to reading about your miracle as well!

[Lana]

Wow,Holley. I always get emails from dayspring. I am inspired by what you write. I have things i want to share with you about the looses inmy life. Since Sept 11, 06 I have lost my 16 year old son, then my grandson(10 weeks old) died from sids July 8, 2007 and then my mom just passed away at 69 years May 30, 2008. Three major losses in 21 months. I am really struggling and we dont have support groups here locally. Is there an email address that i can get to share more with you. Always lana

[Barbara Moore]

Hi Holly:
I just read your letter about having a child in heaven.I pray you will find peace in the future. When I read this I thought of my granddaughter. My daughter had a 15 yr old granddaughter and wanted to give her a sister. She had tried for several years to have another baby but God answered in another way. Her husband worked at a place where the owner had adopted a child from ElSalvador. He told my son-in-law to go for it. Not long after this little Layne came to our family. She was 1 yr. old. She is 14 now. She has brought so much joy to all of us and loves the Lord so much. My daughter and family are going back to visit Layne's home country and she will meet her birth family. She has a twin brother there, 2 sisters and her birth mother. She is so excited and I can't wait to hear all about it when she comes home. God always answers prayers. Sometimes in supriseing ways.
God bless all of you. Barb

[Becky Gusich]

Hi, Holley - my husband and I went through the same thing as you and your husband are going through now. We were married two years when we started to try for a child. After two years of trying, we began the medical work-up. We were told "difficult but not impossible," so we kept trying (except for the invasive treatments). Finally, we came to the realization that we just wanted to be parents, and would accept any way that it would happen. We had friends who adopted a boy domestically through a local agency, and we were able to get on the waiting list. Well, after eight years total, we were blessed with a little boy, who was 28 days at the time (the legal waiting period), and who is now 22 years old! When he was two, we were told that we could adopt again with the same agency. This time, we waited only about 6 months, when we got the call that a prospective birth mom had chosen us from a description of our family. The baby hadn't been born yet, but we accepted whoever the Lord would provide. We were blessed with another boy, and met him as he was brought from the hospital at 5 days, due to an orthopedic problem, which has since been corrected. He is now 19 years old! Through it all, we never doubted what the Lord would provide for us. And, we thank our blessings every day for these two wonderful sons!

[Hazel Garrett]

God bless you, dear one and thank you so much for sharing from your heart. May God continue to use you in an awesome way to help others while you are making the journey with them.
Keep serving Him,

[D.S.]

Hi, Holley,
I just read your letter about your journey to have a child for the second time. I felt prompted in my heart to write and encourage you. My husband and I had been blessed with one child already and desired to have more children. We decided to step out in faith and believe God for another child when my oldest was almost 4. Unfortunately and to our great sadness and disappointment, we lost our second child in miscarriage not long after beginning our journey to add to our family. Shortly thereafter, we decided to try again to have another child. To our even greater disappointment and sadness we lost our third child in miscarriage also. Needless to say, after these losses our faith was "shot". I spent the next two years grieving over these losses. The desire to have another child never left me. Finally, the Lord began dealing with me to attend a "Recovering from the losses of life" group that was being held at our church. The night that I showed up for the class I found out that they were into the third week of class. However, I realized through the course of that first meeting that God placed me there at just the right time. I knew that I needed the kind of emotional healing that only comes from God. I strongly believe that there are some things in life that one may never get over without the healing and helping hand of God. I was at that point in my grief. That night two other young women attended that had also experienced miscarriages in their lives. Just sharing and having people who really cared and had been through the same experience helped me a great deal. However, that was only the beginning. God had greater things in store for me that night. After the meeting was over, several of us stayed behind and continued to share. One woman said that she felt led of the Lord to pray for me. I told her that it would be okay, for I had come that evening open to whatever the Lord wanted to do in my life. She laid her hands on my head and began to earnestly pray for me, even telling me to call my children down from Heaven. The power of God hit me strongly. God Supernaturally did a work in my life and in my emotions that night. He healed me emotionally and restored my faith to begin believing Him for another child. I also was encouraged to stand on Psalms 118:17. It says, "This child shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord." (I posted this verse on my wall at home, it is still there now.) I continued coming to these meetings until they ended at the close of that summer. My praise report - I found out in September of that year, (not even a month after this support group had ended), that I was pregnant again! We want everyone to know that we give God all of the glory in our child's miraculous birth! And to also let you know that God is most certainly still in the miracle working business today! We truly can have whatever we can believe God for! (Matthew 19:26) A second praise report came packaged in this story as well, The Sunday morning that we dedicated our child to the Lord, our Pastors told our praise testimony to the church congregation and standing to our left on the stage that morning was a young woman, her husband and there new baby -- the miracle -- that woman standing next to me was one of the women that was at the support group meeting the very first night I attended. She had also suffered a miscarriage. And now 9 months later we were both standing on stage at church dedicating the lives of the two precious miracle children that God had blessed us with! Holley, don't give up! Here is another great passage of Scripture to confess over your life: "And ye shall serve the Lord your God, and He shall bless thy bread, and thy water; and I will take sickness away from the midst of thee. There shall nothing cast their young, nor be barren, in thy land: the number of thy days I will fulfill." ~Exodus 23:25,26
God is "no respector of persons" -- He loves us all! What He has done for one, He will do for you! "And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing ye shall receive." ~ Matthew 21:22; "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." ~Hebrews 11:1. I am looking forward to hearing about the tremendous miracle testimony that God gives to you! For truly, "With God all things are possible!" ~Mark 10:27

[Patricia]

Dear Holley, I came across your blog through Day Spring. Once I started reading, my heart felt it was the right place to be today. As I clicked through key words I fell into this post. As I read, I realized I wasn't going to make it all the way through as my eyes began to blur from tears. Now this post isn't recent, so I do not know where you are today in your infertility battle. But I do know, wherever you are GOD is right beside you. My Husband and I are a Christian couple. When we married 8 years ago our "plan" was to begin a family right away. But, we hadn't placed all our faith where it needed to be and God had other plans. To make a long story short and not bore you with our road to bringing a baby into our home, I just want to say God is amazing and His plan is always perfect! 7 years and 5 months into our marriage our prayers were answered in the sweetest, most blessed way. A healthy, beautiful, 5 lb 12 oz baby boy was placed in our arms and our home forever through the miracle of adoption. Samuel (Asked of God) reminds me daily how wonderful our God. At 8 mths old, he is the sunshine in our life. I'd battle infertitily and the LONG adoption wait again and again for my baby boy.
Whereever you may be .. God is right there with you.
Patricia